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Brett Kavanaugh is fucking pathetic. Nobody likes Brett, everybody hates Brett, guess Brett should go eat a bag of dicks with his tiny weird little butthole mouth.

But there's somebody who supports Brett Kavanaugh for SCOTUS, and it is this guy named Brett Kavanaugh, who is BEGGING OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let him get confirmed, because honest to God, he did not sexually assault all those women (at least that he remembers, and he's unwilling to answer honestly about his drinking in high school and college, and a million people from that time say he was a total asshole blackout drunk who treated women poorly, and the FBI wasn't allowed to ask questions about it either).

Kavanaugh is doing his begging on the editorial pages of the rightwing Wall Street Journal shitrag, because we guess that is how much privilege a fuckfaced white boy has that he thinks he can credibly be accused of sexual assault by multiple women and then have a full crybaby meltdown in the Senate Goddamned Judiciary Committee, but if he just begs hard enough in Rupert Murdoch's idiot paper, he'll still get every little thing he wants. Is he sorry for treating senators like shit and yelling loud conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton that probably originated inside Rush Limbaugh's skin folds? Is he sorry for being so undignified and generally ass-y? Nah. Is he very apologetic for having the AUDACITY to ask Amy Klobuchar if she was a blackout drunk, in response to her very pertinent questions about his drinking? Nah.


He can haz some SCOTUS now, though? He's been deserving this his whole entire life!

Hahahahaha, OK, if you're having to say it in the newspaper on the eve of your vote, you're probably full of shit. By the way, we are not quoting one word he wrote, because fuck that guy. Not even to point out that the whole thing is in the literal abuser's handbook on how to get your victims to come back, baby, come back, I didn't mean to hurt you I love you so much and will never hurt you again, carpooler's honor.

We are guessing this is happening because, well, first of all, Brett Kavanaugh is very emotional and shrill and hysterical and he should definitely smile more if he doesn't want people to think he doesn't have the temperament to be a Supreme Court justice. (SPOILER: too late!)

Moreover, it would appear that Mitch McConnell ain't got the votes. It was looking last night like McConnell doesn't have the votes, and this morning it looks like McConnell doesn't have the votes and holy God, even Axios, a dick-sniffer of a website if there ever was one, thinks Kavanaugh's WSJ op-ed was pathetic and made him look extraordinarily "desperate." Axios also reports that it would appear Mitch McConnell AIN'T GOT THE VOTES.

Is McConnell going to keep having Not The Votes? Dunno! Heidi Heitkamp came out last night and said nope, she has a soul, and even if it costs her her Senate seat, she can't vote for the likely sexual assaulter and still have a soul. Lisa Murkowski met for hours with sexual assault survivors FROM ALASKA, who traveled to Washington FROM ALASKA to see her. Jeff Flake has been spending a lot of time with his Democratic buddy Chris Coons, and Susan Collins and Joe Manchin ... hell, we don't know what the fuck they're up to, but we imagine it's no good. Probably drugs.

Meanwhile have you heard about all the literal gabillions of people who are coming out right now to say Brett Kavanaugh sucks and must be avoided at all costs and don't drink the punch? There are the 2,400-plus law professors who have signed a letter that says Brett Sucks and the National Council of Churches (the largest council of churches that ever counciled!) says Brett Sucks and motherfucking JOHN PAUL STEVENS did a real good thing yesterday when he stated for the record that Brett Sucks. Retired Supreme Court justices never do that.

Oh yeah, and you should read the Washington Post's editorial about Brett Sucks. It is mean and nasty and notes that WaPo hasn't written an op-ed about a SCOTUS nominee sucking since Robert Bork. That's how bad Brett Sucks.

When you're done with that, read the WaPo op-ed from Brett Kavanaugh's drinking buddies about how much Brett Sucks. Can you imagine your friends writing something like that IN THE NEWSPAPER? We would think it probably means you suck real bad if they did that!

In short, we still don't know what's going to happen, but with a trial vote scheduled for 10:30 this morning, it's still unclear if the GOP can get to 50 + Mike Pence, in order to put a probable sexual abuser with severe attitude problems on the highest bench in the land, for life.

Pray to your Gods if you have them. Gonna be a long weekend.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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