Republicans Say Omicron Variant Is Plot To Steal Election, Storm Border, Other Things Probably We Bet
Did you know "omicron" is an anagram of "moronic"? And also "oncomir" which is an RNA molecule associated with cancer?
Obviously this means the government is either having a big laugh trying to lock us all down forever, or trying to give us cancer through the booster shots. But don't take the word of internet randos for it, you need to DO UR OWN RESEARCH.
Unless you are an IRL medical doctor who should bloody well know better, like Texas GOP Rep. Ronny Jackson. The former White House physician, whose nomination to head the Veterans Administration imploded over allegations that he's a filthy, drunken lecher, is now a proud member of the House of Representatives.
"Here comes the MEV - the Midterm Election Variant!" he tweeted this weekend. "They NEED a reason to push unsolicited nationwide mail-in ballots. Democrats will do anything to CHEAT during an election - but we're not going to let them!"
It's less stupid than Trump economics crank Peter Navarro saying that Dr. Anthony Fauci cooked up COVID in cahoots with the "Wuhan Bioweapons Lab," but only marginally.
If we have understood this burning cow fart correctly, Democrats invented a new variant and managed to get South African scientists to sequence it. Or perhaps there is no new variant at all, who even knows. Anyway, the PLAN is to get everyone to CHEAT with mail-in ballots. Of course, this will involve tanking the economy again if everyone gets sick — pretend sick? — which will probably cause Democrats to lose the House and Senate, but sacrifices must be made.
The point is, Ted Cruz predicted that COVID would disappear after the election when Democrats didn't need to scare people anymore, and this just proves it. Why else would a new variant appear an entire year before Americans go to the polls again, right?
Meanwhile over at Fox, the Galaxy Brains agree with Dr. Feelgood that the omicron coronavirus variant is fake news cooked up by Democrats to steal the election.
"Count on a variant about every October, every two years," quipped host Pete Hegseth, who is good at "months," and who was also considered to head the VA during Trump's disastrous tenure.
Fox News hosts suggest coronavirus variants are made up to help Democrats:\n\nCAIN: \u201cAlways a new variant.\u201d\n\nHEGSETH: \u201cCount on a variant about every October, every two years.\u201d\n\nCAIN: \u201cYou\u2019re probably right\u2026\u201d\n\nHEGSETH: [mimicking phone call] \u201cWe\u2019re gonna need a new variant here.\u201dpic.twitter.com/cXhbWY2vWa— Heartland Signal (@Heartland Signal) 1638040049
Unlike our Pete, RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel has a calendar, and she knows Thanksgiving does not fall in October. So she's going with the boringass blame Biden strategy, despite Republicans waging a concerted campaign to discredit the vaccine and basic public health measures to stop the spread of a contagious disease.
"Joe Biden promised he would shut down the coronavirus," snarked the RNC via the @GOP Twitter account. "He failed."
Texas GOP Governor Greg Abbott has also worked out that this is November. But he is sadly missing a map in the governor's mansion, apparently. That is the only possible explanation for his bizarre allegation that South Africans are pouring across the Southern border.
"Biden banned travel from South Africa because of the new Covid variant. Immigrants have recently been apprehended crossing our border illegally from South Africa," he fumed. "Biden is doing nothing to stop immigrants from South Africa entering illegally. Pure politics and hypocrisy."
That's not a thing. Does he think South Africans swim across the Atlantic, cross into Mexico, ford the Rio Grande, but are then unable to evade border patrol?
In summary and in conclusion, the omicron variant is fake. Unless it's real, which case it's all President Biden's fault. And everything would be fine if he would just crack down on the hordes of, uhh, six South Africans who are able to both sequence viruses and swim across the ocean. Masks are tyranny, lockdowns are Stalinism, viruses are a plot, and Democrats are trying to steal the election by making it easier to vote.
You got all that?
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.