Donald Trump gave a stupid and fact-free and wrong address about coronavirus from the Oval Office on Wednesday night, single-handedly crashing Dow futures and causing the markets to tank once again this morning. (The market was supposed to open a few hundred points up! But then Trump opened his scaly little shitmouth.)

Trump read the address (poorly) off his Teleprompter, but there was never any reason to believe he wrote any of it himself, outside the constant sniffing, which was clearly an ad lib. So who in the White House wrote that dumb shit? No YOU guess! No YOU guess! We'll give you a hint: Trump's speech was dumb and it had racist dogwhistles. Is that bringing any names to mind?

GUESS, GODDAMMIT, GUESS!

OK fine we will tell you. It was:

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And also:

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In other words, the very best people!


[Trump] blamed European and Chinese people for bringing the outbreak to the United States, describing it ominously as a "foreign virus," language that reflected the isolationist views of his chief speechwriter, Stephen Miller, who alongside Jared Kushner, the president's son-in-law, helped draft the address.

OF COURSE it was Pinky and the Brain. (Not sure which is which, we report, you decide. Just kidding, Jared is obviously Pinky, NARF!)

Jared is a DUMBFUCKING DUMBASS IDIOT who's in charge of everything at White House from "Middle East Peace" to "opioids" -- tasks he has obviously not completed -- so it stood to reason that Trump would also give him the big-boy responsibilities for "coronavirus." We were half-expecting Trump would give a presidential pardon to coronavirus last night, because of how Jared thought that would please the Democrats. That's always what Jared thinks. Did we mention Jared is a fucking dumbass?

And Stephen Miller ... well he's basically a fucking Nazi, despite how he is technically (a giant embarrassment to all) Jewish (people everywhere, including his own family). In Trump's batshit racist address -- which probably sounded totally normal to Fox News viewers, because of how they are also racist -- he specifically referred to coronavirus as a "foreign virus," and bitched at the Europeans for failing to do their fair share of containing it. So naturally we knew this had Stephen Miller's unfuckable Nazi-adjacent paws all over it.

Was there no one in the White House more qualified to help Trump comfort the nation in this time of peril? LOL, that's a little joke, since Trump's been purging all the smart career people who bother him with annoying "facts."

As Maggie Haberman and Annie Karni report at the New York Times, Stupid Jared is taking an "increasingly active role" in handling ("handling") the coronavirus crisis, but he's also telling Vanky's daddy that the media is totally over-hyping everything, just to hurt Dear Leader. They also report that Trump is bitching and moaning that he can't do his Hitler rallies the way he likes to do (the White House finally started canceling shit this week), and sharing his own incorrect belief that it's just not as bad as the Fake News media says. (GET TESTED, GRANDPA.)

You know, worldwide markets tanking and Cher canceling tours and the NBA suspending its season and PEOPLE ACTUALLY DYING are all just part of a conspiracy created by the Deep State to take down Trump. They're ALL in on it! That narcissistic fucking twat.

Haberman also has more reporting on why Trump ultimately waddled into the Oval last night after a hard day of presidenting, to lie to the American people and tank the futures markets. Surprise, it was because he had a FINANCE meeting with FINANCE idiots, because Trump knows this is just a big conspiracy to wreck the beautiful economy he has (not) created, to damage his re-election prospects:

And why hasn't Trump declared a national emergency, for this, an actual national emergency, unlike the NATIONAL EMERGY he declared for racism purposes a while back? Well, you see, Jared is doing some "research" and Trump just can't make a big decision on that before Jared finishes doing his "research."

Yes, we just typed that.

Giphy

One more thing before we put a fork in this post!

Regarding Trump's European travel ban that isn't actually a European travel ban! In fact, it isn't a ban on all of "Europe, where they keep the white people." It specifically excludes the UK, and only bans people coming from, or who have visited, the Schengen Area. Reporters already had deduced that Trump doesn't own any resorts in the Schengen Area's 26 countries, so there was probably some self-serving bullshit right there.

Did we just wildly speculate (WILDLY!) that Trump was trying to fuck the European Union, because of how he hates the EU, and because he shat on the EU in his very bad speech?

WE DID!

Well! We don't have full confirmation of our theory yet, but Trump was asked today about why he pulled that Europe travel ban shit without telling the EU, and wouldn't you know it:

That petty, sniveling bastard.

It only gets worse from here, better get to the store to buy toilet paper liquor!

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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