Hannity Awards Trump Shiny Participation Nobel For Tapping Out In North Korea

Hooray for the Dear Leaders! Let us all prostrate ourselves before their caravans as we sing hosannas of gratitude to Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un for their rousing success in Hanoi. Trump is wheels-up on Air Force One after achieving exactly nothing, but at least he didn't give them Ivanka! So time for Shinzo Abe to get his nominating pen out and write another letter to the Nobel Committee now that world peace is at hand.

We were led to believe that Donald Trump was just about to ink an historic deal to bring harmony to the Korean peninsula. Truth, light, and kim chi for all! In June, he tweeted that "There is no longer a nuclear threat from North Korea." Just yesterday, President Arty McDeals was promising that we'd have a shiny new deal real soon.

He'd already gotten the party started by giving up the demand for inspections to ensure that North Korea actually dismantle their nuclear program. Trust, but don't verify, as Saint Ronnie used to say, right? LOL, remember that funny time when Trump pulled us out of the Iran denuclearization deal because he said the inspections regime wasn't sufficient to ensure compliance? Guess it's different when you're IN LOVE with a hot stud like Kim Jong Un, huh?

We said HUH?

Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats testified last month that "North Korea will seek to retain its WMD capabilities and is unlikely to completely give up its nuclear weapons and production capabilities, because its leaders ultimately view nuclear weapons as critical to regime survival." But those Deep State intel dorks can suck it! Because Donald Trump talked to Kim Jong Un personally, and he knows that guy would never lie! (See also, Putin, Vladimir and Bonesaw, Mohammed.)

Otto Warmbier was a 21-year-old UVA student arrested and sentenced to 15 years hard labor for stealing a propaganda poster on a trip to North Korea in 2016. He was brutally tortured for 17 months, forced to make a taped confession, then sent home to his parents in a coma which the North Koreans attributed to the effects of botulism and a sleeping pill. The Trump administration trumpeted its great diplomatic success, although Warmbier died six days later, and doctors diagnosed a traumatic brain injury and no botulism. A federal court found North Korea responsible for Warmbier's death and fined the country's government $50 million in December. But don't worry you guys, because Donald Trump knows Kim Jong Un is a gentle soul, and he's sure that guy would never have let his goons torture Warmbier into a vegetative state. Sure Kim assassinated his own uncle using an anti-aircraft gun (although some people say it was by setting a pack of starving dogs on him) and sent two women to smear VX nerve agent on his half-brother's face in a crowded Malaysian airport, telling them that they were in some kind of reality television show. But when you get to know him like Trump does, you'll see that he's a real sweetheart who wouldn't hurt a fly.

Kim is actually really sensitive! That's why Trump barred a bunch of journalists from covering their dinner last night in Hanoi. Because those uncouth members of the lamestream media shouted questions, and it hurt Kim's wee fee fees. Plus, you know how much Trump loves protocol, and respect for the office of the presidency when he is in it.

But even Donald Trump has his limits. (Who knew!) Although his own staff were terrified that he'd agree to pull our troops out of South Korea and grant North Korea normalized relations in exchange for a handful of magic beans, His Orangeness was apparently unwilling to cancel all sanctions on North Korea as a mere precursor to denuclearization talks. So, slow fucking clap for that one.

Or huge standing ovation from Bret Stephens at The New York Times. Because we're supposed to congratulate President Babyshits when he takes a giant dump on the floor and doesn't even roll around in it! Okay, he almost walked us over the precipice and abandoned our South Korean allies to their fate. But he didn't actually jump ... yet.

Sean Hannity, who was doing very serious journalisming in Hanoi with Trump, had a different explanation. Trump wasn't cranky because Michael Cohen was testifying about all his one million crimes to Congress. Not at all! He's just such a master negotiator that he knows that sometimes you have to get absolutely pantsed and call it a win.

The president was so clear all week in telegraphing that he doesn't want to rush this, that he prefers a good deal, and if it takes time --- it takes time. And you know what's really funny, and I see this about the news media all the time, if they would just maybe take a little bit of time and try and understand President Trump a little bit more, maybe they could read The Art of the Deal, because I think -- one of the bestselling business books in history -- and what does he say in there? That if you want to be a great businessperson, up to the last second in any deal, you gotta be able to stand up and walk away and not want it too much.

So, mazel tov! He didn't buy that timeshare in Kaesong, even though they promised to throw in a lifetime supply of fermented grass clipping soup. Just this once, President Loudstupid managed to not get suckered. But the night is still young! Before Trump left, he told reporters:

I think it was very good, very friendly. This wasn't a walk away like you get up and walk out. No, this was very friendly. We shook hands. We -- you know, there's a warmth that we have and I hope that stays. I think it will. But we're positioned to do something very special.

They're not breaking up, you guys. They're just on a break. We're not dead, see, but we're all gonna die. Totally different!

[NBC / NYT / WaPo / Vox]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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