How does Florida Governor Ron DeSantis get dressed without a designated grownup to help him make the bunny ears to tie his shoes? Is there a special aide who accompanies him to the men's room to drop a target Cheerio in the water and then reminds the governor to pull his Underoos up before he goes back to work? Does his wife threaten to call Poppy Trump if DeSantis doesn't brush his teeth before bedtime?

Oh, it's funny, 'cuz it's TRUE.

As of today, Florida has nearly 7,000 identified cases of COVID-19, including a burgeoning outbreak at its 50,000-person, 55-plus community in Sumter County. DeSantis has been roundly criticized for refusing to shut down spring break, allowing tens of thousands of drunk kids to swap germs up and down Florida's coasts. And yet, the Miami Herald reports that Ron DeSantis, governor of one of the largest states in the country, is waiting for the White House to tell him if he should order people to go the hell home and stop spreading the virus.

"I'm in contact with [the White House task force] and I've said, 'Are you recommending this?'" DeSantis said yesterday at a news conference. "The task force has not recommended that to me. If they do, obviously that would be something that carries a lot of weight with me. If any of those task force folks tell me that we should do X, Y or Z, of course we're going to consider it. But nobody has said that to me thus far."


Yesterday was the first time that DeSantis hosted a coronavirus briefing in a room large enough to allow for social distancing. In fact, he excluded Miami Herald bureau chief Mary Ellen Klas from Saturday's press event because she had the nerve to request that it be held somewhere other than the state emergency operations center or DeSantis's office, both of which forced reporters to crowd into a small space. But don't worry, he still hasn't closed the beaches statewide.

Which is not to say that Governor DeSantis isn't treating this pandemic seriously. Taking a page from Big Poppy's playbook, he's currently refusing to allow passengers from the Holland America cruise ships Zaandam and Rotterdam to disembark at Florida ports after they were already turned away in Cuba, Mexico, and Peru.

On March 7, as the Grand Princess floated off the coast of San Francisco with 3,500 passengers, Donald Trump initially refused to allow it to dock out of fear it would mess up his coronavirus stats, saying, "I would rather because I like the numbers being where they are. I don't need to have the numbers double because of one ship that wasn't our fault."

"We cannot afford to have people who are not even Floridians dumped into South Florida using up those valuable resources," DeSantis told Fox News this week. "We view this as a big, big problem, and we do not want to see people dumped in Southern Florida right now."

First of all, many of those human beings whom DeSantis doesn't want "dumped" in his state are residents of the state of Florida, including Laura Gabaroni of Orlando who wondered why her governor was willing to take let the disease spread unchecked last month for the price of a few tourist dollars, but is now unwilling to take in sick Americans.

"Florida continues to receive flights from New York, and it allowed spring break gatherings to go on as planned," she said. "Why turn their backs on us?"

Second of all, FFS these are living, breathing human beings. Maybe Google the MS Saint Louis!

"These people have been turned away from so many countries, one after the other. We are their last hope. What are we going to do? Let this ship go back out to sea and float around and let people die? I don't think so," Broward County Commissioner Nan Rich said, urging the state to cooperate with the federal government to work out a plan to get these passengers off the boats and into quarantine.

And lastly, when Donald Trump is telling you to check your shit and quit being such a fucking monster, maybe give it a rethink?

"They're dying on the ship," Trump said Tuesday, promising to coordinate with DeSantis. "I'm going to do what's right. Not only for us, but for humanity."

Oh, and PS, if the governor was looking for an engraved invitation from the White House to issue a stay-at-home order and close the beaches, HERE YA GO, ASSHOLE!

Drunk off his ass, in a bathroom next to a methed out rentboy, Andrew Gillum could not possibly have done worse!

[Miami Herald / AP]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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