In the wake of this week's deadly stupidcoup, Republicans who gleefully incited a terrorist attack are SHOCKED JUST SHOCKED to find out there may be some consequences for their actions.

Last night, United States Senator and giant pile of mammoth dung in the shape of a human being Josh Hawley learned that there would be some relatively minor pushback for being an actual despot; Simon & Schuster canceled its contract to publish his book, The Tyranny of Big Tech, wherein Hawley planned to rant about social media companies being very mean to his fellow fascists.

Simon & Schuster released this statement:

Josh Hawley, sage voice of reason that he is, maturely took the small setback in stride, accepted responsibility for his actions, and lolololololjk, he followed Dear Leader's command and took to Twitter, where he shot right back with ... something excruciatingly dumb, even for him. And we're talking about Josh Hawley, here, so that's saying something.

Here, let us transcribe that at you:

This could not be more Orwellian. Simon & Schuster is canceling my contract because I was representing constituents, leading a debate on the Senate floor on voter integrity, which they have now decided to redefine as sedition. Let me be clear, this is not just a contract dispute. It's a direct assault on the First Amendment. Only approved speech can now be published. This is the Left looking to cancel everyone they don't approve of. I will fight this cancel culture with everything I have. We'll see you in court.

*GASP!* You mean a PUBLISHER has chosen to only publish certain works?! Who could ever have imagined such a thing?! It's almost like Simon & Schuster is a private company that's allowed to pick and choose what to publish in the manner it sees fit!

Josh Hawley just loves him some free-market capitalism ... until he is negatively affected in any way. Then it's woke fascism. Clearly. And something something First Amendment.

If he really believes a single word of this, he should ask Yale Law for his money back.


The First Amendment for dummies

The First Amendment doesn't entitle you to a book deal, Josh.

In fact — and let's make this abundantly clear — the First Amendment does not entitle anyone to a book deal.

Shocking but true.

The First Amendment, in fact, has absofuckinglutely NOTHING to do with Simon & Schuster, a private company, canceling someone's book deal. Weird, I know.

But let's take a look, just to make sure! Here is the First Amendment, in full:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Wow, unbelievably, the Founders really did forget to include a clause saying Josh Hawley shall be entitled to book deals so he can whine about Nazis getting banned from Twitter. I don't know how they managed to leave that one out.

The claim that "this is not just a contract dispute" and the addition of "We'll see you in court" at the end is also just *chef's kiss*. This is the very definition of a contract dispute, asshole.

Oh yeah, and like most post-Me Too contracts with major publishers, Hawley probably has a morality clause in his contract. I'm just going to go ahead and say that inciting a violent mob to stage a putsch and even after that voting in the US Senate to declare Donald Trump dictator counts as "moral turpitude."

You poopy twat.

Eat shit, Josh

I am really fucking sick of how everyone assumes that people — especially white men, who are very skilled at failing up — with fancy degrees and credentials are smart. Kayleigh McEnany has a degree from Harvard Law. Ted Cruz has a degree from Harvard Law and clerked for Chief Justice WIlliam Rehnquist. Josh Hawley has a degree from Yale Law, which fancies itself even more prestigious than Harvard, and clerked for Chief Justice John Roberts.

I'm sorry, I don't care how many honorifics they have, these motherfuckers are no geniuses. But even Josh fucking Hawley, somewhere deep inside that thick skull of his, probably knows that losing his book deal has jack shit to do with the First Amendment.

Trump's cult members, however, don't know that. And tyrants like Hawley aren't about to let things like "facts" and "law" get in the way of a good grift. These psychopaths are his people! Who cares about things like "integrity" and "ethics" when there are tens of millions of brainwashed fools in our country to worship you and send you money?

The US Capitol was overtaken by an armed mob, the speaker of the House's office was trashed and robbed, people literally pissed and shat all over the Capitol building itself, the lives of members of Congress were in serious danger, and five people actually did lose their lives. And still, Josh Hawley supported the insurrection. Now, he can't accept that there may be even minor consequences for leading a failed coup.

Fuck you, Josh. I can't wait to read your complaint about how Simon & Schuster was VERY MEAN and FIRST AMENDMENT! I'm sure it will be just as coherent as the Trump election lawsuits you supported. Maybe you can even get Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani to represent you!

Oh, and as for Hawley's claim that getting his book deal canceled is "Orwellian"?

I hope Simon & Schuster makes him pay back his advance.

Follow Jamie on Twitter or something. She's mean there, too.

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

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Jamie Lynn Crofts
Jamie Lynn Crofts is sick of your bullshit. When she’s not wrangling cats, she’s probably writing about nerdy legal stuff, rocking out at karaoke, or tweeting about god knows what. Jamie would kindly like to remind everyone that it’s perfectly legal to tell Bob Murray to eat shit.
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