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Goldman Sachs, The Bank, Will Be Put In Bank Jail

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  • Were you all bummed out because the Goldman Sachs investigation was just this wimpy little civil suit from a bunch of bureaucrat nobodies at the SEC, whose only enforcement power is imposing tiny fines on impossibly rich people? Fear not! Now federal prosecutors are sniffing around this slimy cadre of villains. Soon there will be mass arrests, savage prosecutions, entire wings of federal penitentiaries given over to dozens of bankers, etc. Or not? Who knows, actually! The New York Times will only say that the feds are investigating "trading" and that it's at a "preliminary stage" and that they would face a "higher bar" than the SEC, so, meh, probably nothing will come of it. Jail cells sit empty, hungry for banker-flesh.
  • Oil has started to ooze ashore on the Gulf Coast, threatening pelicans and otters. Adorable otters, you monsters! Since this oil comes from a BP-owned platform, whoever wins the British election next week -- probably Posh Spice, based on last night's debate -- will have to deal with a full-scale nuclear war with the U.S., to defend our otters.
  • Remember, like, fourteen years ago when everyone was convinced that Hawaii was going to let gays get married any fucking second and so we had to pass the terrible Defense of Marriage Act now, right now, lest Hawaii's gayness make all of America gay? Well, because everything is mellow and relaxed out there, the Hawaiian legislature just now got around to passing a boring civil unions bill, which the Republican governor may or may not veto.
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It started with them damn hats. (Image: Wikimedia Commons)

A guest post by "Knitsy McPurlson," which we suspect is not a real name.

Yr Wonkette is not the only website run by brilliant peoples unafraid to poke people with sharp, pointy sticks. Ravelry.com – a website for knitters, crocheters, and other folks interested in textiles and fiber arts – is poking people with knitting needles, which are very sharp indeed.

This past weekend, Ravelry.com's founders showed the world how easy it is to de-platform white nationalists and racists when they banned all "support of Donald Trump and his administration" from their website, concluding they "cannot provide a space that is inclusive of all and also allow support for open white supremacy." Seems like people smart enough to decode a knitting pattern are also smart enough to decode Trump's not-so-hidden message of racism and white nationalism.

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One day, God willing, my grandchildren will click open their history textbooks and read about the Central American migrant internment camps. They'll learn about sick kids, locked in cages, kept hungry and dirty and cold for weeks on end, and they'll be horrified.

"Bubbie," they'll say, "how could this happen in America? How could there be toddlers sleeping on the ground without blankets, without soap or toothbrushes to clean themselves?"

"I don't know. I wish I had done more. I'm ashamed," I'll say. We will all have to answer for this atrocity. But some of us will have to answer more than others. Not just the archvillains like Stephen Miller and John Kelly, but the people who kept right on doing their jobs, even as those jobs morphed into defending concentration camps.

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