Happy Thanksgiving, Now Get The F*ck Out!
Allo allo darling terrible ones!
You may have noticed we frontloaded all the Thanksgiving recipes this morning with a quickness; that is because after TEN YEARS (really, how DO I do it!) of owning this bitch, I decided it would be thoughtful to give you time to go to the grocery store, for a pineapple, and ginger, and pirates teeth.
Now what shall we do with the rest of our day???
Well, first, we'll tell you that we love you.
That isn't some bullshit. I mean, I can't speak for Shy or Evan or SER or Robyn or Dok or Liz or Michael or Gary or or Martini or Hooper your bartender, who even knows what they think of you!
But me, I love you, because I'm a sucker for people who love me back.
Also, you give me money to pay my wonderful writers, for whom I am so thankful I almost can't stand it. How does Dok learn everything he needs to know on a complex policy in 45 minutes, explain it to you, and add bad jokes for which I fire him? How does Evan keep his mean cusses so fresh and minty-clean? How do Robyn and SER keep plowing through all the #wars against us with a jaunty one-liner and a cocked chapeau? How does Liz stay such an amazing bitch?
This is, surprisingly, not a bonus monthly moneybeg (although you can always send me some, I hardly ever say no), even though next month I won't be taking a salary again for the third month in a row (it's okay, I still have some house money, no not casino money, like I sold my house). And also I need holiday bonuses for the kids. And also we're finally FINALLY moving platforms again which set us back like $12 big, or else I would probably still have money in the bank and wouldn't have to pester you for my staff bonuses. Which I would anyway now that I think about it, because of how we are ad-free and paywall-free and big-swinging-dick-investor-money-free, and I always ask you for everything.
I guess what I am saying is you can send me money if you like.
But more importantly, I love you.
I hope you've got someone you like to spend tomorrow with. If you don't, we'll have Dok's annual Thanksgiving Murder Poem for you to comment in and around. If you're in Quebec City, come see us on Sunday. And we'll have a few wee small posts throughout the weekend to keep you jollied up, or the opposite!
Stay sweet have a bitchen summer xoxoxo,
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.