Good Riddance To Debased, Disgraced & Dismissed Liar Sarah Huckabee Sanders
There's good news and then there's Sarah Huckabee Sanders's lying ass got kicked to the curb news. We don't know why exactly the White House press secretary is finally leaving, and anything she told us would be a lie. But the departure from public life of so odious a creature as Sanders is cause for celebration. Time for champagne and a cheese board we wouldn't give Sanders for free before kicking her out of our restaurant.
Donald Trump broke the news on the platform that had effectively replaced Sanders. Who needs a picture of Dorian Gray's face for your administration when you have Twitter?
Sanders isn't special and she has no talents -- or integrity. But she will return to the hell dimension that spawned her until someone says her name three times or backwards. The good people of Arkansas will treat her like a queen at the local Cracker Barrel and Waffle House. We doubt though -- as opposed to the wish espoused by some wad from One America "News" Network" -- she'll actually run for governor. Asa Hutchinson has that job for another four years, and although he sucks, it's not nearly as much as she does. Sanders will ideally never work again because she is both evil and lacks all credibility. The combination doesn't inspire compelling LinkedIn recommendations.
You, a human-resembling person, might feel some sympathy for Sanders, who wears a human-flesh mask like The Joker did once. You shouldn't. Sanders lied shamelessly and not well. She lied about her own lies. She wasn't even charming about it. Whenever Sanders bothered to do her job, which was rare, she got pissed off at reporters for doing theirs. She conducted White House press briefings like they were her household staff (she probably has a slave or two left), and she helped the president rile up lynch mobs against them.
She could take a joke as well as her father Mike Huckabee delivers one. Kellyanne Conway at least knows she's a hack and savors it like the fine farm-to-table cuisine decent people deny Sanders. Sanders always played the victim while actively victimizing. She lied about James Comey's firing and grossly lied -- with a fake video! -- about Jim Acosta body slamming a White House intern.
Trump likes to offer departing lackeys a public two-minute self-hate. Sanders received hers during a White House event today. She went out the way she lived — lying right in our faces.
SANDERS: I'll try not to get emotional because I know crying can make us look weak sometimes, right?
What a weirdo! The "minister's" daughter is out there sounding like a common Klingon. President Bone Spurs even called his syphilitic mouthpiece a "warrior," one so "tough" she cowered in fear from her "enemies," last facing the Romulan press 95 days ago.
SANDERS: This has been the honor of a lifetime, the opportunity of a lifetime. I couldn't be prouder to have had the opportunity to serve my country and particularly to work for this president.
She's claiming she "served" her country somehow while helping Trump dismantle all constitutional norms. She better not expect a 21-gun salute unless it's all middle fingers extended in her direction.
SANDERS: He has accomplished so much in these two and a half years.
SANDERS: It's truly been something I will treasure forever.
This woman's ironic hell will be an infinite loop of the moment she said her faith justifies the administration's cruel child separation policy.
SANDERS: It's one of the greatest jobs I could ever have. I've loved every minute, even the hard minutes. I've loved it.
We repeat: Sanders held press conferences with the regularity of total solar eclipses. She sort of just stopped early this year because the people she abused were apparently mean to her.
SANDERS: I love the president. I love the team that I've had the opportunity to work for. The President is surrounded by some of the most incredible and most talented people you could ever imagine.
C'mon, it's like the black plague over there. Fools are quitting, getting fired, and later testifying before Congress. All that's left of the original Legion of Doom is white supremacist Stephen Miller.
SANDERS: It's truly the most special experience. The only one I can think of that might top it just a little bit is the fact that I'm a mom.
Oh, fuck you, lady. You're bringing your kids into this? Also, motherhood might top lying to the public for money? Wow, Sanders really loves lying. It's a passion.
SANDERS: I have three amazing kids. And, I'm going to spend a little more time with them.
Poor kids. This also means she's got nothing going on after this, not even the rent.
SANDERS: In the meantime, I will continue to be one of the most outspoken and loyal supporters of the president.
We guess she's going to lie for Trump free of charge now. How moving. Sanders, lacking utterly in grace, said nothing positive about the White House press corps. She didn't reaffirm the press's role as a critical part of a free society or even admit finally, all kidding aside, that journalists are not the "enemy of the people."
Sanders truly deserved every enemy she made during her deplorable run as press secretary. Not long after her departure was announced, people quickly started Hammer-dancing on her professional grave. Longtime foe April D. Ryan had the ultimate mic drop.
Now get lost, Shuckabeast. Don't let the door hit you where Beelzebub split you.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.