Meet Courtland Sykes. If Courtland Sykes were in a Lifetime movie, he would be a sleazy finance bro our heroine meets at the beginning whom she inexplicably finds charming, and who later becomes super obsessed with her and murders her quirky suspicious friend with peanuts (suspicious friends all have peanut allergies and are quirky, it's a Lifetime rule) and then attempts to trap her in his basement lair with the last five other women who tried to leave him, all of whom are now corpses in bridal gowns, and force her to love him.

I can also see him in a B-movie situation where he is the head of a mysterious company that is turning people into zombie super soldiers.

In real life, he is a douchebag who is running for the US Senate from the Great State of Missouri. Behold, his campaign ad, replete with atomic bombs and somehow not a disappointing Saturday Night Live parody:

I do not use the term "douchebag" lightly here. Recently, in response to a question of whether or not he supported "women's rights," Sykes posted a missive to his Facebook wall explaining that he totally supports women's rights. That is, a woman's right to make him dinner.

He writes:

“Chanel [Rion], my fiancee, has given me orders to favor these rights, so I’d better,” he said. “But Chanel knows that my obedience comes with a small price that she loves to pay anyway — I want to come home to a home-cooked dinner at six every night, one that she fixes.

“It’s exactly the kind of family dinner that I expect one day my future daughters will learn to make after they too become traditional homemakers and family wives — think Norman Rockwell here — and Gloria Steinham [sic, unless he is talking about another famous feminist who goes around wearing Scout's Ham costume from To Kill a Mockingbird all the time] be damned.”

May I just note -- Norman Rockwell was divorced once, married three times, did not regularly attend church, and both he and his wife (who had a job as a schoolteacher, by the way) had to move in order to receive psychiatric treatment. His psychologist, Erik Erikson, reportedly told him that he painted his happiness and did not live it. So yeah, even Norman Rockwell was not living that Norman Rockwell life.

Now, I am all for cooking if that is your thing. I genuinely enjoy cooking for people I love, and so do lots of other people. It's one thing if you're doing it because that's what you want to do, and another if it's because some Stanley Kowalski cafone demanding his home cooked dinner at 6 p.m. sharp. If that's what you're looking for, just go ahead and marry a damned crock pot.

Unlike all you other suckers out there, Courtland Sykes wants you to know that he "does not buy into radical feminism's crazed definition of modern womanhood" that he says they “made up to suit their own nasty snake-filled heads.” He has his own definition, thank you very much, and would like women to buy into that, instead. He thinks they will like it! In fact, he is pretty sure all the women of today think Hillary Clinton and her career-having is super gross, and that what they all really want is to be Donna Reed. (Donna Reed was also not Donna Reed IRL.) Way to be in touch with the youth of today!

Sykes then notes that he totally wants his future daughters to have nice lives, and would even be OK with them having "home-based enterprises" which I am guessing means that he will allow them to sell Jamberry on the side so long as they are still getting that dinner ready for their husband every night? That's nice of him.

One thing they will not be however is...

career obsessed banshees who forgo home life and children and the happiness of family to become nail-biting manophobic hell-bent feminist she devils who shriek from the top of a thousand tall buildings they are [SIC] think they could have leaped in a single bound — had men not been ‘suppressing them.’ It’s just nuts.

One thing Courtland Sykes will not stand for, as Senator from Missouri, is women telling him what women's rights are! After all, what do they know about what is good for them? Courtland Sykes knows what is good for them, and that is making him a pot roast and fetching his pipe and slippers.

May all Courtland Sykes's future daughters play field hockey.

[Raw Story]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


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