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We know, we know, we know, Brett Kavanaugh walks old puppies across the street while he's feeding the homeless the cookies he baked with his girls' basketball team while watching It's A Wonderful Life, WE KNOW.

But actually, we think he's a dick with a gigantic misshapen head, and that he really shouldn't be on the Supreme Court. And no, we are not just talking about how Dianne Feinstein sent the FBI a little note about some sort of criminal sexual misconduct Brett Kavanaugh might have been involved in a little bit in the past. (We are monitoring that story, don't worry!) We are talking about his responses to the written questions submitted by senators on the judiciary committee. Shall we take a few ganders at what wonders exist in his written responses? Well, we fuckin' GUESS. It's 263 pages long, so we don't intend this to be exhaustive, but we want to at least give Brett Kavanaugh a chance to clarify some things, without clarifying them at all.


First of all, all the ladies out there can relax (no, do not do that) because Brett Kavanaugh has "clarified" that when he referred to birth control as "abortion-inducing drugs" in his confirmation hearings, he was just copy-catting the science-denying ignorant-ass plaintiffs in that specific case, who call birth control "abortion-inducing drugs." He did not clarify that he does not think that, but he didn't clarify that he does either! In fact, he can't talk to you about such things, and he definitely can't give a good answer on whether his belief that Roe v. Wade is "settled law" means he doesn't want to overturn it at the first opportunity.

Indeed a running theme of his "answers" are that he cannot talk to you about such things, you mere United States senator. Like for instance, should a JUDGE get impeached for LYING UNDER OATH? Yes or fuck yes? He cannot say!

Does Brett Kavanaugh believe the Russia investigation is a witch hunt?

CAN'T TELL YOU.

Does he believe presidents can be investigated?

ALREADY SAID MY ANSWER IN THE HEARING.

Does he believe presidents can be subpoenaed by grand juries?

SHHHHHH.

Can you indict a sitting president?

MY MAGIC 8-BALL SAYS YOU SHOULD GO AWAY.

Can you prosecute a sitting president?

WHAT IF I PROSECUTE YOUR FACE?

Seriously, get a load of his response to a bunch of questions like these:

"I discussed these issues at length at the hearing." In other words, fuck off, Brett Kavanaugh is tired of answering your questions, because he's late for "Eureka Club," which he did manage to explain is the name of his dinner party club.

During the confirmation hearings we heard a lot about Judge Alex Kozinski, a very disgusting sexual harasser pervert Brett Kavanaugh clerked for. Senators just wanted to know if Kavanaugh did any perv-ing with Kozinski, and if his real nickname is Judge PERV-anaugh. (OK fine, those might not been the specific questions, VANESSA.) Also, did Kozinski ever share any porns with Kavanaugh? Because he was known for doing that. Kavanaugh's answer continues to be HE HAD NO IDEA, and please shut up.

As for that incident during the confirmation hearings when Kavanaugh blew off Fred Guttenberg, the father of a Parkland shooting victim, Kavanaugh finally said in his written responses that he's very sorry and it was very chaotic and he didn't realize that was Fred Guttenberg and not one of those terrible thug protesters. OK sure, whatever.

Finally, not long after Brett Kavanaugh was nominated, reports came out about his personal finances being kinda weird. Or maybe he's just bad with money. Or maybe he just buys TOO MANY BASEBALL TICKETS, which is why he accrued seven billion dollars in credit card debt. (Your Wonkette is in credit card debt from CONSTANTLY BUYING NEW WRITERS, which we think is "better.") Whatever it is, he definitely does not have a gambling problem, OH NO HAS HE SAID TOO MUCH? Anyway, a senator asked Kavanaugh to please explain why his finances have been so fucked up, and he gave a very boring accounting of his finances, and explained he does not do gambling or fantasy leagues, so stop asking questions, OK?

He then added "Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, Lie la lie, lie la lie la lie la lie, la la lie la lie," which is weird because that is the chorus of Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer" and not Kenny Rogers's "The Gambler," but we guess that's just what you gotta expect when you nominate A IDIOT to the Supreme Court.

Anyway, Brett Kavanaugh is late for Supreme Court now, so can everybody please shut up so he can get fitted for his robe, as God intended? Also too, fuck you.

[Kavanaugh responses]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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