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We thought this was a joke when we saw it but it is not a joke:


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRINCESS OF AMERICA! For her birthday, Robert Mueller got Ivanka Trump the following things:

  • Not indicting her husband on her birthday. This will allow her to enjoy 21 minutes of rollicking birthday sex this evening, perhaps while they listen to their 21-minute Spotify playlist of sex songs! Of course, He Went To Jared might have been able to come home tonight -- Paul Manafort and Rick Gates are being confined to their houses now, in fact! -- but LOL ankle bracelet sex is sooooooooo awkward like "OW YOU HIT ME ON THE FUNNYBONE AGAIN, JARED!"
  • Not indicting her brother on her birthday. It would have been a real pain in the rear if she was all ready to get in her Princess Of America limousine to go to her surprise birthday dinner at the Shoney's off the highway and then UGH that stupidfuck Junior used his one phone call in jail to be like "Come gimme, 'Vanka, I got 'rrested for having a bad-looking face and also treason."
  • Not indicting HER on your birthday, because we are certain Mueller has some SHIT. ON. HER.
  • Ensuring that the West Wing was COMPLETELY distracted from anything resembling acknowledging "HBD IVANKA!" at any time today. This surely consigned the First Lady Daughter to hours of wandering the halls, occasionally getting her hopes up that maybe, just maybe somebody would be thoughtful and remember. Would Sarah Huckleberry say something in her press conference? Nope. Would daddy invite her into his special lunchtime with Jeff Sessions and maybe Jeff Sessions would do that old Alabama trick for her birthday, the one where he says "What's that behind your ear?" and it's a bunch of Jimmy Dean sausages? Not that either.
  • Actually all the above is fake news, because the worst gift Robert Mueller gave is that he didn't even look up to see if it was Ivanka's birthday before he declared the official opening of the first annual Mueller Time Olympic Games. BECAUSE NO ONE CARES.

Woe is Ivanka!

Oh, there is also this, so we can surmise that MAYBE Mueller gave Ivanka the gift of wondering which day in the next few weeks her hubs is going to jail:

Ivanka Trump is 36 years old today. Coincidentally, 36 is probably a good guess for how many of her friends and family will go to jail as a result of Mueller's investigation!

SAN DIEGO WONKERS, reminder! We are throwing you a party tonight, and it is not in honor of Ivanka Trump's birthday! It is at Chicano Park from 5:00 to 8:00! You will be there!

As for the rest of you who are too lazy to be in San Diego right now, it is your open thread.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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