Oh golly gee willikers! If you are like everybody on the internet right now, you are having palpitations over what it means that Paul Manafort has pleaded guilty and agreed to cooperate with the government. Yes, the man Donald Trump once called VERY HONORABLE because he had so far failed to flip (because flippers should be illegal!) has done the unthinkable and flipped.

This. Is. YOOGE.

The full plea agreement has now been released, so we wanted to augment Donald Trump's sadness by noting that it spells out that cooperating means cooperating. Robert Mueller isn't going to look at Manafort and say, "Tell us about all the times Donald Trump Jr. has wet himself in your presence because he's such a Diaper Don," and be satisfied in the knowledge that Manafort has (ALLEGEDLY!) just told you 10,000 of Donald Trump Jr.'s most embarrassing moments. Cooperating means cooperating.

Lawyers on the internet and on the TV have been making this clear today. Even Alan Dershowitz said on TV that this is very bad for Trump and that a pardon is basically off the table at this point, and Alan Dershowitz doesn't think anything is bad for Trump, because Alan Dershowitz looooooooooooves Trump. (NO HE DOES NOT! DO NOT SAY THAT, WONKETTE! ALAN DERSHOWITZ LIBEL! MCCARTHYISM!!!!11!!!!!GHAZI!!!!!)

In short, Robert Mueller got everything he wanted.

Let's read the plea agreement and rejoice in Robert Mueller's success and Donald Trump's pain! Here are the terms of Manafort's cooperation:

Allow Wonkette to unfairly and harmfully to the national discourse summarize what that says:

  • Paul Manafort gotta give the government whatever documents they ask for, and also do whatever Robert Mueller says, because Robert Mueller is his new Daddy.
  • Paul Manafort gotta testify wherever they tell him to, about whomever they tell him to. That includes the grand jury.
  • Paul Manafort BETTER NOT LIE.
  • Paul Manafort better understand that he's not getting sentenced until the government says he's done cooperating.

Oh yeah, and just below that section, the plea agreement states specifically that Manafort "waives any right to have counsel present" during any interviews with the FBI or government attorneys, so guess that joint defense agreement Rudy Giuliani's been bragging about just hurled itself off the top of Trump Tower. Moreover, Manafort specifically is disallowed from committing ANY MORE CRIMES, as if that needed to be said, oh wait, this is Paul Manafort, so it probably needed to be said.

We're not sure what exactly Manafort knows about Donald Trump and other members of the Trump campaign and other members of the Trump family, but we suspect it's a lot, for reasons we laid out in this post right here. And Manafort better tell the truth, because otherwise he won't get the sweet ass terms of his cooperation agreement. In other words, cooperation is cooperation and Paul Manafort has to do it goodly and bigly, as explained right here in the plea agreement:

And NO FUCKING PLEADING THE FIFTH. Because you done just forfeited the right to do that, Paul Manafort!

Oh, and one more thing. A lot of the things Manafort is admitting to today are things from his Virginia trial that made the jury very well-hung (again, that's just the correct legal term for a jury that can't decide); they're being dropped now as federal charges, but they could always be brought back in state court, which is entirely outside the president's pardon power.

So no funny business, assholes!

Anyway, this has just been a very nice Mueller Time Friday, hasn't it?

As for Donald Trump, all we can say is HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, PRESIDENT MOTHERFUCKER, wish you were here for our OPEN THREAD!

[Manafort plea agreement]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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