It's Time For Another Goddamned Jeff Sessions Death-Watch, Because Why The Fuck Not

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY are we always having to write posts warning everyone of the imminent danger of JEFFERSON BUTTERSCOTCH SESSIONS being fired? Well, it's quite simple! Despite how Sessions is the most white supremacist member of the Trump administration this side of Stephen Miller, he also seems to have a sense of his Constitutional position as attorney general, and his "look ma, no hands!" approach to the Russia investigation is one of the only things protecting the investigation from anti-American fascist fuckstains like Donald Trump and the GOP House of Representatives, all of whom are pretty much fine with a Russian Intelligence Asset farting around in the Oval Office.

Trump never fails to blame Jeff Sessions for all his woes, because Sessions recused himself from all investigations into Trump's campaign because of how, in addition to lying to the Senate about meeting with the Russian ambassador, he was also part of that campaign! That means he's out of the Russia probe, and presumably it also means he's not involved with the current Michael Cohen Pecker-splosion that's happening at the Southern District of New York. Also, as Trump said in his batshit insane "Fox & Friends" interview, Sessions never "took control" of the Justice Department, which in Trump's mind is literally 100 percent Angry Democrats, and that's leading to terrible things like Congressional Trump Endorser #1, Rep. Chris Collins, being indicted for insider trading and Congressional Trump Endorser #2, Rep. Duncan Hunter, indicted for being a total fucking Duncan Hunter.

(No seriously, y'all heard Duncan Hunter responded to getting caught by saying the DOJ is the "Democrats' arm of law enforcement," right? Uh huh yeah buddy YOU BET.)

Well now, turns out we need to watch for the firing of CONGRESSIONAL TRUMP ENDORSER #3, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, probably sometime just after the midterms. Why? Because REASONS.

During the "Fox & Friends" interview with the Unindicted Pussburglar, Ainsley Earhardt asked Trump if rumors are true that he's going to fire Sessions after the midterms, and his response was basically "GARBLEDICKGARBLEDICKGARBLEDICK." But Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Compromised) was a li'l bit more helpful when he spoke to reporters on Thursday:

"The president's entitled to an attorney general he has faith in, somebody that's qualified for the job, and I think there will come a time, sooner rather than later, where it will be time to have a new face and a fresh voice at the Department of Justice," Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, who may be in line to head the Judiciary Committee next year, told reporters Thursday. "Clearly, Attorney General Sessions doesn't have the confidence of the president."

Senator Chuck Grassley, current chair of the Judiciary Committee, similarly said he thinks he'll probably have room on his schedule to hold hearings for a new AG, you know, once they get Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court, because packing the courts in service of a criminal president is top priority right now. Asked to be a little bit more specific, Grassley said of Sessions, "Let's put it this way, he's a good friend."

Allow us to translate real fast: Lindsey Graham and Chuck Grassley are VERY WORRIED the Democrats are going to take the House and the Senate in November, so they're saying if Trump is going to fire Sessions, better do it after the midterms and before the new Congress is sworn in, because after that, ain't none of Trump's shit getting confirmed, assuming he is even still president at that point.

This is a far cry from last year, when Graham and Grassley still felt a sense of loyalty toward their former Senate colleague. You see, last year, we wrote a Jeff Sessions Death-Watch post, with the following beautiful headline:

GOP Senators Gonna Dick-Slap The Hell Outta Trump If He Fires Jeff Sessions

AND THEY WERE! Very specifically, Lindsey Graham was helicoptering his dick for a good Trump-slappin', saying there would be "holy hell to pay" if Trump fired Sessions, and Chuck Grassley was lubing his dick up inside the Iowa State Fair Butter Cow, preparing it for a BUTTERY TRUMP-SLAPPIN', sending vague tweets to make very clear his committee was busy, so don't be thinking you're gonna get a confirmation hearing for a new AG, Donald.

John Cornyn was pissed, and Orrin Hatch was pissed, and even Mitch McConnell was making little turtle noises about how Trump firing their former colleague would be uncouth.

Fast forward to now, and Bloomberg says "several other Republicans" are less than enthusiastic about Trump canning Sessions, and Graham is warning against trying to do it before the midterms, because you can't have that kind of "havoc" when you're trying to get RoeFucker McNoChin confirmed to the Court.

Cornyn is still not on board:

John Cornyn of Texas, the No. 2 Senate Republican, said ousting Sessions "would be bad for the country, it would be bad for the president, it would be bad for the Department of Justice for him to be forced out under these circumstances."

Cornyn also says he wants Trump and Sessions to "work out their differences."

Here is Orrin Hatch:

"I like the president, I'm one of his strongest supporters," Hatch said, "but Jeff deserves to be treated much more fairly. He was the first one to support this president. And the president ought to recognize that."

Susan Collins is also not on board with Trump firing Sessions, but we're sure she'll change her mind once literally any Republican reassures her it'll be fine. Meanwhile, Thom Tillis says he has "full confidence" in Sessions and wants him to stay as attorney general "through 2020," so we guess "2020" is the absolute latest the Trump presidency will last in Tillis's mind.

Today, Jeff Sessions went to the White House for a meeting on "prison reform," but it's entirely possible Trump just slammed the door and tried to make Sessions cry, like he always does. However, we doubt Sessions will be offering his resignation like he did last summer, because lookie look, Sessions released a STATEMENT today!

"While I am Attorney General, the actions of the Department of Justice will not be improperly influenced by political considerations. I demand the highest standards, and where they are not met, I take action. However, no nation has a more talented, more dedicated group of law enforcement investigators and prosecutors than the United States. I am proud to serve with them and proud of the work we have done in successfully advancing the rule of law."

In other words put up or fucking shut up, Donald Trump, LORD WILLIN' AND THE CRIK DON'T RISE, and whatever other Alabamian tough guy words Sessions says when he's mad as a hungry tick on the ass of a bloodhound what ain't got no blood in it, goddamn that bloodhound, where'd all that dog's blood go?

Everything is terrible, have an OPEN THREAD.

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[Bloomberg / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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