GOP Candidates Pledge To Bend Over For Donald Trump's Beautiful Penis In November

Those eyes, that appleheaded vagina mouth.

[contextly_sidebar id="vJEgDZrl39s6jp7C5qGj6iSJd8gzpX1m"]If you're like many Republicans, you know that Donald J. Trump is NOT going to Make America Great Again, is NOT as tremendous as he thinks he is, and also probably has one of those little tiny penises that looks like a piglet's tail. This is why we are hearing rumors of brokered conventions and #NeverTrump, and also why Mitt Romney has traveled down his car elevator from whatever Mormon planet he's the CEO of, in order to DENOUNCE! and CONDEMN! Trump.

[contextly_sidebar id="8yCirZkhYIlmx1qJJS0eMLmpAcvz1ntj"]And during Thursday night's debate, we saw just how strong the anti-Trump hate runs through his competitors. GRRRRRR he is so bad! But the moderators also asked them whether they'd support Trump if he ended up being the nominee. Their answers were ... well, somebody call the lube factory, because despite their protestations to the contrary, every other Republican candidate seems to be good and ready to let Trump do them in the sex way with his (he assures you) ENORMOUS PENIS when he becomes the Republican nominee. Like, they are not "holding their noses" and reluctantly voting for him. This is deep-throated support!

Let's make a list of mean things the other candidates said about Trump during the debate, and then call them pussies:

Marco Rubio

[contextly_sidebar id="iuf3rlWxBmoewhKdSqL7PCmLvcgpYh5a"]Whatcha think about Donald Trump, "Little Marco"? Besides how Trump's wee willy winkie is the small version of regular winkie -- a Shetland Winkie if you will.

We are not going to turn over the conservative movement, or the party of Lincoln or Reagan, for example, to someone whose positions are not conservative. To someone who last week defended Planned Parenthood for 30 seconds a debate stage. To someone, for example, that has no ideas on foreign -- someone who thinks the nuclear triad is a rock band from the 1980s.

Hahaha, Marco made a #joke! Bet he high kicked himself in excitement over how funny his #joke was.

And Marco, will you support Trump when you lose to him?

I'll support Donald if he's the Republican nominee, and let me tell you why.

The "why," Marco, is because you're a pussy.

For the record, Marco Rubio is also selling #DumpTrump yoga pants on his website, because he hates Trump so much he's totally going to vote for him in November:

That's Marco's perky ass, science fact. (Maybe.)

Ted Cruz

[contextly_sidebar id="uP7SdqCApLqzskIwnCTusyNHpb9qPUJF"]Ted Cruz is the ONLY candidate who can beat Donald Trump (according to Ted Cruz) and the ONLY candidate who can beat Hillary Clinton (according to the still small voice in his head he thinks is Jesus but is really his dry-drunk dad). Oh, and he wants to fight him,mano a mano or however you say it in Canadian. And during the debate, he said why Trump was the worstest:

[F]or 40 years, Donald has been part of the corruption in Washington that you're angry about. And you're not going to stop the corruption in Washington by supporting someone who has supported liberal Democrats for four decades, from Jimmy Carter to John Kerry to Hillary Clinton. You're not going to stop the corruption and the cronyism by supporting someone who has used government power for private gain. Instead, we need a president who stands with the American people.

And will Ted Cruz be voting for Donald Trump come November?

Yes, because I gave my word that I would.

Ted Cruz, you are a giant, foreign-born, Canadian pussy, and everybody hates you.

John Kasich

Aw shucks and bless his heart, but that Donald Trump just isn't the kind of compassionate conservative John Kasich is ready to wrap his arms around:

I knew Ronald Reagan. And I'll leave it right there with what comes after that. You can figure that one out.

We are never ever going to stop quoting that. John Kasich knew Ronald Reagan. Donald Trump is not Ronald Reagan. John Kasich might be Ronald Reagan, though.

Jesus, Kasich. Can you PLEASE get down in the mud with the other three dildo-noggins running for the Republican nomination?

CHRIS WALLACE: [D]o you think that Donald Trump is naive about the threat that Vladimir Putin represents?

KASICH: I'm not biting. Let me take you around the world, OK? Let me -- look, I'm going to take you very quickly.

And then he took everybody around the world, but we don't mean that in a sexual way. Look, Kasich probably IS the only adult in the room, and he doesn't spend that much time yelling about what a fuck-spigot Donald Trump is. He prefers to show you BY EXAMPLE why he thinks he is better. (Also the moderators don't ask him many questions because who even cares?)

But will John Kasich be yanking Donald Trump's lever in November?


Oh, John Kasich, you are a big cuddly pussy!



We think we have proven our point, and that next time these Republicans debate each other, they should spend a little less time brawling like dumb babies and just let Donald Trump make sweet love to them. It's what they really want.

[debate transcript via Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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