Donate

Morning, hard working citizens of the Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


Reports of several people shot during practice for tomorrow's annual congressional baseball game, including Louisiana Rep. Steve Scalise. Thoughts and prayers and gun control y'all.

Almost 200 Democrats from the House and Senate have filed suit against Trump for violations of the emoluments clause that span teevee re-runs, Trump properties, construction services, catering, and clothing manufacturing from Not American services. RUH-ROH!

White House spox Sarah Huckabee Sanders says Trump has no intention of firing Robert Mueller, but he does "have the right to," which is funny because he actually DOESN'T technically "have the right to" fire the special prosecutor investigating his Russian pee pee tape.

Trump has given Defense Secretary Jim Mattis the power to adjust troop levels in Afghanistan, and as the gears of war continue to turn, Eisenhower is rolling uncomfortably in his grave.

Paul Manafort's business partner, Rick Gates, has been reportedly found wandering around the White House. Maybe he's helping Stephen Miller write speeches?

While the Senate keeps trying to sneak through their double-secret zombie TrumpCare bill, some details are beginning to leak out, but healthcare costs are continuing to bleed out America like a sickly founding father.

Meanwhile, Trump thinks the House TrumpCare bill is "mean," even though he already held his victory dance in the Rose Garden (with cheap beer).

The House Freedom Caucus might actually vote to life the debt ceiling, which is surprising considering how they're the ones who constantly bitch about government spending, however they (naturally) refuse to take an official position.

Trump wants to shift apprenticeship programs from the Labor Department to grant recipients, that way there's no pesky government watchdog asking stupid questions about federal funding. What could go wrong?

Elizabeth Warren has a bill to make hearing aids cheaper and more readily available, and it's got a lot of bipartisan support, so of course conservative groups are attacking Warren's hearing aid bill.

SCOTUS is giving Trump more time to explain his Muslim Ban...Travel Ban?...travel restrictions on immigrants from Muslim majority countries now that the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals has said (again) it's illegal.

Ivanka Trump will lean on Marco Rubio's retractable spine in arguing for family benefits via tax maneuvers and credits that will, in all likelihood, strip benefits from families.

REXXON tried defending Trump's budget cuts to foreign aid and Foggy Bottom in front of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, which was, according to Republican Sen. Bob Corker, "a total waste of time."

The Virginia gubernatorial primary race is shaping up to be a fun exercise in establishment politics as Ralph Northam wins the Democratic nomination, and Ed Gillespie BARELY beat good ol' Confederate boy Corey Stewart for the Republican nomination.

Missouri state senators are calling for an investigation into Governor Eric Greitens as it appears Greitens used a donor list from his former charity to raise money for his gubernatorial bid.

Meanwhile, Gov. Greitens has dragged state legislators back to the capitol to increase abortion restrictions and rip apart St. Louis abortion and pregnancy protections because he's pro-life. No, really, that's his reason for blowing thousands in taxpayer Ameros!

Let's all take a moment to point and laugh at Mike Huckabee's general stupidity and complete fucking ignorance of government processes.

A crazy person was sentenced to 18 months in prison after pleading guilty of possession of child pornography -- which was only discovered after he was caught attempting to hack into the Clinton Foundation in 2015 for evidence of Hillary Clinton's rape assassin jihadis.

The PizzaGate shooter says he's really sorry for that time he brought a fully loaded AR-15 assault rifle into a DC pizzeria to look for a geographically impossible sex dungeon.

And here's your late night wrap-up! Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Jeff Sessions and double-secret Super TrumpCare and had talky time with Kate McKinnon; The Daily Show isn't surprised Trump's threatening to You're Fired people; James Corden wondered if there's anything Jeff Sessions remembers; Conan O'Brien noticed that Jeff Sessions has a tell; Jimmy Kimmel dubbed Jeff Sessions and Ron Wyden over Loony Tunes; and Stephen Colbert looked for excuses with Melon Trump.

And here's your morning Nice Time: An Egyptian Tortoise trying to eat a strawberry! IT IS ADORABLE!

Help us fight the good fight by clicking the thingy below! We need Ameros to power through the days with sammiches, and coffee, and fuel for the Wonkebago!

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

$
Donate with CC

I wasn't ready for Koko the gorilla to die. She was just 46, so still young well past the upper age limit for a gorilla, but I'll miss her. She loved cats, told mildly amusing jokes, and put up with people, so she was a lot like your weird aunt.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Donald Trump held one of his televised cabinet meetings today in which he railed about the terrible Democrats who forced the current border crisis (at a time when illegal border crossings are actually lower than usual). In what's sure to be his favorite phrase on Twitter for the next few days, Trump blamed "extremist open-border Democrats" for all the problems he brought on himself with his family separation policy, and explained that Democrats were simultaneously hurting illegal immigrants AND the rest of America by forcing Normal America to accept Central Americans who fled to the US. It made loads of sense! And then things got ... less so.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

SINGLE & MONTHLY DONATIONS

SUPPORT THE CAUSE - PAYPAL DONATION

PAYPAL RECURRING DONATIONS

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc