Help Dennis Kucinich Remain President Of Cleveland!
Democrat Dennis Kucinich recently abandoned his bid for the presidency in order to spend more time in hot threesomes with his nine-foot-tall English wife and a rotating coterie of Hollywood starlets. Understandably, the voters in his Cleveland congressional district are pissed. But will their jealous rage be enough to propel him out of office?
Enh, probably not! Kucinich faces four opponents in the primary, including a cheeky 37-year-old upstart named Joe Cimperman who once famously greeted Elizabeth Kucinich on her doorstep with a basket of meats. Like many Cleveland residents, Cimperman and company are all mad that Dennis ignored his fair home town in his quixotic quest to become the shortest, most idealistic president since Ron Paul. But just like voters in Paul's Texas congressional district are looking at the alternative and opting for more of the same, Clevelandites will probably do the same. Because the opposition vote will be split among four candidates, Dennis Kucinich will be able to extend his Reign of Peaceful Terror over Cleveland for at least two more years.