Grifty Jacob Wohl Has Some Hot Tips On Being Manly And Whatnot
Although Jacob Wohl has been kicked off of Twitter and was charged with a felony earlier this month, he is not letting those setbacks keep his Instagram game down. Which is both a curse and another curse, but also sort of a blessing because, not gonna lie, it is a hilarious hate read.
Gone are the days of overhearing hipsters in coffee shops talk about how much they love Donald Trump. Wohl's schtick now is complaining that none of the men are as manly as he is, and listing the various things that feminists have cruelly destroyed in order to keep Wohl and others like him from living their best Don Draper lives.
So let's laugh at them, shall we?
First up, we have the tragic tale of how feminists murdered locking briefcases in order to cruelly prevent their husbands from securely storing love letters from their secretaries.
I use a locking briefcase. Whenever I walk through an airport or an office building with it, people stop and compliment it. They say "Wow! you never see those anymore" — The removal of the locking briefcase from civil society was a feminist conspiracy. Back in old days, if a man had an extra cell phone, it would go in the briefcase when he got home. Love note from his secretary? Locking briefcase. Hockey tickets along the ice for him and his friends? Locking briefcase. Thanks to the feminists, men are now expected to carry around a soft, suede bag (preferably in a feminine color). It's time for men to take their privacy back. Get a locking briefcase today!
Ah yes, the olden days, with their many spare cell phones for mistress calls and what have you. Before there were so many classic feminist treatises like "Don't Let Your Man Have A Locking Briefcase" and "If Your Husband Has A Locking Briefcase You Will Never Be Able To Steal His Hockey Tickets That He Got For Just Him And His Friends!"
And now here is Jacob in a conference room NOT planning a Christmas Party. Why? Well, I bet you can guess.
In a boring-looking conference room planning some pretty exciting things today. Do you know what I wasn't planning? An office Christmas Party. Thanks to the feminists, you can't have office Christmas Parties anymore. I often chat with business owners at the gym who reminisce about the days when you could have an office Christmas party without worrying that your business would end up with a crossfire of MeToo lawsuits so messy that it resembles the shootout at the OK Corral. Oh well 🤷♂️ Feminism = No Fun Allowed.
Gosh, what is the world coming to when you can't even rape someone at an office Christmas Party anymore? Guess no more Turkey Lurkey Time for Jacob.
Turkey Lurkey Time - Stereo - 1969 Tony Awards - Promises, Promises youtu.be
But what are the men doing wrong, you ask? Are they to blame at all? YES. Yes, because they are drinking all the metrosexual fluids that prevent them from being as manly as Jacob Wohl.
Back in the old days, men consumed scotch and Cuban cigars. These days they drink "white claws" and suck on "vapes". If you wonder why Western Society is failing, look no further than the libations that men consume. Men lead, women follow. If your country's men are consuming metrosexual fluids, you can't be surprised when your country's women are turning to radical feminism. Take back your scotch, take back your country.
You know, I kind of hate to rain on his parade (kidding, I absolutely do not) or uphold ridiculous notions of what is or is not masculine or feminine... but like, I'm still fucking Italian. I'm pretty familiar with the concept of machismo. And I gotta tell you, Jacob Wohl and his Instagrammy cigars? They are not that. I don't know what they are, but they are... not that.
Alas, Jacob will probably be going to jail soon, and we won't have his Instagram to kick around anymore. Too bad!
Anyway, this is now your open thread! Talk amongst yourselves and whatnot!
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse