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GOP Convention To Be Blood-Soaked Reenactment Of Second Punic War

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Thank you to Wonkette pamphlet operative "Taylor" for sending us this fantastic brochure from the Minneapolis Saint Paul 2008 Host Committee about the exciting upcoming convention. How rad will it be? Well if this pamphlet is any indication, John McCain will enter the arena with his seven children and two wives on a War Elephant -- decorated in gold, rubies and fine silks -- carrying the Sword of Gryffindor in one hand and the dripping, severed head of Chuck Hagel in the other; he won't even have to speak because everyone will just be cold goin' nuts at the sight of this.


On the second page of this Hype Pamphlet, they've eschewed the War Elephant for a cropped computer-game elephant and placed it in the Twin Cities' various hot spots.

Here's Mr. Elephant starting out his fun tour of the Twin Cities. Mr. Elephant just arrived in America, you see! Only weeks earlier, he was playin' with his elephant friends in Africa, just swimmin' and runnin'. Then John McCain and a team of RNC interns poached him during one of their routine slave-capturing missions. "I know exactly how we can use this big fella here -- we'll take him straight to the convention!" shouted one of the interns.

"I'm gonna go see my first American play, right here in Minnesota," Mr. Elephant decides later that night. "What's playin'? Phantom of the Opera? Heck, I don't care, I'll see anything!"

Mr. Elephant has to use the restroom, but where's a toilet big enough for an elephant? Right here, on the laps of a Minnesota hockey team, during the middle of its off-season in late summer.

Where's a million-ton elephant to stand these days? How about right here, in the middle of this canoe.

[MSP 2008 Pamphlet -- .PDF]

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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