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Oh golly gee willikers! If you are like everybody on the internet right now, you are having palpitations over what it means that Paul Manafort has pleaded guilty and agreed to cooperate with the government. Yes, the man Donald Trump once called VERY HONORABLE because he had so far failed to flip (because flippers should be illegal!) has done the unthinkable and flipped.

This. Is. YOOGE.


The full plea agreement has now been released, so we wanted to augment Donald Trump's sadness by noting that it spells out that cooperating means cooperating. Robert Mueller isn't going to look at Manafort and say, "Tell us about all the times Donald Trump Jr. has wet himself in your presence because he's such a Diaper Don," and be satisfied in the knowledge that Manafort has (ALLEGEDLY!) just told you 10,000 of Donald Trump Jr.'s most embarrassing moments. Cooperating means cooperating.

Lawyers on the internet and on the TV have been making this clear today. Even Alan Dershowitz said on TV that this is very bad for Trump and that a pardon is basically off the table at this point, and Alan Dershowitz doesn't think anything is bad for Trump, because Alan Dershowitz looooooooooooves Trump. (NO HE DOES NOT! DO NOT SAY THAT, WONKETTE! ALAN DERSHOWITZ LIBEL! MCCARTHYISM!!!!11!!!!!GHAZI!!!!!)

In short, Robert Mueller got everything he wanted.

Let's read the plea agreement and rejoice in Robert Mueller's success and Donald Trump's pain! Here are the terms of Manafort's cooperation:

Allow Wonkette to unfairly and harmfully to the national discourse summarize what that says:

  • Paul Manafort gotta give the government whatever documents they ask for, and also do whatever Robert Mueller says, because Robert Mueller is his new Daddy.
  • Paul Manafort gotta testify wherever they tell him to, about whomever they tell him to. That includes the grand jury.
  • Paul Manafort BETTER NOT LIE.
  • Paul Manafort better understand that he's not getting sentenced until the government says he's done cooperating.
  • Paul Manafort gets ZERO NEW OSTRICH JACKETS FOR THE REST OF LIFE.

Oh yeah, and just below that section, the plea agreement states specifically that Manafort "waives any right to have counsel present" during any interviews with the FBI or government attorneys, so guess that joint defense agreement Rudy Giuliani's been bragging about just hurled itself off the top of Trump Tower. Moreover, Manafort specifically is disallowed from committing ANY MORE CRIMES, as if that needed to be said, oh wait, this is Paul Manafort, so it probably needed to be said.

We're not sure what exactly Manafort knows about Donald Trump and other members of the Trump campaign and other members of the Trump family, but we suspect it's a lot, for reasons we laid out in this post right here. And Manafort better tell the truth, because otherwise he won't get the sweet ass terms of his cooperation agreement. In other words, cooperation is cooperation and Paul Manafort has to do it goodly and bigly, as explained right here in the plea agreement:

And NO FUCKING PLEADING THE FIFTH. Because you done just forfeited the right to do that, Paul Manafort!

Oh, and one more thing. A lot of the things Manafort is admitting to today are things from his Virginia trial that made the jury very well-hung (again, that's just the correct legal term for a jury that can't decide); they're being dropped now as federal charges, but they could always be brought back in state court, which is entirely outside the president's pardon power.

So no funny business, assholes!

Anyway, this has just been a very nice Mueller Time Friday, hasn't it?

As for Donald Trump, all we can say is HAVE A NICE WEEKEND, PRESIDENT MOTHERFUCKER, wish you were here for our OPEN THREAD!

[Manafort plea agreement]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Congratulations to the Dear Leader on his flawless victory in court against the media dogs at the CNN cesspool of evil. Donald Trump is a champion of the people's right to civil discourse, and he will not hesitate to slap those who hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leadership. Take it from Ri Chun-hee Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Today the court made clear that there is no absolute First Amendment right to access the White House. In response to the court, we will temporarily reinstate the reporter's hard pass. We will also further develop rules and processes to ensure fair and orderly press conferences in the future. There must be decorum at the White House.

Leave aside for a moment the screaming irony of the Pussgrab Administration lecturing the press on decorum. Literally none of what the Huckster said here is true. Judge Timothy Kelly ordered the White House Press Office to reinstate Jim Acosta's hard pass immediately on Fifth Amendment grounds. He didn't reach the First Amendment issues of press access because he didn't have to.

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Donald Trump's Cabinet has experienced a recent flurry of resignations and to-the-curb kickings. Head childnapper in charge Kirstjen Nielsen is also on her way out, freeing me from ever again having to worry about spelling her name correctly. My recent stint on the Cindy Hyde-Smith beat helped me master "Mississippi" without blinking, but Nielsen always demanded a Google cut-and-paste. She wasn't worth it.

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is one of the few remaining OG members of the Russian doo-wop group Donald Trump & The Crony Capitalists. She is also the still-reigning, undefeated title holder for absolute worst Cabinet official. DeVos manages to combine incompetence with evil in equal measures of cheap booze.

Today offers some more annoying DeVos news. Remember almost two years ago when some protestors heckled DeVos at a middle school in DC just a week after the Senate narrowly confirmed her? She whined to the Justice Department and somehow was granted a security detail that will cost taxpayers $19.8 million through September of 2019. That's almost half the cost of one of her yachts. Yes, yachts; she has 10. She also got a few extra billion for the pile in September when her father-in-law went off to that great tax dodge in the sky. Look, I don't want anyone to hurt the lady, but maybe she can pay for her own damn security like a 1990s hip-hop star. Maxine Waters has bombs mailed to her, and I think the New Black Panthers are guarding the sister for free.

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