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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today, but first have some special sea otter nice times!


After realizing he'd just stepped in his own shit (again), Trey Gowdy is walking back the comments that Andrew McCabe would be "You're Fired" before the end of the year.

New emails show that the Trump transition team wanted Mike Flynn to secretly talk with the former Russian ambassador, so they suggested Signal, an encrypted messaging app that lets users self-destruct message.

Last night the Senate passed the Trump/Ryan tax cuts (for the super rich), but House Republicans will have to vote for their super rich tax cut bill (again) as their rush to start jerking each other off violated the Byrd Rule

Resolving to just kick the can down the road until next month (AGAIN), Congress is trying to cram as much into ANOTHER stop-gap bill as possible to keep the government from shutting down.

Trump sent John Kelly down to the Hill to talk about Dreamers, and inevitably kick the DACA can down the road until next year, prompting IL Dem Sen. Dick Durbin to remark, "The closer we get [to the March deadline], the more nervous I get... I'm sorry that it's taken this long."

With the deadlines looming, Congress critters are demanding debate before reauthorizing FISA 702 provisions, the provision that allows the NSA to spy on freedomless heathens in Not America -- a key tool in uncovering Trump-Russia shenanigans.

Parents are begging Congressional Republicans to stop screwing around and fund CHIP ahead of Jan. 1 when the first states are are expected to run out of money to fund children's health insurance programs.

Congressional Republicans refusal to fund CHIP is forcing the state of Connecticut to begin preparing to shut down its health-care program for poor and middle-class kids.

Republican Sen. Susan Collins is full of medical-grade butthurt after the LIBERAL media began attacking her support for the Republican tax fuckery, calling coverage "sexist" for saying she'd been "duped." After all, Collins is a duper, not a dupee.

California Rep. Tom McClintock New Jersey Rep. was the only Republican who voted "no" (twice) on the Trump/Ryan tax cuts (for the super rich).

Tip your accountant with a good bottle this year as the tax professionals still don't know how to legally comply with all the GOP tax fuckery.

Once they bring back all the Ameros they've parked in Not American banks, big tech companies are promising that they'll definitely, 100% make more jobs, not just use the cash to buy their own stock and enrich themselves even more.

Lawyers are furiously working on lawsuits in the hope that net neutrality will be decided by the court system (provided Senate Dems don't overturn it with a CRA) and ultimately force Republicans to come out of the closet about net neutrality.

Tennessee Republican Rep. Marsha Blackburn is putting the $268,499 in PAC donations from telecom companies to good use and introducing a half-assed net neutrality bill that is only notable for its reinforcement of protecting telecoms from future net neutrality legislation. Don't believe the hype!

Federal officials have lifted a ban on the study of lethal viruses, kicking research decisions to a panel who will decide if making super-infectious flu strains is worth the risk of a zombiteus outbreak.

The FDA is tired of mucking about in Gwyneth Paltrow's shitty Goop and pseudoscience, and announcing plans to crackdown on homeopathic garbage cures, so you'd better grab all those $60 magic jade vagina eggs, and consult with your ghost doctor.

Rick Perry is pressing the "pause" button on Obama-era energy rules that make your home appliances suck up less electricity.

Trump's White House is silently slowing down LEGAL immigration, and that includes people who have already been granted legal status.

The National Labor Relations Board has been slashing and burning workers rights now that it has a new Republican majority.

Several Republicans bailed on Mike Pence's gay hatin' bestie, denying him the head Export-Import Bank after the Senate Banking Committee grew concerned that Trump's pick to head the international lender was a homophobic anti-globalist.

Nikki Haley will have fewer friends to sit with at the UN lunchroom after threatening to take names of countries who don't support Trump's decision to recognize Jerusalem as Israel's capital.

The trial of an Army general accused of raping a young girl over and over for almost a decade has begun, but there's questions of whether or not he can be prosecuted under current military laws.

John Kelly is walking around Washington in search of sympathetic black Republicans to work in Trump's White house, but I imagine he's having a tough time.

There may be another mistrial in the ongoing saga of the Bundy freedumb fuckers who took over Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon after prosecutors, after a US district judge said the government is fucking up (again).

The ISIS neo-Nazi ex-cop was found guilty of obstruction of justice, and trying to send Ameros to a terrorist organization. He's going to make so many friends in prison!

Georgia's Democratic gubernatorial primary elections are being fought on racial lines, with one candidate seeking to increase the potential black vote, and the other courting white moderates -- it's being called "The Battle of the Stacys."

Cambridge Analytica hoovered up data on millions of people during the 2016 election, and now a media professor wants to know what exactly they're hiding so he's suing the British parent company of Cambridge Analytica under UK privacy laws.

"Alt-right" trolls and neo-Nazis are screaming about their freedumbs after Twitter began slapping hate groups with banhammers.

In an effort to save people less than .50 cents a year, Trump's White House has decided to shut down "We The People," the Obama administration website that let people petition the government. Maybe they were just tired of people petitioning for Trump's tax returns.

The Bitcoin insanity continues, with exchanges hacked into oblivion or shut down by the SEC for manipulation, as Wall Street tech bros' orgiastic feeding frenzy surges forward.

Some crank on Fox News began echoing Alex Jones's conspiracy theories when he started talking about all the assassination plots he's seen on his Facebook, which raises all sorts of questions about what this fucker is doing on the Internet when he isn't pounding his pud.

Reuters just published another part of its MASSIVE investigation into Philip Morris's international campaign to thwart anti-smoking bans, including selling to children in Not America, and fudging facts on e-cigarette research.

And here's your morning Nice Time! GIANT PANDAS!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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