Has Your Granny Been Censored By Facebook? President Trump Is Standing By!

Normal people do not lose their shit over a Facebook post that no one likes. We've all had it happen. Maybe your friends were watching Game of Thrones, maybe they all secretly hate you, maybe they're trying to tell you that paella with raisins is gross, Karen. Similarly, a not-crazy person notices that one of the thousands of people they follow isn't showing up in their Twitter feed and thinks, "Algorithms are stupid. I'll just click over and fave a couple of that guy's posts, and it should work itself out." The White House is not looking for those people.

If you are a paste-munching loon who thinks that @Jack and Zuck are OUT TO CENSOR YOU!!!1!! and steal your many hundreds of very real followers, then the White House invites you to step right this way and speak to the manager immediately!

Perhaps if consumers stopped treating Facebook like their living rooms and more like a bus station with an open sewer running through it, which it is, we'd all be better off. But that's an argument for another day. Leaving aside whether SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS, being private businesses, "should" have a civic mission, it's a bit surprising to see these small government conservatives trying to regulate companies like some kind of socialist, nanny state bureaucrat. That's a joke -- it's only surprising they have time to do it when they're so busy giving every woman in America a pelvic exam.

But on to the White House's Tech Bias Sharing Tool, where participants are cordially invited to supply name, age, phone number, email, and citizenship status without first being told who or what entity will have access to the information or how it will be stored. Luckily it's on Typeform, so it's probably (???) more secure than the free site you use to sign up to bring snacks for your kid's soccer practice. (Or not. Shit, hope my haha@gfys.biz account is safe!)

But now on to the important business! Tell Mr. Trump where on your social media account that mean liberal bad-touched you.

All of them!?!?! Wow, you must be very oppressed. Tell Donald Trump more!

Then there are several opportunities to tell Mr. Trump your tale of woe and include screenshots. They still haven't mentioned that once you click submit, the government will own your entire story about Twitter censoring your very important thread on the time Hillary tried to give you an anal probe for Satan, but Q fought her off using this one weird vegetable doctors beg you to throw out.

That's a no for me, dawg!

Still no privacy disclosure, although they've got that asterisk. First they want to be 1000 percent sure you're not a robot, though

So clever! Who would ever think to program a bot to answer "1776" to question 15? Those White House guys know tech bigly.

No wonder they figured out that @Jack is shadowbanning conservatives. Or maybe he's allowing his site to run rife with Nazis because he hasn't figured out how to write code to get rid of white nationalists without banning conservative politicians. Spoiler Alert: It's that one.

Anyway, now it's time to click the box giving the government the right to use your personal data any way it sees fit. Grandpa President will have quite the flip book ready next time @Jack and Zuck come for lunch. If Twitter and Facebook aren't shadowbanning conservatives, how do you explain five thousand pages of screaming lunatics whose Benghazi Uranium Pedophile posts are obviously being censored because DUH SCIENCE?

And how do you explain why no one on Twitter thinks Ted Cruz's jokes are funny, HUH?

Wait, you mean he was serious about that space pirate shit? That wasn't a joke?


For real, we're done. OPEN THREAD.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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