Guess Which Big Tough Guy Americans Want To Be Their New Daddy

Do you even kick terrorist butt, bro?

Now that we are having Serious Conversations about terrorism, for the first time ever again, the real question terrified American-USers are asking is, "Who can we trust to kick the most terrorist behinds, for America?" And which dude's balls are big and brassy to git 'r' done? This dude:  

Among all poll respondents, Hillary Clinton beat the leading Republican candidates as the potential presidential nominee most trusted to handle terrorism, but her lead melted against several Republicans when the poll was narrowed to registered voters. [...]

Americans overall had more trust in the leading Democratic candidate to handle terrorism than each of the five potential GOP nominees. Compared head-to-head with real estate mogul Trump, who said he'd consider closing mosques, Clinton led 50 percent to 42 percent. Compared to Carson, who's mangled debate questions about the Islamic State and the Middle East, Clinton scored 49 percent to 40 percent picking the retired neurosurgeon. Compared to Cruz, a conservative senator from Texas, Clinton scored 49 percent compared to 40 percent.

And so on and so forth, down through the long list of various people who will never be president, until you you get to Lindsey Graham somewhere near the bottom and laugh out loud and say, "Why are you still here?"

Sure, the poll is meaningless. And it becomes even more meaningless if you focus on registered voters -- you know, the people who are likely to actually show up on Election Day, instead of the general public that includes lazy entitled millennials who demand Uber but for voting. Still, if we pretend this poll means some sort of A Thing, we are not at all surprised by its results.

Hillary Clinton is the only candidate running for president who has stone-cold MURDERED all of her political enemies, to death, leaving only Mike Huckabee to warn others.

Hillary Clinton is the only one who can do worse-than-9/11 terrorism, from her beeper.

And Hillary Clinton is the only candidate who was in the room when best-ever terrorist butt-kicker Prez'dent George Dubya Bush said, "Let's go kill us some bin Laden!" (Oh wait, that one's true. Sort of. OR IS IT? )

Obviously, this poll cannot be taken seriously, though, because everyone knows national security is better left to the menfolk, preferably the Republican kind, and it's probably best not to let some girl president mess up our perfect terrorist butt-kicking record now. She'd probably just want to take the terrorists shopping anyway, for SHOOOOOZ!

Americans will come around eventually, we are sure, and realize if they want a president who will really keep 'em safe from The Terrorists, there's a Jeb Bush fellow who's available. We hear he's got the right genes for that and everything.

[ HuffPo ]