Congratulations, Republicans across America! You have done what you set out to do. You pissed off the libs. The people you voted into office passed a 500-page tax bill in the middle of the night. A 500-page tax bill that only 32% of this country thinks is a great idea, which is a lower approval rating than the last several tax hikes. A 500-page tax bill they had only an hour to read, and which was filled with illegible margin scrawlings that they could not read if they tried.

And Elizabeth Warren did try! And failed!

What we do know about the bill is that it is really really good for the rich, and not so good for everyone else. We know that it eliminates the health insurance mandate, which means 13 million people will lose their health insurance. We know that it requires grad students to count their tuition wavers as taxable income, making it even more expensive to get a graduate degree than it was previously. We know that it officially declares that life begins at conception and allows oil drilling in Alaska, which definitely makes sense for a tax bill. We know that it eliminates the Johnson Amendment, which will allow people to write off their political donations as charitable donations -- but not their home offices, or their staggering old-age medical bills and nursing homes. We know that it pretty much eliminates the estate tax, which will eventually lead to the extinction of the middle class in favor of two very distinct classes -- the very rich and their inherited wealth, and the very, very poor.

And it adds $1.5 trillion dollars to the deficit!

It is all kinds of bad. And if you are a Republican, half of your fellows right now are cheering, because the people who are going to be hurt the most, you imagine, are the people you hate the most. Grad students, minorities, women, the non-religious, environmentalists, the kind of poor people you imagine are "just lazy" rather than "economically anxious" like you are (read: minorities, again), and most of all, all those smug liberals out there who think they are better than you. Right now, they, we, are all SO MAD ABOUT THIS TAX BILL! So mad about it! Because it is horrible and cruel and bad! And boy, our tears sure are delicious, aren't they!

Unfortunately, this also means that you have also fucked yourselves in innumerable ways. And for a very long time! Like, you think you have economic anxiety now? Just wait! You think you're mad about "the swamp" now? You think you're mad about corruption? Just wait! You think you are better off with there being fewer educated people in this country? Well, you kind of need them, whether you like them or not. You do realize that the more expensive it is to become a doctor, the more it is going to cost to see a doctor, right? Especially when you don't have insurance, which you probably will not.

But on the bright side, there is a tax break for private jet owners!

I guess it's too bad that "liberal tears" have no actual nutritional value, because I'm honestly not sure what else you're going to be feeding your families for the next several years. But when you're scraping the last of them from the bowl, make sure you thank Donald Trump and all the other Republicans you voted into office that helped this happen. In the voting booth.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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