Ohio GOP Senate Hopeful Josh Mandel Wants To Drown Post Office In Bathtub Full Of Leftist Tears

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GOP Senator Rob Portman from Ohio is retiring, and the big question is which Republican asshole will replace him. We don't like this question, either, but President Joe Biden lost Ohio last year to one-term loser Donald Trump by an eight-point margin. Biden gained no measurable ground from Hillary Clinton's performance in 2016. All this is to say that the path to flipping Portman's seat is almost entirely uphill.

Former Ohio Treasurer Josh Mandel is leading the polls in the Republican primary. His most prominent opponent, Hillbilly Elegy author JD Vance, is an asshole and born-again MAGA fraud, but Mandel is, as the Wonkette Editrix observed back in 2012, a "horribly annoying talking-point pipsqueak who is annoying and thunders his talking points over and over again and is a pipsqueak." This is still true, except now he sets fire to surgical masks in protest.

Saturday, Mandel appeared an event hosted by Ohioans for Concealed Carry, where he once again promised that if elected senator, he'd impose the good version of Sharia Law on the nation.


MANDEL: In this country right now, we're in a fight. We're in a fight against the radical left, who are trying to take away our guns. We're in a fight against the secular left, which is trying to take God out of all aspects in our life. My feeling is we shouldn't be watering down our Judeo-Christian values; we should be doubling down on those Judeo-Christian values and instilling God in all aspects of the classroom, of work, and of society.

There's no point in explaining that Christians have it as good as ever. The right is spoiling for a fight, like a belligerent drunk at last call. Just existing in America as a marginalized group is like bumping into them and not saying “excuse me" quickly enough.

Mandel vowed that once in Washington, he'd make every decision with the “Bible in one hand and the Constitution in the other." It's unclear how he'd act on those decisions -- presumably he'd just order a nearby staffer to write everything down because his hands are full of religious principles he doesn't actually follow and democratic principles he doesn't understand.

Someone in attendance complained about the US Postal Service: “We need competent people delivering our mail so we don't have to wait for our neighbors to bring our mail over to us." There are legitimate issues with the post office, but it's a result of deliberate rightwing sabotage over the years. Of course, Mandel agreed the postal service is “incompetent," and proposed eliminating it entirely. The obvious solution to slow mail is no mail.

MANDEL: I'm going to post on the wall of my office the United States Constitution, and right next to it, I'm going to post an organizational chart of the federal government, and right next to it, I'm going to post an organizational chart of the federal government. And for every agency, sub-agency, bureau, department—all these departments we've never even heard of in the bowels of the federal government—I'm going to work with people like [Sen.] Rand Paul and [Reps.] Thomas Massie and Jim Jordan and others to try to eliminate all these departments that are never called for in the Constitution.

While Mandel is wallpapering his office with the Constitution, he might take note of Article I, Section 8, which grants Congress the power “to establish post offices and post roads" and “to make all laws which shall be necessary and proper" for executing this task.

Fortunately, it's hard to imagine Mandel, Rand Paul, Thomas Massie, and Jim Jordan combining forces and actually achieving anything, so the post office remains safe from their mischief. (Or at least as safe as it currently is under Louis DeJoy's garbage leadership.)

God help us if Mandel succeeds in his third bid for the Senate. This is when we beg Ohioans to consider Democrat Tim Ryan. We're desperate enough to dream he could pull off a Sherrod Brown miracle in the Buckeye State. Mandel sets fire to masks, but watch Ryan torch GOP House Leader Kevin McCarthy.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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