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Oh golly gee willikers! If you are like everybody on the internet right now, you are having palpitations over what it means that Paul Manafort has pleaded guilty and agreed to cooperate with the government. Yes, the man Donald Trump once called VERY HONORABLE because he had so far failed to flip (because flippers should be illegal!) has done the unthinkable and flipped.

This. Is. YOOGE.


The full plea agreement has now been released, so we wanted to augment Donald Trump's sadness by noting that it spells out that cooperating means cooperating. Robert Mueller isn't going to look at Manafort and say, "Tell us about all the times Donald Trump Jr. has wet himself in your presence because he's such a Diaper Don," and be satisfied in the knowledge that Manafort has (ALLEGEDLY!) just told you 10,000 of Donald Trump Jr.'s most embarrassing moments. Cooperating means cooperating.

Lawyers on the internet and on the TV have been making this clear today. Even Alan Dershowitz said on TV that this is very bad for Trump and that a pardon is basically off the table at this point, and Alan Dershowitz doesn't think anything is bad for Trump, because Alan Dershowitz looooooooooooves Trump. (NO HE DOES NOT! DO NOT SAY THAT, WONKETTE! ALAN DERSHOWITZ LIBEL! MCCARTHYISM!!!!11!!!!!GHAZI!!!!!)

In short, Robert Mueller got everything he wanted.

Let's read the plea agreement and rejoice in Robert Mueller's success and Donald Trump's pain! Here are the terms of Manafort's cooperation:

Allow Wonkette to unfairly and harmfully to the national discourse summarize what that says:

  • Paul Manafort gotta give the government whatever documents they ask for, and also do whatever Robert Mueller says, because Robert Mueller is his new Daddy.
  • Paul Manafort gotta testify wherever they tell him to, about whomever they tell him to. That includes the grand jury.
  • Paul Manafort BETTER NOT LIE.
  • Paul Manafort better understand that he's not getting sentenced until the government says he's done cooperating.
  • Paul Manafort gets ZERO NEW OSTRICH JACKETS FOR THE REST OF LIFE.

Oh yeah, and just below that section, the plea agreement states specifically that Manafort "waives any right to have counsel present" during any interviews with the FBI or government attorneys, so guess that joint defense agreement Rudy Giuliani's been bragging about just hurled itself off the top of Trump Tower. Moreover, Manafort specifically is disallowed from committing ANY MORE CRIMES, as if that needed to be said, oh wait, this is Paul Manafort, so it probably needed to be said.

We're not sure what exactly Manafort knows about Donald Trump and other members of the Trump campaign and other members of the Trump family, but we suspect it's a lot, for reasons we laid out in this post right here. And Manafort better tell the truth, because otherwise he won't get the sweet ass terms of his cooperation agreement. In other words, cooperation is cooperation and Paul Manafort has to do it goodly and bigly, as explained right here in the plea agreement:

And NO FUCKING PLEADING THE FIFTH. Because you done just forfeited the right to do that, Paul Manafort!

Oh, and one more thing. A lot of the things Manafort is admitting to today are things from his Virginia trial that made the jury very well-hung (again, that's just the correct legal term for a jury that can't decide); they're being dropped now as federal charges, but they could always be brought back in state court, which is entirely outside the president's pardon power.

So no funny business, assholes!

Anyway, this has just been a very nice Mueller Time Friday, hasn't it?

As for Donald Trump, all we can say is HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, PRESIDENT MOTHERFUCKER, wish you were here for our OPEN THREAD!

[Manafort plea agreement]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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If it's a day, the New York Times is fucking shit up, but today, it fucked up BIGLY.

Fresh-faced access journalists Adam Goldman and Michael Schmidt have just published what we can only describe as a drive-by shooting against Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, which reads as some bullshit planted by the White House to give Donald Trump the pretext for his Saturday Night Massacre, if he wants it. (He does.)

Maybe the White House is tired of talking about the flailing nomination of Judge Maybe Rapey and how Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen are cooperating with special counsel Robert Mueller, and the New York Times was more than happy to help!

Or maybe it was planted by former deputy director of the FBI Andrew McCabe, who was fired by Attorney General Jeff Sessions just hours before his pension was set to kick in, and may have a serious axe to grind with DoJ officials and leaked a copy of his own memos. (His lawyer says that's not true, but he would say that, wouldn't he?)

Or maybe it's both, somehow! Or one of many other things!

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It's not every day Golf Digest gets noticed as a source of hard-hitting investigative journalism, at least outside of reviews of titanium carbon fiber nanotech infinite improbability drivers or some such. But Wednesday, some journamalisming that started with a Golf Digest story about a guy who drew fantastic imaginary golf courses concluded with that guy, Valentino Dixon, walking out of Attica prison, 27 years after he'd been sentenced for 39 years to life. Not bad, Golf Digest. We give you a GOLF CLAP. And a Pulitzer if we had one, which, sadly, we don't.

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Dixon had a prior conviction for selling cocaine, and he made a convenient target for Erie County prosecutor Chris Belling, who was weirdly determined to ignore even statements from the actual killer, LaMarr Scott, who pleaded guilty to the killing shortly before Dixon's release this week.

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