GOP Rep Accuses Wife Of Witchcraft

GOP Rep Accuses Wife Of Witchcraft
File:Salem witch2.jpg - Wikipedia

For the past few years, many on the Right have been fantasizing about Donald Trump enacting martial law and arresting all of the Democrats for sacrificing children to Satan and then drinking their blood or whatever. It's been scheduled to happen on multiple occasions, and each time, the prophesies have failed. Mostly because it's like super hard to just will these kinds of things into existence.

But now, with the possibility of a Biden presidency looming on the horizon, Conservatives have once again started fretting about the jack booted thugs who are going to come to their house and take their freedoms, just like they never did during the Obama administration.

This time, however, it's kind of serious, because of how Rep. Clay Higgins' wife has psychic powers. Higgins, you may recall, is the former of the Captain St. Landry Parish Sheriff's Office in Opelousas, Louisiana, where he made a series of extremely batshit "Crimestopper" videos. These bizarre videos catapulted him to a seat in Congress, where the Second Amendment lover threatened to murder a bunch of black militia members because he believes in people having guns but, you know, not like that. Not when they're not white people. He also once, uh, recorded a very awkward video inside a reconstructed gas chamber at Auschwitz.


My wife has the gift of premonition.
Last night she dreamed that Federal squads were in our home seizing guns, knives, "unauthorized foods" and stored water. They said we had been "reported".
Becca awoke crying.
What happened to our freedom? She asked.
What indeed.

It's almost a poem. Or song lyrics. I am, in fact, going to choose to read this to the tune of "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Mis.

Anyway — Becca Higgins had a dream that "Federal squads" were gonna come in and take all of their things, and we are supposed to believe this because of how she has magic powers and can predict the future.

But I have some questions.

Why would the Higgins' have stored water and why would the jack booted thugs be coming for it? Is she predicting some kind of environmental disaster wherein water becomes a scarce commodity? If so, you would think she'd want the Green New Deal passed and fast!

What would these "unauthorized foods" be? Will Joe Biden make everyone go vegan under penalty of death?

Oh! Or he's gonna try to take their corn syrup away like that judgy lady in the high fructose corn syrup commercial that used to be on all the time (whom I just now realized is the same woman who played Kathy Newman, Buffy's demon college roommate from the beginning of season 4).

Corn Refiners Association HFCS Commercial -

Also, how are we to assume that this premonition is of what would happen under Democratic leadership? After all, Republicans have conditions under which they are very much into having some jack booted thugs invade a city, but we definitely do not. We're opposed to it even when it's people we don't happen to like very much. Therefore, the odds of Feds invading people's homes are considerably higher under Trump than under Biden.

Especially since cops actually have invaded people's homes and killed them in Trump's America. Just not people like Clay Higgins, as my esteemed colleague Stephen Robinson pointed out on Twitter.

Now, I know I tend to be a little skeptical of these things, but I am not so sure that Becca Higgins has magic powers or that all of her dreams come true. In fact, I'm not even sure she had that dream. Rather, it sounds a lot like a thing that Rep. Clay Higgins would make up in order to scare people who might believe his wife has magic powers into voting Republican in order to prevent us from invading their homes and taking all of their guns and high fructose corn syrup away, like the demons we are.


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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