GOP Impeachment Plan To Dress Up Like Grandma And Devour Swing State Dems Hits A Snag

The Republicans have a crafty new strategy on deck to deal with impeachment. They're going to go to Grandmother's house, hide in her bed, put on her lace cap, and be so gentle and nice to the swing-district Democrats that they'll climb under the blanket and be devoured whole! IT CAN'T FAIL!

The Washington Post reports this morning that the GOP is floating a plan to woo congressional Democrats in Trump 2016 districts by promising a basket full of warm, sweet legislation if they'll only cuddle up next to the president and stop all that ugly impeachment talk.

The officials, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to talk freely, said the appeal would be based on these Democrats' 2018 election promises to work with the president — accompanied with a warning that impeachment would hamper possible legislative victories.

What a deal! The President will only do his job if the Democrats will promise not to do theirs! Or as freshman national security Democrat Elissa Slotkin told the Post yesterday at a town hall in Michigan, "The president of the United States acknowledged openly that he went to a foreign leader and asked for dirt on an American. I cannot give up the rule of law in some trade. That is not something anyone should be trading away."

Besides the whole NOT HOW CONSTITUTION GOES thing, we can think of one or twelve tiny problems with this plan.

Problem #1: The GOP are ASSHOLES, That's Kind of Their Brand

You gotta sniff a whole lotta glue to think that the party of birthers, who accused Barack Obama's mother of being a secret BDSM model, who called Michelle Obama "Moochelle" and "Barack's Baby Mama," who think it's totally fine to call the Charlottesville Nazis "very fine people," who pal around with Holocaust deniers like Chuck Johnson, who fetishize "liberal tears," who lock babies in cages and want armed militia to police the border and shoot to kill, who cut food stamps and Medicaid, who bring malignant buffoons like Sebastian Gorka on official government visits, and who are still, after all this time, trying to throw Hillary Clinton in jail ... THOSE PEOPLE have the capacity to play nice?

Yeah, tell us another.

Problem #2: Congress, HOW DOES IT GO?

Even if Trump was serious about cutting a deal on legislation -- oh, yeah, this time for reals! -- he can't get shit done without Congress's signoff. Nancy Pelosi has passed a whole raft of gun, healthcare, and voting rights laws which died and are buried in Mitch McConnell's Senate graveyard. The White House is not in control here, and the GOP risks being blamed for another shutdown at the end of the year if Trump throws another tantrum over WALLBUX. At the same time, the economy is reeling from Trump's self-inflicted trade war wounds, and he's threatening to ... what? Pull the USMCA, his only successfully negotiated trade deal to date, to punish Democrats for investigating his crimes? DOUBT IT.

Problem #3: The RNC Already Plowed $10 Million Into Attack Ads on Swing District Dems

Not for nothing, but that train has already left the station. The RNC is already blanketing the airwaves with ads howling about "Do Nothing Dems" and accusing the Democrats of backing a coup. New York Congressman Max Rose was on the fence on impeachment when this ad came out.

Max Rose: Start Getting Things

After which, the cost of him coming out in favor of an impeachment inquiry was effectively zero, since the RNC was already hammering him on it. So he did.

Problem #4: Impeachment Is Already Happening, And It's Not Going Well For Trump

FFS, the guy just solicited foreign assistance with his campaign on the White House lawn. No Democrat is going to give the White House a blank check if this president is going to keep doing crimes on television!

Aaaaaaand Problem #5: Donald Trump Is a Malevolent Lunatic Who Stiffed Everyone He Ever Worked With

What Democrat in their right mind would make a deal with this guy?

He's fucking crazy! He's out there calling for a civil war, trying to get journalists killed, trying to get brown congresswomen killed, telling senior citizens that Democrats want to take away their Medicare and replace it with SOCIALIST MEDICARE FOR ALL, and shitting all over Mitt Romney every time he clears his throat. No one in the White House can control Donald Trump, because Donald Trump can't control Donald Trump, and no one is going to climb into bed with that wolf and let him swallow them whole.

In summary, FUCK YOU, GOP! Barack Obama tried to reach across the aisle and work with you, but we won't get fooled again.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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