Happy Day! Jared Kushner Has Made Yip Yap Words, With His Face!

open wide!

BREAKING NEWS THAT IS BREAKING! Prince Jared Kushner of the Trump-Kushners was allowed to open his mouth and emit sounds on Monday morning! It was ... well, let us put it this way. Are you familiar with his sexxxy abs, the hotness of which we chronicled (WITH SHAME) back in December? The peeps what come from his face hole do not match those abs.

Have a listen:

OK, so he is talking about "data centers" and the "cloud," or maybe he is talking about brokering peace in the Middle East (on his agenda this week!) or going to jail (possibly on his agenda soon!), but that is not the point. Is his voice everything you thought it would be? Does it feature dulcet tones that woo you like a common Ivanka? Do you feel like maybe he is saying con man words, to con you? The beauty of Jared's voice is indeed in the eye of the beholder.

Just kidding, it is kind of a let down. He has a strong New York accent, which makes sense, due to being from a New York family. But we expected him to be more whispery. And higher pitched. We're not saying we expected him to sound like a cuck (you do NOT call Jared a cuck). We just thought his voice would be a little sweeter and harder to understand.

We always figured a common conversation between Jared Kushner and a random human would go like this:

JARED: mumblewhispermumblewhisper.

HUMAN: What?

JARED: mumblemumbleMUMBLEwhisperwhisper

HUMAN: Excuse me?????

JARED: [gives the human butterfly kisses with his fluttering eyelashes]

HUMAN: Stop that!

JARED: I'm going to evict your entire family.

Wonkette is aware of Jared Kushner speaking FOUR other times in his life. He was a very important character in this video about how he bought some buildings from the Jehovah's Witnesses. He's a little bit looser here, but he's still all Business Time, so it is very ZZZZZ:

Another link available on YouTube shows Jared talking for eight or nine minutes about real estate development in Brooklyn, and he is EXCITED! Or rather he's as excited as one can get when talking about building office space:

A third time Jared opened his mouth and created vowel and consonant sounds was very recently. The CBS "This Morning" show was taping at the White House, and in the course of interviewing Ivanka, Gayle King and the other hosts spotted Jared hiding behind a curtain. Everybody was like "COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE!" and Jared was like "pitter patter pitter patter" and the hosts were like "SPEAK, DIMPLE BUTT!" and he was like "squeak!" It was much more in line with what we expect out of him:

Finally, Jared is occasionally allowed to speak in videos on Ivanka's Instagram. Here is one where he sounds TOTALLY NORMAL, because he is feeding his baby. He says things like "Here you go" and "Try this, it's very yummy!" and "You like that?" He sounds like a regular person, with feelings and everything!

In conclusion, Jared Kushner possesses a voice, and he will say words whenever the fuck he wants, because you are not his real dad, OK? His real dad is a criminal, and that has literally nothing to do with the point of this post. We just like mentioning it all the time but especially in this, your OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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