Gun-Toting Ass Will Defend Your Mansion From Pedestrians As Next Missouri Senator!

Gun-Toting Ass Will Defend Your Mansion From Pedestrians As Next Missouri Senator!

Mark McCloskey, one half of the less-than-dynamic gun-toting duo from St. Louis, Missouri, has declared his candidacy for the US Senate. Republican Roy Blunt is retiring, which leaves a vacancy for someone even worse. McCloskey answered that call.

Tuesday, the Senate hopeful beamed aboard the racist mothership that Tucker Carlson hosts each night and shared racist lies and propaganda. It's like he's already in the Senate. He just needs to start fist pumping at MAGA insurrectionists.

From the Washington Post:

"God came knocking on my door disguised as an angry mob," McCloskey said on "Tucker Carlson Tonight." "If we don't stand up now and take this country back, it's going away."

McCloskey seems to have mixed up his absurd Biblical metaphors. Why would God need a starship show up at his door in the guise of an angry mob? If God came to anyone's house over the past year, it was as a delivery driver from Grubhub or Instacart.

This is the rightwing echo chamber: The violent mob that besieged the US Capitol were just overzealous tourists, but the protesters taking a shortcut through the McCloskeys' “private" road were a violent mob.

McCloskey and his wife, Patricia, were charged in July with unlawful use of a weapon, a felony, after they were caught on video brandishing a tiny pistol (hers) and an overcompensating semi-automatic rifle (his) at protesters walking outside their mansion. They appeared more unhinged than the supposed “angry mob."

It doesn't seem as if this slow-moving “mob," bereft of pitchforks and torches, was about to break into the McCloskeys' house and kill everyone inside, even the help. This wasn't Bane's Occupy Gotham mob from Dark Knight Rises.

Despite McCloskey's repeated claims that he feared for his life and believed the protesters intended to harm his home during the march on June 28, video suggested that the crowd merely passed through an open gate on their way to the mayor's home to stage a peaceful demonstration.

Missouri's junior Senator Josh Hawley immediately jumped to the McCloskeys' defense, suggesting that St. Louis prosecutor Kim Gardner, who's Black, was “abusing" her power by prosecuting crimes committed by rich white people. Missouri Attorney General Eric Schmitt is trying to get the case dismissed. Missouri Governor Mike Parson has promised a “Get Out Of Jail Free" pardon if the McCloskeys are actually convicted.

When all this happened, the McCloskeys had released a statement supporting Black Lives Matter and boasting of their personal civil rights advocacy. That didn't last long, as they quickly became the latest conservative cause célèbre. They were invited to speak at the Republican National Convention, delivering racist talking points about how Democrats were going to abolish the suburbs and fill them with those people. “They want to take over," the couple warned all the scared white people watching at home, and those homes probably weren't even mansions. That's Joe Biden's America for you.

McCloskey has cleverly merged his campaign rhetoric with his defense strategy: He wasn't waving his gun at random people. He was holding off a deranged mob that wanted to kill him and his family. Here's what he said in his campaign ad, and no, we're not linking to that shit:

An angry mob marched to destroy my home and kill my family, I took a stand to defend them. I am a proven fighter against the mob.

This is a baseless claim that's rooted in the McCloskeys' paranoid fears that the French Revolution was coming for them. No one might expect the Spanish Inquisition, but conservatives see guillotines behind every corner.

In his campaign ad, McCloskey promises to fight for the Second Amendment (naturally) and “election integrity" (the Big Lie). He's ditched his country club polo shirt and khakis for manly plaid and denim. He also drives a tractor at some point. This reminds me of the Simpsons episode when Mr. Burns runs for governor.

McCloskey will run against his buddy Schmitt and former Governor Eric Greitens in the Republican primary. They are all terrible and one of them will join Josh Hawley in the Senate. God help us all and please leave our groceries at the front door.

[Washington Post]

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

Keep Wonkette going forever, please, if you are able!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc