Talk about a lost fucking cause. The Lost Cause is an institutionalized sentiment that paints the efforts of the Confederacy to secede as some kind of heroic bullshit. Why do losers re-enact Civil War battles? Wouldn't exist in a somewhat healed and responsible country, because no one would want to fight on the side of the Confederacy. But that shit stays glorified in memories and movies because Heritage, right? You don't see the Germans celebrating Nazism and treating the rise of Hitler as some golden era long gone by, do ya? So what the fuck is wrong with the US?

Today, some states are observing Confederate Memorial Day, also known as Confederate Heroes Day. State offices and schools are closed in Mississippi and Alabama to commemorate that some white people can still be proud about their family fighting to keep slaves. I can't for the life of me think of any other reason. Because there is no other reason. The Civil War was fought so the South could keep slaves, full stop. Alabama and the rest made it VERY CLEAR, no matter what those nice white ladies in the 1970s claimed when they decided to rehab their "heritage not hate." Maybe the South still hasn't gotten over the "you ain't the boss of me" phase that started when the got their asses handed to them back in 1865. Alabama really takes this shit seriously and has no intentions of slowing down, since they just put up another We Love and Miss Free Labor statue in 2017. That's not really the name but I don't care what it is. I really don't. 

Just who are the Confederates that warranted statues be made in their honor? Well in Mobile, Alabama, for example, a really famous southern guy named Raphael Semmes has a striking monument, hand on his unapologetic hip.

Yup, that's just about how he should look. Super comfortable with the notion and absolutely sure that the world was his. Evidently dude was a renowned and decorated "commercial raider" for the Confederate Navy. "Commercial raider"? Translated, that means my nkka was just a mother fucking pirate! Southerners certainly have mastered the turn of phrase, no? Statue justified, pop a bottle! Semmes was so celebrated that he got a job teaching philosophy of all things (I'm white, therefore I am) at LSU after losing the war. Again, old boy absolutely deserves a statue of Entitlement.

As the self righteous South does when it comes to protecting their secession past, the governor of Alabama recently signed legislation to protect all Confederate statues more than 40 years old from removal. She wasn't about to have a North Carolina situation on her hands where statues were being unceremoniously removed. What would they celebrate today if that happened? What would the resurgent KKK have to rally around? Lord knows there is nothing worse that an uppity white supremacist. They deserve their statues and holidays just like every other rejuvenated murderous racist. And think of all the poor tiki torch makers, willya? Yes, today is a great day for the kids to be out of school enjoying a spring day courtesy of the Confederacy that wishes some of them would still answer to pickaninny. Luckily Tennessee doesn't celebrate until June 3, otherwise the children might have run into that balls out murderer white supremacist Waffle House shooter. Wonder when his statue goes up...

Now be mad with us in this OPEN THREAD.

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A Nice Lady

A Nice Lady is a not very nice third place winning Jeopardy! contestant mouthy black broad perpetually plotting an escape from corporate shackles...

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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