Godly Grifter Jim Bakker Says Iran Deal Means End Times, Please Send Money
We learn all sorts of fascinating things working here at Yr Wonkette, and here is one of them: Jim Bakker, the disgraced '80s televangelist who served time for doing big-time financial fraud for Jesus, is actually still on teevee somewhere in the scary recesses of cable where we never go! We were awfully sad when his ex-wife, gay icon and mascara addict Tammy Faye, died in 2007, but we'd forgotten that Jim was still out there running his old End Times grift, at least until RawStory brought us this gorgeous video of Bakker getting the latest Bible prophecy News from up-and-coming Alabama pastor John Kilpatrick, who has found all sorts of clues in the Bible that exactly match America in 2015, which means of course that the end times are here, and it's all Obama's fault for signing a nuclear deal with Iran. Also, abortion is causing the California drought, which frankly is just plagiarism of that one California Republican assemblywoman.
Oh, but it is a beautiful pile of stupid, it truly is, finding Signs and Wonders in every facet of the Bible. For starters, citing the bit in CSI: Genesis where God asks Abel where he stashed Cain's body ("What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground"), Kilpatrick Biblesplains that this is a specific reference to all the 'bortions in America, as opposed to the more general notion that God Sees All Injustice:
What he's sayin' is, blood don't need vocal cords. Blood doesn't need a body, and it doesn't need a tongue, it doesn't need lungs. What God said is the blood itself has a life ... So whenever the doctors abort a baby and that blood's being flushed down the commode, God hears the voice of that baby going down that commode, saying, "Help! Forgive Lord! Forgive them! Forgive my mother!" God hears the blood of those babies!
Yes, we know many of you can't stand videos of these guys, but this is pretty wonderful, especially the falsetto aborted-baby voice Kilpatrick does -- it's reminiscent of the great "Help meeeee!" at the end of the original Vincent Price version of The Fly. If the televangelism well ever runs dry (HAH!), Kilpatrick could find himself a job in cartoon voice acting.
Bakker's pretend-astonished reactions to all of Kilpatrick's pronouncements are also pretty precious -- you get the impression this man would shout out in amazement at hearing a waitress tell him the dessert of the day is pecan pie, Praise the Lord! The well-practiced quiver in his voice when he says, "You need to know what the Word says we're to do and not do!" is precious; you worry the poor man may just burst into an anime-style flood of tears. He's an artist. OK, of the con variety, but still, the man has chops.
Anyhow, Kilpatrick also finds some other Bible verses, like how because of all the idolatry and immorality and fornication, and especially homosexxing, the very ground under our feet will reject us! "Oh my god, we are going to have earthquakes!" Bakker interjects, which kind of blows where Kilpatrick was headed. No, not earthquakes, dummy. Leviticus 18:25 says, "Even the land was defiled; so I punished it for its sin, and the land vomited out its inhabitants." Which means that volcanoes are going to start vomiting out lava and destroying us all!
"Think of the volcanoes!" Bakker exclaims. "Think of the volcanoes -- it's puking molten lava! It is vomiting it out! I never thought of this!" And sure enough, here on earth, there are actual volcanoes! None happen to be vomiting people out their fiery mouths at the moment, but they will, any moment now! What an amazing prediction!
Kilpatrick also explains, "Because the curse of the sin the land lies parched. What’s going on in California right now? With such a drought. Worst drought in history." Amazing how it all fits together, isn't it?
Finally, we get to America's worstest sin of all, from Isaiah 24:5:
The earth is defiled by its people;
they have disobeyed the laws,
violated the statutes
and broken the everlasting covenant.
And there's your clear reference to the Iran arms deal.
"What's getting ready to happen with Israel right now, is the president is getting ready to turn his back on Israel," Kilpatrick says. "We’ve been in a covenant with Israel since 1948, we’ve been blessed. We haven’t cursed Israel, we’ve been blessed, and we've been blessed because we blessed them."
Amazed as ever, Bakker interjects:
We’ve been Israel’s second home! We have been a second Israel. We have been somewhat as a God-blessed nation, a spiritual haven for the Jew. Israel and us are the only ones! They were sent out by Spain and everything else... Every detail is takin' place, people!
We have always been such a great haven for The Jew -- except for that part in the 1930s, when we were actively refusing to admit Jewish refugees escaping Nazi Germany, and even turned them back by the shipload, for which God punished America by ... uh ... granting it victory in WW II? Or maybe He gave us a mulligan on the whole "abandoning European Jewry" thing, and winning the war was an advance prize for recognizing Israel in 1948. Mysterious Ways, you know.
So anyhow, says Kilpatrick, we've let the gays get married, and we're aborting the babbies, and there are even "Blood Moons" now. Worst of all, says Bakker:
We are negotiating this minute while we are sitting here with Iran ... We’re making covenant with Iran, who have vowed -- vowed -- to destroy Israel. They don't beat around the bush!
We’re not going to be able talk like this on the air much longer. So you'd better start writin' some stuff down, you'd better get some books, you'd better... because I'm telling you, they're not gonna allow us to have the freedom to preach; they have almost shut it down [...]
But here we are. We have broken covenant with Israel and made covenant Israel’s number one enemy.
We are so screwed. There's weather happening, and there's also weather in the Bible. So much sin everywhere, and now, while God was OK with America sitting back while the Holocaust happened, He is definitely going to end America because we signed an agreement to put Iran's centrifuges in mothballs. There's almost certainly something about centrifuges in the Bible, isn't there?
We're delighted to know that Jim Bakker is still out there. He's like a terrible lounge singer -- sort of a pro, but so transparently bad at it that you can't turn away.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.