Great News, TLC's Going To Let The Duggars Perv Up Our TV Screens Some More
Cool Story: After Josh Duggar admitted to fingerbanging his family back in the aughts; and after news came out that his parents did all they could to cover it up; and after TLC canceled the family's well-known reality show, "Cannonball Vagina Jesus Hour"; and AFTER Josh Duggar was exposed doing gross things to porn stars and Ashley Madison robots and had to go to fake Jesus sex rehab; after all these things, the whore executives at TLC whore network have decided, hey, let's be whores and get some more of that sweet Duggar cash! For real:
Two months after the Discovery-owned cable channel canceled 19 Kids and Counting over Josh Duggar's sexual molestation admission, TLC has ordered several new specials centered on his two sisters, Jessa Seewald and Jill Dillard. [...]
The untitled specials will center on Dillard, her husband Derick and their infant son as they prepare to move to El Salvador for missionary work, and Seewald, who is expecting her first child with husband Ben on Nov. 1. Two or three are currently planned.
Ugh. Guess TLC's able to let a little child molestation slide, as long as it's bringing in the cash. (SORRY, HONEY BOO BOO'S MOM.) And the network says "two or three are currently planned," but come on, we all know they're just hoping to hit the ratings G-spot again, and once they do that, they'll plan "two or three more," and so on and so forth, and eventually the whole network will be about America's Most Productive Womb again.
So let's just accept this fact, move on, and try to help. Here are some of Wonkette's ideas for new Duggar specials. TLC is free to use any of these, and by "free," we mean "make royalty checks payable to both Wonkette Media Empire and Evan Hurst."
- Well, they're already following Jill and Derick Duggar-Dillard (surely he took her name too!) around El Salvador, where they are either A. Winning SO MANY SOULS for Jesus, or 2. Lazing about on the beach drinking virgin mai tais and 69ing each other Duggar-style, which is like when Derick holds Jill upside down while they sidehug. The Duggar-Dillards CLAIM they are in the mean streets, teaching gang members the Spanish sign language to "Lord, I Lift Your Name On High." Call that bluff, TLC. We want to see Jill and Derick Central American Gang Fight Club, and we want it NOW.
- Jessa and Ben Duggar-Seewald (he took the name too) are stupid, but maybe they can do an hour-long special where they go to museums and learn absolutely nothing about the world. Like that time they went to the Holocaust Museum and came away with a message about Charles Darwin and abortion.
- Anna Duggar: We know you have not been to Planned Parenthood yet to make sure Joshua didn't put any crotch crickets in your corn flakes. GO THERE. FILM IT FOR THE TELEVISION. They will do all the lady healthcare for you! It'll be an educational experience, and you'll fall in love with the place, just like the rest of U.S. America. Hey, at least it's something for her to do while she's holed up in Florida with her mom.
- Should we get the cannonball vagina herself back on teevee? WHY THE FUCK NOT? How about Michelle Duggar Visits Set Of "I Am Cait," Gives Caitlyn Jenner A Map Of Places She's Allowed To Take A Transgender Pee? It's for the children's own safety.
- Three words: DUGGAR AFTER DARK. Four more words: JOSH DUGGAR PENIS CAM. Simple. Put a GoPro on that groddy fucker's dick and see where it goes when nobody's home. NSFW obviously.
There, TLC. There are five good ideas for you. Wonkette readers will come up with more ideas in the comments, which are not allowed, but if you use their ideas, you have to pay them royalties too, you money-grubbing whores.