Happy Memorial Day From Donald Trump, Who Loves America More Than You Do
Today is Memorial Day, the day on which Americans reflect on the sacrifices made by those who died in defense of our great country or at least its international/corporate interests at the time, depending on the conflict. To mark the solemn occasion, Donald Trump traveled to Japan so he could be the greatest guest of honor for the new emperor, Naruhito, because he (Donald Trump) is literally America.
Before leaving, Trump explained to reporters Thursday why this is such an enormous honor for him, Donald Trump, the biggest guest of honor at Japan's biggest event, bigly:
"It's a very big thing going on with the emperor," Trump said. "It's something that hasn't happened in over 200 years. I am the guest, meaning the United States is the guest, but Prime Minister Abe said to me very specifically, 'You are the guest of honor. There's only one guest of honor. You are the guest of honor.'
"With all the countries of the world I am the guest of honor at the biggest event that they've had in over 200 years," Trump said. "So it's a great thing. And we get along very well with Japan. I get along very well with the prime minister so we're going to be spending two days over there."
Now, it's true that Trump is the first head of state to visit Japan since the enthronement of Naruhito, who became emperor after his father, Akihito, abdicated at the beginning of this month, the first time a Japanese emperor has stepped down in 200 years. Why, yes, that's why it's such a big deal, not because Trump happens to fill the office at the moment. Having the US "president" visit first, said Takehiro Shimada, minister of public affairs for the Japanese Embassy in Washington, is meant to emphasize the importance of the US-Japan relationship. Really, Japan would be doing this even if Hillary Clinton were president.
During the big event, Mr. Trump is expected to demand Emperor Naruhito tell him how calm and non-tantrum-y he is, and then to regale the direct descendant of the sun-goddess Amaterasu with a detailed anecdote about how nobody thought he could get enough electoral votes on election night 2016, but he showed them.
Because of the celebratory nature of the visit, very little policy discussion is expected during the trip. Trump and Prime Minister Shinzo Abe attended a sumo match, during which Trump probably said something incredibly stupid that will inevitably be leaked and then denied. They'll also play golf, which unlike that time Barack Obama played golf on Memorial Day, will NOT dishonor the sacred war dead. Especially if Trump pesters Abe to nominate him for the Nobel peace prize again. As we noted last year, Donald Trump is far classier than Barack Obama, who just couldn't stop dishonoring the troops, while Donald Trump knows what Memorial Day is all about, as in this solemn remembrance from 2015:
Sadly, there are no plans for the reality TV host to appear on even a single wacky Japanese game show, like "Human Tetris."
Funny Japanese Game Show - Human Tetris www.youtube.com
Or possibly "TORE!" where contestants must answer seven quiz questions before getting "mummified" (those who fail at least get a stylin' sarcophagus).
TORE! - Japanese Mummification Game Show 2 www.youtube.com
Instead, Trump will no doubt show his Japanese hosts how we commemorate our war dead, by singing and dancing around like an excited toddler.
This Japan trip should be far better for Trump than the awful visit he had in 1990, when the press only showed up to meet his plane because of a rumor Trump would be bringing Michael Jackson, and then ignored Trump completely. Trump had a terrible time. He groused, "I'm not going to eat any fucking raw fish," but finally felt better when he learned Japan has McDonalds. Plus, this time, he'll actually be able to meet the emperor, unlike in 1990, when he visited the Imperial Gardens and had a brainstorm, according to Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump:
Donald orders his entourage. "Tell him I want to see him." But like the Japanese media at the airport, the emperor's spokesman does not seem to know who Donald is. He informs Donald's intermediary that an appointment might be arranged one year from the following Thursday, provided that the emperor is supplied with a written request stating the purpose of the visit.
It's anyone's bet whether Trump will bring that up with Naruhito -- sometimes he has the best memory, sometimes not.
Already, Trump has made some news, in his typically weirdass way. He gave the sumo champion a great big trophy!
Trump also bowed to the rassler and other Japanese people several times, and yet somehow, the Gateway Pundit managed not to freak out. Remember when Obama betrayed America by bowing to a robot?
The Trump bow? No mention of it -- instead, the Stupidest Man on the Internet said the "crowd loved it" and headlined the clip "MUST-SEE VIDEO." But best of all were the several commenters praising Trump for NOT BOWING, unlike that shameful Obama.
Dude. He bowed. we counted four times at least. As one does in Japan, calm down. Bow, Trump, BOW!
Trump also explained that when his very good friend Kim Jong Un fires off some ballistic missiles, that isn't anything to worry about, because they are such good friends, and after all, he and Kim share a common enemy: Joe Bidan [sic].
Trump later sent a corrected version -- only the spelling, not the lack of concern about his pal ramping up missile tests. Beware the rocket ships over Japan, dude -- Gojira and Gamera can't stop them all.
Yr Dok Zoom wrote this thing up in advance, and If Trump manages anything particularly outrageous on Memorial Day, we may update -- or not. Like for instance, given his newfound fondness for war criminals, maybe Trump will suggest a visit to the Yakusune Shrine, which honors fourteen class-A WW II war criminals. Anything in the name of international cooperation.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.