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GOOD MORNING WONKERS HOW IS YOUR HEAD DOES YOUR HEAD HURT THIS MORNING ARE YOU DEAD?

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Oh, sorry, we forgot to use our Suicide Hangover voice for you, our beloved wonker, who is now dead from suicide and also booze. How was your night last night? Was it full of your suicide? That's too bad. We will wait until your comrade Mojopo wakes from her suicide hangover, and see if she has any suicide hangover remedies for you. (For what it's worth, she kept --presumably drunkenly -- posting pictures of shit sandwiches in the secret chatcave last night, and we did not let her post them at you. You're welcome!)


Well, some of us woke up reasonably chipper, because while you were busy throwing plates of chicken and dumplings at your snazzy Walmart flatscreen, we were off having an ultrasound! Of a babby! And guess what you guys, it has feet! TWO OF THEM! Good job, babby! You grow real good feet!

Then we went and same-day-registration voted, in Montana, which is hilarious. Did you know that one of the things we could have voted for was ending same-day-registration voting in Montana? That would have been ironic!

So let's shake it off, Wonkers, and see what scrumptious and extraordinary Turkish Delights we have to look forward to for the next two years:

  • We have a new Michele Bachmann, and she may not have the eyes, but she has a hyena laugh straight from the devil (the U.N., which she believes is COMIN TO GITCHA, because that is a very normal thing for a United States Senator to believe). Go ahead, click the link! How long can you make it before your head goes full Scanners?
  • Holy shit, can you say "state Representative Gordon Klingenschmitt"? YESSSSSSS.
  • And we have two years of Ted Cruz being the most important human being on earth (sorry Joe Biden), as he must take the mantle of both the Speaker of the House and Senate Majority Leader. How will he do it? With the love and support of his wife and Jerk Baby.

We'll bring you fuller reports on these and other hilarious races -- OMG MIA LOVE!!!!! -- later this morning. For now, why not go back and read all TWENTY-SEVEN NOT KIDDING posts we wrote at you yesterday. (Scroll down. Then hit "more posts." That is how many posts we wrote at you yesterday, my God.) And then fuck it, send us some money. Better us than the DSCC.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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