Check out all these stinkers trying to pretend it was the other guy who farted! Since the Obamacare repeal flamed out in July, the entire GOP clubhouse has smelled like raw sewage. All the old white guys are standing around wrinkling their noses and throwing each other accusing glances. Only the orange blowhard is boorish enough to come right out and shout, "WHO CUT THE CHEESE? OPEN A WINDOW, WILL YA! I'M DYIN' IN HERE!"

Whose idea was it to let that guy in? Did anyone check his references?

Right. So the president, who is definitely NOT a short-fingered vulgarian with inferior endowments, has been shit tweeting that he's going to take away Congress's health care if they don't come back here right now and destroy the American insurance market.

For the most part, Republicans have clenched their cheeks and held it in. But Monday, the pressure overwhelmed Mitch McConnell, and he finally let it rip in a roomful of Rotarians in rural Kentucky.

Our new president, of course, has not been in this line of work before. And I think he had excessive expectations about how quickly things happen in the democratic process. So part of the reason I think people feel we’re underperforming is because too many artificial deadlines — unrelated to the reality of the complexity of legislating — may not have been fully understood.

Which is Turtle talk for, "Listen, you ignorant Gasbag! We all made a load of bullshit promises on the assumption that Americans would never be dumb enough to elect you. Just shut up and go watch television while the adults try to cobble together something that we can call a win."

It took a couple of days, but the stench finally wafted up north. First to New York, where the Duke of Derp holds court.

And then to New Jersey, where the White House social media director, who was managing Trump's golf course two years ago, tweeted smack at the Senate Majority Leader from his own party.

Remember when Obama's social media director, former Twitter executive Jason Goldman, shit talked Harry Reid?


But after lunch, the Presiderp finally caught a whiff and shouted, "I knew it was you, Mitch! You cut a big fart! Mitch is a Turtle Farter!" MORE OR LESS.

And he's still at it this morning.

Which must be awkward for Mrs. Turtle Farter, being a member of Trump's cabinet. But more to the point, have these guys never heard of Saint Ronald of California and his Eleventh Commandment?

What the hell is going on over there on the Red Team? Trump ran actual attack ads against Dean Heller, the most vulnerable senator up in 2018. Jeff Flake is having an attack of conscience about Trump, and getting menaced for it by the RNC chair, who is suddenly more interested in protecting a sitting president than holding a senate seat.

Ron Johnson is speculating that John McCain's brain tumor caused him to save Obamacare. McCain is joking that people wish he were dead - and we're pretty sure he means people on his own side of the aisle! And the House Freedom Caucus is threatening to cut Paul Ryan's nuts off next month over the debt ceiling. Republicans have lost their damn minds!

Not that we're complaining! If Republicans want to start brawling instead of cutting food stamps and Medicaid so they can hand wads of cash to millionaires, that is fine by us! But as for which Republican is responsible for the stink in Washington, that is most definitely AOTK.

[WaPo / TPM / CNN]

Put some money in the till so we can stop making fart jokes already! And also so we can pay the rent now that we got rid of those smelly ads!

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The Church of Scientology had some thoughts about Our Robyn's piece, Who Wants To Watch A Creepy White Guy Rap About Scientology? We had some thoughts about their thoughts.

Thanks for writing in, Scientology! As you doubtless realized when you didn't demand we take down our story, but requested it instead, our opinions of your weird cult and that poor young man's rap skills are protected by the First Amendment. (I learned about libel law in college and grad school but also on the job: I was in newspapers so long that I was actually colleagues with Tony Ortega -- about whom you sound quite "venomous" and "biased" -- at the very same newspaper chain you can't believe he defended! Next up, please show your due diligence by talking trash about a woman you didn't know was my mom.)

Also, a lot of your former members say on the record that you kidnap people, and stalk them, and harass them, and sometimes beat them up good, and I request that if so, fucking stop it.

The rest of you click the headline, if you want your OPEN THREAD.

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Monday's Trump-Putin press conference landed on the entire free world like a hot treason-shaped turd, didn't it? Congressional Republicans have been saying mean things about it on Twitter, and even Fox News has been less than 100% supportive! The White House communications department obviously knew it had a crisis on its hands, what with how it's generally considered inappropriate for the leader of the free world to get on all fours in front of the Russian president and wag his tail and slobber with anticipation while he awaits his next marching orders. WOMP WOMP, etc.

So the comms department typed up a thing for the president to read aloud today at the beginning of his meeting with members of Congress, about how he was VERY SORRY he said one word incorrectly during the Putin presser. That's right, only one word of that whole fucking shitshow was wrong. All the rest of his traitor words were exactly what he meant to say.

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