No, here's to YOU.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the best first lady in the history of U.S. America, who will continue to hold that title for the rest of all time, and who will continue to be first lady long after Melon Trump and Vank-Vank are exiled to Siberia to live with their real dad Vladimir.

We are of course talking about Betty White, who turns 95 today!

JUST FOOLING, we are talking about Michelle Obama, our once and future queen, who is free to -- after she gets birthday lovesexxx from Our President Barry, and also flowers and chocolates and whatever other charms she wants -- declare herself empress for life and thus cancel Donald Trump's inauguration.

We are very sorry so many lifetime residents of the Basket of Deplorables spent Barry's entire presidency talking shit about this beautiful, intelligent, classy woman, who never wanted anything more than to let girls around the world learn and make those Deplorables' kids a little more healthy and a little less full of early onset dia-beet-us.

She's been a role model for girls and women and boys and men and black folks and white folks and gays and straights and trans folks, and she made racists CRAZY every time they saw her in the White House. So we can thank her for that too!

Oh, and did we mention she is an incredible mom? She is an incredible mom.

Let's look at some awesome pictures of her, to celebrate her 53rd birthday:

Michelle Obama right after she smacked Stephen Colbert in the blanket fort



YAY, MICHELLE OBAMA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We will never do a post like this for Melania Trump!

For a quick comparison, and to prove the #ScienceFact that Michelle Obama is the best ever, let's look at pictures of the OTHER people named "Michelle" (or "Michele") that Wonkette's written about over the years:

In conclusion, Michelle Obama is the greatest human being alive, and you may now commence to yapping in your open thread.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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