Kim Davis, this coming Friday.

And lo it shall come to pass that on Thursday, the third of the month of September, that Kim Davis, clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky, will be taken before the high priest, and all the chief priests, the elders and the teachers of Kentucky and U.S. American law. The chief priests and the whole Sanhedrin will seek evidence against Davis so that they may put her to death, but they will not find any, because the United States doesn't put people to death for being a dirty adulteress (SUCH DIRTY, SO ADULTERESS, KEEP READING). Instead they'll probably just find her in contempt of court for refusing to do her job for Bigot Reasons.

Some will stand up and say, "We heard her say, 'I just really believe I don't have to do my job, because Jesus says, and also I really do believe I'll go to hell for filling out paperwork,'" and they will be correct, for she did basically goddamn say that, in a new statement. And you thought Wonkette was kidding when we said that the other day, pffffffft.

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Then the high priest will ask her, "Are you the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?"

And she will say, "Naw, I'm Kim!"

The high priest will ask, "Kim, why the fuck are you bothering us?" She will again explain how Jesus said gay marriages are just the worst, due to how in HER Bible it says that dirty adulteresses get to cast the first stone. Because, see, she's been married FOUR TIMES, but check THIS out, two babby twins came out of her vagina just FIVE MONTHS after she got divorced from her first husband. Their baby daddy was her THIRD HUSBAND, what she had not married yet. So like she was fuckin' Husband Three while married to Husband One, then she married Husband Two, and get this, that poor fool ADOPTED the babbies she conceived in sin, and then later on they got divorced too, she married the babies' daddy, but guess that didn't work out because again, SHE'S ON HER FOURTH FUCKING MARRIAGE. Anyway, gays are bad.

The priests will condemn her, not as worthy of death, but as being a giant pain in their dicks. They will likely explain, once again, that she has a choice: DO YOUR FUCKING JOB, OR QUIT. But that will not be good enough, because the Liberty Counsel lawyers with the electric cattle prod in her Sincerely Held Religious Asshole will say it's not good enough. It will never be good enough, until they have created a True Martyr, at least in the eyes of their few remaining supporters.

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Very early the next morning, the chief priests, with the elders, the teachers of the law and the whole Sanhedrin, will bind her (no they won't), lead her away (nope) and hand her over to Pontius Pilate.

"Are you the king of the Jews?" Pilate will ask.

"I'm still Kim! My lawyers say I get to be a martyr for Jesus!" she will reply.

The chief priests will once again accuse Davis of many things, all of which are true, unlike the way it went down with the Christ.

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Again, Pilate will ask her, "Aren't you going to answer?"

But Kim will make no reply, and Pilate will be amazed.

Pilate will address the crowd, asking, "Do you want me to release to you Kim Davis, the clerk of Rowan County, Kentucky?" Some in the crowd will once again yell, "DO YOUR FUCKING JOB AND THIS WILL ALL BE OVER, LADY." Others will yell unintelligible fart words about "religious freedom" or whatever, because "others" don't understand basic civics.

"What shall I do, then, with the one you call Kim Davis, the dumbass adulteress?" Pilate will ask.

"Crucify her! Wait, scratch that. Put her in jail! Meh, not even that, we're not ASSHOLES, just make her pay a bunch of fines and get us a county clerk who will do her goddamned job, how about that?" the crowd will reply. "Not because she's a hypocritical slut, though, even though she totally is," the crowd will add, under their breaths.

"Why? What crime has she committed?" Pilate will ask.

"Oh just that thing about how you get to believe whatever you want in the United States, but if you're a public servant, you have to follow the law. You know, basic stuff mediocre 5th graders understand."

Wanting to satisfy the crowd, Pilate will have Kim Davis flogged, and hand her over for crucifixion. Except not really. Mostly she'll probably have to pay a lot of fines and legal fees (hopefully), she'll lose her job (eventually) and she'll live happily ever after, being a whore-grifter on the fundamentalist Christian whore-grifter wingnut welfare circuit, and she'll be able to buy all the ugly lady jumper dresses she wants with all her new fundamentalist Christian whore-grifter cash.

[Washington Post / JoeMyGod / Slate / Dan Savage / U.S. News & World Report]