Guest Post From An Occupy Dude
By Lee Camp
We now spend roughly 15 years of our lives immersed in movies and videogames that have nothing to do with what’s going on in the world. There are global protests right now, and many of us are more caught up in the football game or the cooking show, the football game or the other football game, and then there’s a football game and after that there’s a goddamn football game! And I’m hoping soon they’ll find a way to combine a football game with a cooking show into a cookball game. And once that happens, I’m never leaving the house.
And the problem is people exhaust their natural anger about the shitstorm in which we live in easier, more suitable ways. Their kid is sick without healthcare, they’re behind on their home payments, but they’re FURIOUS because the Red Sox lost!
“Shut up, Timmy! Stop whining about your Lyme disease, Daddy’s busy with his misdirected anger! You should learn from your father and his crumpled up beer cans and go misdirect your anger! …Beat up your little sister or something. …You know, a little bit of fist medicine.”
And that brings me to my brilliant idea - Maybe if protests or the environmental destruction going on around the world were covered by sports announcers, people would finally give a damn. Perhaps that’s all it would take.
“Welcome to ESPN’s coverage of Occupy. The cops have clearly been training in the offseason. They have a whole new playbook. Wait, some of the protesters have button-hooked over to the unmanned side. They’ve jumped a barricade. The police have pulled out pepper spray! But the protesters have masks! They could – go – all – the – way – No! No! The police just beat the hell out of the protesters’ star player, an 85 year-old Granny for Peace. She’ll have to be carted off the field. Looks like the men in the blue will take this round, successfully protecting the criminal activity of the men in the ivory towers. Join us back here tomorrow when the protesters try a new tactic of aggressive singing and the cops try out tasers!”
Rome is burning, and we’re watching the gladiators …in 3D! There’s a reason Ultimate Fighting is now more popular than sex. Everyone’s into it. You see 300-pound morbidly obese dudes wearing Tap Out brand clothing in McDonalds. Can we make a rule that you’re not allowed to wear a Tap Out shirt if you, yourself would have to tap out halfway through a rigorous jumping jack?
There’s a real-life battle waging out there and instead of paying attention, most of us are watching “The Avengers.” Don’t get me wrong, I saw “The Avengers.” I’m not saying don’t watch the shit; I’m just saying don’t watch ALL of it. If the Incredible Hulk had used his anger screaming at the television because the Lakers lost instead of beating up the assholes from a another planet, mankind woulda been fucked. But luckily the Hulk had accidentally eaten his television one night after a few drinks, and therefore he wasn’t distracted by the cookball super bowl.