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If you watched the first Trump impeachment hearing with witnesses Bill Taylor and George Kent, one thing you might have noticed is just how fuckin' weird all the Fox News conspiracy theories probably sounded to anybody who doesn't spend their life mainlining Fox News conspiracy theories off the TV screen while they imagine what it would be like to mainline them directly off Sean Hannity's nipples.

To be clear: Most people don't watch Sean Hannity or Tucker Carlson or Laura Ingraham. A lot of people are going to catch these hearings because they're in the doctor's office or waiting for their haircut at Fantastic Sams or they were planning to watch "Judge Judy" but this goddamned impeachment is pre-empting everything and now they'll never know if Judge Judy is going to rule that the defendant was wrong for that and owes the plaintiff 200 dollars. Try to see these hearings from the perspective of somebody who isn't paying close attention like you are, and also doesn't think Sean Hannity is a god of honesty and decency.


Then watch Devin Nunes and Jim Jordan and John Ratcliffe and all the other limp grundles on the GOP side of the House Intelligence Committee. (Wonkette's Five Dollar Feminist AKA Liz AKA if that is even her real name has already eviscerated GOP lawyer Steve Castor, who did a BAD JOB, right here.)

But first, watch George Kent debunk the batshit UKRAINIUM ONE conspiracy theory in real time, under questioning from Democratic committee lawyer Daniel Goldman:

Kent and Taylor said outright and without equivocation that it was RUSSIA that meddled in the election, and that Trump's conspiracy theories about Ukraine are hot garbage. They confirmed that Trump's conspiracy theories about Joe Biden are unsubstantiated hot garbage. They both said Trump's and Rudy Giuliani's activities in Ukraine have NOT been about serving the American national interest, but were decidedly about extorting Ukraine to dig up fake dirt on Joe Biden to help Trump steal the 2020 election. And under questioning from Democratic Rep. Eric Swalwell, they agreed that what Trump did was not only irregular and outlandish, but it was WRONG.

Meanwhile on the Republican side, AKA the Upside Down:

Imagine Being Devin Nunes's Cow, Watching This While Getting Milked.

Nunes set the tone for the GOP's questioning of these brilliant career diplomats/Ukraine experts with his opening statement, which we will now transcribe exactly copy/paste from our jokey treason paraphrase liveblog:

  • NO COLLUSION! UKRAINE IS THE REAL COLLUSION!
  • Democrats tried to get naked pictures of Donald Trump!
  • Steele Dossier! Phony fake Steele Dossier!
  • Apeshit words about Hillary Clinton and the conspiracy theories he finds on cow patties about how UKRAINE is the REAL COLLUSION!
  • WHAR HUNTER BIDEN?
  • Adam Schiff did a TREASON PARAPHRASE and needs to READ THE TASCIPTTYTT11! (Schiff had literally just read some of the transcript verbatim in his own opening statement.)

You think we are being unfair? Tell us if we are being unfair:

Nunes went on like this every time he remembered to question the witnesses, which wasn't that often, as he and his GOP counterparts often viewed their questioning time as simply opportunities to yell their conspiracy theories while the witnesses looked on like "wut?"

Here's a sample of Nunes questioning Ambassador Bill Taylor, again from Wonkette's TREASON PARAPHRASE, but it captures the gist elegantly we think:

NUNES: Bill Taylor, you didn't even know about the imaginary Ukrainian collusion happening in Donald Trump's imagination, DID YOU? Haw haw, what a idiot you are.

TAYLOR: Um, sure.

NUNES: Do you even huff drugs off of Sean Hannity's belly button and John Solomon's armpits?

TAYLOR: I guess I do not.

NUNES: Fusion GPS Steele Dossier!

TAYLOR: Is there something I'm supposed to say?

NUNES: A Ukrainian made fun of Donald Trump on the internet! Why did you not research this before you became ambassador?

TAYLOR: ...

And so forth. We are surprised Nunes didn't launch into a soliloquy about the imaginary internet cow what wounded him, but there are a lot more impeachment hearings coming, which means it could still happen.

Anyway, every time Nunes talked, he would start barfing out this shit, and when Taylor or Kent would look at him like he had sprouted tentacles from his armpits, he would huff and puff like PSHAW YOU HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD OF THE TENTACLES I JUST SPROUTED FROM MY ARMPITS!

In other words, one of Nunes's smarter performances.

These next two guys, though ...

