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The last time we wrote specifically about the topic of the Republicans in Congress passing legislation to protect special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation, our headline was "GOP Will Protect Robert Mueller The Second It’s Too Fucking Late To Protect Robert Mueller." At that time, facing news that Donald Trump had indeed already tried to fire Mueller in the past, all the Republicans in the Senate and in the House were conscientiously jamming their thumbs up their asses and saying, "It's no big deal, Trump's not gonna do that, stop being such a Nervous Nellie about everything!"


Of course, to bring a bill to the Senate floor to actually protect the Mueller investigation, Mitch McConnell's sign-off is required, but unfortunately the Senate majority leader is too busy making out with turtle assholes to allow that, because #reasons, even though the Senate Judiciary Committee is planning to take a look at just such a bill TOMORROW:

“I don’t think he should fire Mueller, and I don’t think he’s going to,” the Kentucky Republican said. “So, this is a piece of legislation that’s not necessary in my judgement.”

“I’m the one who decides what we take to the floor. That’s my responsibility as the majority leader. We’ll not be having this on the floor of the Senate,” McConnell said during a Fox News interview.

Fucking Mitch McConnell, Jesus Christ.

"I don't think I'm GOING to have a car accident, so I guess I will not call Flo the Progressive lady."

"I don't think I'm GOING to break my dick off in a turtle-fucking accident, so I guess I will not get health insurance, FUCK YOU OBAMACARE."

Senator Thom Tillis, God bless him just this one time, had been TRYING. After spending a whole lotta months with his name on a bipartisan bill to protect Mueller, but not doing fuck-all about it, Tillis suddenly was visited by an angel of the Lord, who said unto him, "Oh shit, dude, the fate of the Republic is on the line, so can you please do something?" Tillis had started actively lobbying for his bill with Democratic Senator Chris Coons, which had been merged with legislation cosponsored by senators Lindsey Graham and Cory Booker, to FUCKIN' MOVE on it and get it to the floor. And his response to senators being all namby pamby like "PSHAW, Trump won't try to fire Mueller," or complaining that it was UNFAIR! he was being mean to Trump, was essentially "shove it up your ass":

Tillis doesn't think Trump will ultimately fire Mueller even as the president rages over the expanding Russia probe. But he has an impassioned response for his conservative critics nonetheless: "Spare me."

“Courage is when you know you’re going to do something that’s going to anger your base,” Tillis said in an interview in his Senate office.

“The same people who would criticize me for filing this bill would be absolutely angry if I wasn’t pounding the table for this bill if we were dealing with Hillary Clinton,” he argued. “So spare me your righteous indignation.”

Mommy, Daddy, look! It is a Republican with a backbone, and he's riding a unicorn with Santa Claus! Don't see that very often, do we?

But nah, let's not protect the republic. Mitch McConnell is over here trying to preserve what little hope he has left that the GOP will keep the Senate after November, and he wouldn't want any of the low-information heathen shitrockets who make up the GOP base mad in advance of the midterms by allowing a vote on legislation to protect our American institutions and the rule of law. Better to let a lawless authoritarian thug continue to run roughshod over our democracy, because McConnell has to keep his TURTLE POWER!

If ever a man was called upon to go fuck himself, Mitch McConnell is that man.

Oh yeah, and this non-entity too.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Are you a fairly regular Wonkette reader and have had a nagging little voice for some time saying “you should throw Wonkette a buck every month”? We would surely appreciate it!

[RollCall / Politico]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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