GOP Will Beat Beto O'Rourke By Showing Texas How Fuckable Beto Is
Beto pics in this post taken from Beto's Sextagram, we mean Instagram

We are in disbelief that we have waited this long to do our journalism duty and write an entire post about how TRULY MADLY DEEPLY fuckable Texas Democratic Senate candidate Beto O'Rourke is. But we will rectify that right now! (Haha, we said "rectify.")

It's timely because the Texas GOP has decided a really good way to go after Beto O'Rourke would be to show pictures of Beto when he was young and sexxxy and beautiful, doing things that are either naughty or allegedly naughty. (Beto porn or it didn't happen, Texas GOP.) They are doing this because Beto won't do a debate this Friday night, because the campaigns are arguing about details, particularly related to how Ted Cruz's team thinks it gets to set the terms of all debates. Beto O'Rourke isn't scared of debating Ted Cruz -- in fact, one of the things he wants revised is the schedule of debates, all of which Cruz put on Friday nights, because what happens in Texas on Friday nights? Everybody's watching their own local version of "Friday Night Lights" and ain't fuckin' nobody watching a Senate debate. If Cruz wasn't shitting himself over Beto, he'd be more than happy to debate when people are actually watching, we imagine.

Here's a clever tweet from the Texas GOP, screengrabbed in case they delete it out of embarrassment:

Oh no! Beto O'Rourke got a DWI when he was younger! GOOD ONE, TEXAS GOP! Of course, Beto has written extensively about the experience. If you'd like to know his thoughts about his run-ins with the law and what it taught him about the need for criminal justice reform, click here!

That's one smokin' hot mugshot, though.

When Ted Cruz was young he looked like this:

Hey, bro, are you on the National Do Not Fuck Registry? Because we sure ain't gonna fuck that.

Here's another from the Texas GOP:

OOOOOH! Beto O'Rourke was in a band! The rock 'n' roll punky funky kind! He's even wearing a lady dress of some sort and holy Jesus Christ would you look at those eyes and those lips and that ...

Also, we bet there are a lot of libertarian type Texas Republicans who think "was in a punk band whose lead singer went on to be in At The Drive In and The Mars Volta" is a big PLUS.

Here's a video of Ted Cruz when he was young, talking about how his greatest goal in life was to be in a "teen tit film."

Did you catch that?

Yeah, buddy. Need one more? What about Ted Cruz as a mime?

Hey, anybody slide off your chair just now? Didn't think so!

The Texas GOP has responded to the reaction to its tweets, clearly not realizing that the world is laughing at them, and not with them:


Really, Texas GOP? Is this the game you'd like to play? We get that you're fucking scared of Beto -- like REALLY FUCKING SCARED -- but showing us that one time Beto caught a charge for drunk driving (much like half of Texas Republicans, probably) and that he used to be in a band that wore FUNNY CLOTHES is not the way to win this fight. In fact, it's a really good way to kick your ball into your own goal, because Beto O'Rourke, then and now, is FUCKING HOT, and Ted Cruz, then and now ... well, he's always been Ted Cruz, which means we're dealing with the world's most unfuckable face this side of Donald Trump's unfuckable face.


Now lest you think we are just giving the nerd a wedgie by showing sad ugly pictures of young Ted Cruz, first of all the Texas GOP started it. Also, according to Ted Cruz's college roommate and pretty much everyone else, Ted Cruz has always been an awful, disgusting, insufferable human being, so if the Texas GOP wants to play a little game of Hot Or Not, we are DOWN FOR IT. For God's sake, we are talking about TED CRUZ.

So guess what? When Ted Cruz was young, his face was like it is now, and everybody hated him, just like they do now. His face, then and now, was the face of a man who left the bathroom 30 minutes ago and just now realized he didn't quite all the way finish pooping.

But maybe we shouldn't focus anymore on what these guys looked like when they were younger. Let's focus on the men they've become. Let's do this Goofus and Gallant-style!

Ted Cruz became this man:

Beto O'Rourke became this man:

Ted Cruz became this man:

Beto O'Rourke became this man:

Ted Cruz became this man:

Beto O'Rourke became this man:







Cruz trying to play basketball, DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY:

Beto giving a gorgeous speech on civil rights and the meaning of peaceful protest:

And for good measure, here is Beto's ass:

We'd show you Ted Cruz's ass but we don't hate you, so we won't.

What say you, Texas GOP? Got some more sexxx tweets about Beto O'Rourke? Because we got more pictures of Ted Cruz's stupid face.

And you, dear readers, have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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