Does Jim Jordan Yell So Fast So He Can Drown Out The Din Of College Wrestlers Telling Him The Team Doc Is Molesting Them?

Cheap shot at Jim Jordan? No cheaper than the clothes Jim Jordan wears to Congress.

Jim Jordan, who is every abusive stepdad from the 1990s, and you are never ever calling him "dad," was brought onto the House Intelligence Committee FOR SPECIAL because they think he is SMART and SEEKRIT WEAPON. Put him in, Coach! He's ready to play!

Given his chance to shine, though, Jordan just screamed and yelled about HEARSAY! -- an argument that will expire next week when Ambassador Gordon Sondland and others who have talked directly to Donald Trump take the stand. Of course, it's a self-defeating argument in the first place, because if people close to Trump, like Mick Mulvaney, could actually exonerate Trump, then why is Trump forbidding them from testifying? If there was exculpatory evidence -- or as Nancy Pelosi helpfully defined for Trump today, evidence that would make Trump look less guilty -- why wouldn't he want it front and center?

Speaking of, Jordan got really mad that the "person who started it all" was being banned from testifying by Democrats, by which he meant the whistleblower. Democratic Rep. Peter Welch of Vermont immediately clapped back at Jordan and got many LOLs from the crowd when he said the actual person who started it all, Donald Trump, is "welcome to take a seat right there!"

Elsewhere, Jordan tried to tell Bill Taylor the career diplomat who fought in Vietnam that he is just a big moron who couldn't possibly understand the high-minded foreign policy being conducted by Stable Genius Donald Trump. Jordan also relied on the notion that Trump didn't FINISH his crime of extorting Ukraine (because he got caught) and Ukraine got the aid EVENTUALLY (because Trump got caught), in order to say Trump is innocent. (He got caught.)

Here's a sample of Jim Jordan's general stupidity, which the wingnut website Newsbusters made into a video because they actually think Jim Jordan OWNED LIBS right here. (NARRATOR: He did not own libs right here.)

Jordan concluded by screaming MUELLER! and THEY SPIED ON TRUMP! and WHISTLEBLOWER! some more, because of course he did.

Imagine being Jim Jordan's cow watching this while getting milked.

Remember That Time The GOP Thought John Ratcliffe Was Its Most Valuable Player And Trump Tried To Make Him National Security Advisor But Then Everybody LOLed Because Ratcliffe Made Up Half His Resume And Then He Didn't Get To Be National Security Advisor?

Oh boy, THIS GUY. What a goddamned clown.

Known sack of shit John Ratcliffe got mad early on because Adam Schiff reminded witnesses that if somebody (a Republican) asked a question predicated on absolute bullshit, the witnesses were allowed to say the premise of the question is invalid. That is UNFAIR! How can Republicans hijack the hearing if they can't spread baseless conspiracy theories unchallenged?

As for the moments when Ratcliffe remembered to ask questions of witnesses, he went on and on about how Volodymyr Zelenskiy said Trump never pressured him to do investigations in exchange for military aid. It's a disgusting, disingenuous attack, as we angrily explained right here. Josh Marshall refers to Zelenskiy saying "no pressure!" as a hostage video, as he said it while sitting next to Trump. And our Liz likened it to "Zelenskiy holding a bag of frozen peas over his swollen eye and insisting nervously that he really just walked into a door." Which is correct because Liz is always correct.

That led to one of the funniest moments in the hearing, because Ratcliffe was in SUCH A DITHER that he stated that if the evil Democrats are going to say Trump did quid pro quo extortions to Zelenskiy, or that Trump "pressured" Zelenskiy, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CALL PRESIDENT TRUMP A LIAR!

Don't threaten us with a good time, John Ratcliffe!

Of course, Ratcliffe meant to say "President Zelenskiy," but it doesn't matter, because John Ratcliffe is a very stupid man who was making an invalid point.

Sometimes Ratcliffe just got really mad, when he'd ask a stupid question, that a witness would nonetheless try to answer his stupid question:

Ratcliffe is one of the best they have, y'all.

Imagine HIS cow watching this hearing while getting milked. Would she ever be able to show her face at Cow Bars ever again?

In Summary And In Conclusion, 'You Can't Promote Principled Anti-Corruption Action Without Pissing Off Corrupt People.'

George Kent said that during the hearing. It was awesome.

Keep that in mind as you watch these Republican jackholes rant and rave and lie and wail in devotion to their corrupt criminal president.

They're just gonna get more pissed off (and stupider) from here on out, y'all. Buckle up!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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