Do-Nothing Republicans Continue Doing Nothing About Traitor Trump


Monday in Helsinki, Donald Trump stood next to Russian President Vladimir Putin, the official sponsor of Trump's White House reality show, and glibly debased America and its institutions in exchange for a soccer ball, which frankly is more than his soul was ever worth. Republican leaders, defenders of liberty all, strongly condemned the president's actions. House Speaker Paul Ryan went so far as to say, "There's no place for this. [He] should apologize. That's dangerous for our society, that's dangerous for our democracy."

Sorry, no, that was a statement Ryan made when Rep. Maxine Waters suggested citizens personally let members of Trump's cabinet know how much they suck. Ryan's actual statement post-Helsinki reminded me more of the "vaguebooking" your friend posts on social media when their marriage is collapsing.

There is no question that Russia interfered in our election and continues attempts to undermine democracy here and around the world. That is not just the finding of the American intelligence community but also the House Committee on Intelligence. The president must appreciate that Russia is not our ally. There is no moral equivalence between the United States and Russia, which remains hostile to our most basic values and ideals. The United States must be focused on holding Russia accountable and putting an end to its vile attacks on democracy.

"Sometimes you realize you should've listened to your family and friends. You should trust they know what's best for you. It can turn out that your heart was wrong all along."

It's not like Ryan can't form sentences that use subjects (like, say, "the president") and descriptive adjectives (like, for instance, "treasonous"). This is how he responded in 2017 when Barack Obama commuted Chelsea Manning's sentence.

Ryan's Helsinki response is typical of most elected Republicans, who want to walk the political tightrope of acknowledging that a crime has been committed (Russia's attacks on our elections) while still receiving the stolen merchandise (the promotion of the GOP agenda through Trump, oh and also stolen DCCC data used by Ryan's superpac, but we keep ignoring that one, so we might as well ignore it some more). During a press conference Tuesday, Ryan appeared visibly annoyed that he had to talk about Putin when he'd rather talk about how he planned to starve old people. Overall, Republicans are happy that Trump won the election, never mind how, but I imagine they're more than a little disappointed that Putin owns a US President. He was supposed to be their patsy.

You'll notice that Marco Rubio gently disagrees with Trump's absurd insistence that Putin didn't interfere with our elections, but he ultimately supports the man who gave him a wedgie during the 2016 primaries when he claims the interference didn't really matter. Paul Ryan also claims Russian interference had no "material effect" on an election decided by 78,000 votes across three states. That's actually dumber than pretending it didn't happen at all. Does Rubio think presidential campaigns are ultimately meaningless, because Russia actively "campaigned" for Trump. Here's another hint: Does Putin look like his evil plan didn't work? When Putin used to meet with US officials who weren't his personal property, he seemed constipated. Yesterday, during his press conference with Trump, Putin looked like he'd just had the most satisfying bowel movement in recorded history.

Rubio wants to help maintain the illusion of Trump's legitimacy so they can continue packing the courts with more right-wing judges. That's all Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell cares about. He last tweeted on Friday when he shared a positive op-ed about Brett Kavanaugh, who will still somehow wind up on the Supreme Court despite the events of the past week. The male-dominated punditry condemned Hillary Clinton for her "delayed" response on Harvey Weinstein when she no longer held or was seeking public office. Yet, it's again falling for the "banana in the tailpipe" of thinking the latest Trump horror will inspire the GOP to honorable action.

Gee, if Trump is holding a "closed press" meeting with Congress, I will have to assume Nancy Pelosi didn't get an Evite. This will likely give Republicans some cover by claiming -- as Ryan recently did to such weaselly effect -- that they totally hold Trump's feet to the fire in private. Not that it even matters what anyone says happened during the meeting because Sarah Huckabee Sanders will just lie about it later. Still, I'm sure we'll have some great leaks from this PR stunt posing as serious counsel. The Washington Post recently did its part in sharing what were likely carefully coordinated leaks that serve no purpose other than potentially helping Trump staffers find work elsewhere once if this whole nightmare ends.

Ahead of the meeting, staffers provided Trump with some 100 pages of briefing materials aimed at laying out a tough posture toward Putin, but the president ignored most of it, according to one person familiar with the discussions, who spoke on the condition of anonymity to disclose internal deliberations. Trump's remarks were "very much counter to the plan," the person said.

"Everyone around Trump" was urging him to take a firm stance with Putin, according to a second person familiar with the preparations. Before Monday's meeting, the second person said, advisers covered matters from Russia's annexation of Crimea to its interference in the U.S. elections, but Trump "made a game-time decision" to handle the summit his way.

See? Believe us, no one in the Trump White House wanted the president to "Charlie McCarthy" his way through that Helsinki summit! You can take that to the bank. Attached please find updated copies of our resumes for any future employment opportunities.

Hasn't the media tired of these so obviously self-serving stories? If you're a presidential adviser who has never successfully advised, then you should just quit and do something more productive like trying to convince the Papa John's guy not to be racist in public.

It seems to me that the intent of these leaks and today's "crisis" meeting is to promote the narrative that there are sensible people out there desperately attempting to control Trump, which is obviously preferable to the reality that Trump is controlling the Republican-led government and he in turn is controlled by a Russian dictator.

Thanks, Marco. That was of absolutely no help whatsoever. Why are you tweeting in the middle of the night like Lady Macbeth at her looniest? I know it sucks serving as a puppet's puppet, but get some rest.

Meanwhile, Tuesday morning, the House responded to Trump's surrender to Russia with the second useless hearing on supposed conservative bias in social media, or as the apes who run the world in the future will call them "The Diamond and Silk Hearings."

Sweet Christ. I can't even. All my evens are permanently disabled.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work.

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.

In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"


In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!

Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!


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