Grown-Ass President Wants A Cookie For Wearing A Mask In Public

Donald Trump finally wore a mask in public Saturday during a visit with wounded service members at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. He said it “wasn't hard” -- yeah, that's a real quote -- and the average 10-year-old who wears a mask without complaint would agree.

From CNN:

"I'll probably have a mask if you must know. I'll probably have a mask. I think when you're in a hospital especially in that particular setting, where you are talking to a lot of soldiers, people that in some cases just got off the operating table. I think it's a great thing to wear a mask. I've never been against masks but I do believe they have a time and a place," Trump told reporters ahead of his visit.

Joe Biden's spokesman Andrew Bates correctly pointed out that Trump has whined like a baby for months about masks.

BATES: Donald Trump spent months ignoring the advice of medical experts and politicizing wearing a mask, one of the most important things we can do to prevent the spread of the virus. Rather than taking responsibility and leading, he wasted four months that Americans have been making sacrifices by stoking divisions and actively discouraging people from taking a very basic step to protect each other.

First Lady Melania Trump released a hostage video PSA urging people to wear masks in April. Trump continued to have his face hanging out during his coronavirus task force briefings. He accused a reporter of being “politically correct" because he wouldn't take off his mask while speaking into a dirty ass microphone. Trump's Disney villain sidekick, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, said it was “peculiar" that Biden didn't wear a mask at home, where he's in quarantine, but wears one outside, where random people roam around. She's an idiot.

How to

Trump didn't wear a mask at his superspreader event in Tulsa, Oklahoma last month. He also didn't require that attendees wear masks. This is around the same time he said he wouldn't watch NFL games if players didn't stand for the national anthem -- no kneeling! -- but performative displays of patriotism have no proven medical benefits. Herman Cain, a cancer survivor, didn't wear a mask or social distance much at the rally and was later hospitalized with COVID-19.

The president's reckless defiance regarding masks has caused a great deal of damage already and is arguably directly related to the dumb ass culture war around wearing them. But his advisers reportedly “pleaded" with Trump to “set an example" for the people stupid enough to still support him. I don't know how they managed it. They might've showed him the latest swing state polls or maybe they put peanut butter inside the mask like how the producers of "Mr. Ed" got the horse to “talk."

Trump's fans are now celebrating him as a real American hero the likes we haven't seen since the Lone Ranger. His 2016 campaign sycophant Jason Miller declared that Biden can't possibly win against a president who now almost, sort of acknowledges that COVID-19 exists.


Biden has publicly worn a mask for months. He's not Little Richard. Trump can't just copy his style and declare himself a trailblazer. Ebony Bowden, a putative journalist, claimed the president “looks pretty badass in a mask." That's not the point. We're not debating the aesthetic merits of masks as a fashion accessory. Trump's deputy communications director, Erin Perrine, replied to Bowden's tweet and boasted that Trump rocked a “mask like boss." Sweet Christ. It's like they're parents who are happy that their child slept in his own bed all night like a “big boy."


What Trump's done isn't impressive, and he'll likely not wear a mask again for weeks. It's absurd to think he'll consistently model good behavior. At least 134,581 Americans are dead, so I have no cookies or fucks to give Trump for doing the bare-ass minimum during a pandemic.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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