Here Are All The Best (Pee) Leaks About Trump Firing James Comey In An INSANE RAGE!

just about right

Now that Donald Trump's firing of James Comey has begun to settle, we're learning the actual truth about what led to that decision, as opposed to the mediocre lies the Trump White House has been telling, about how Comey committed "atrocities" as FBI director, and they HAD to fire him because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein decided ALL BY HIMSELF to write a BRILLIANT MEMO about how Comey was really mean to Hillary Clinton. This is 100 percent bullshit, according to the Washington Post, which tells us that, contra the White House's lie about the firing being Rosenstein's idea, the deputy attorney general actually threatened to quit because Trump was trying to pass the blame for this shit onto him.

The WaPo talked to THIRTY PEOPLE and sussed out a narrative that starts with Trump lying around at his golf course in New Jersey over this past weekend (which started on Thursday because Trump is lazy), possibly naked and gassy, and getting very angry about Comey's testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee last week. When Trump got to work on Monday, he reportedly ordered Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Rosenstein to make up some reasons why Comey should be #YoureFired, and as we all know, Comey was fired Tuesday afternoon. (Weird that Jeff Sessions is even part of this, since he is supposedly "recused" from things involving Trump-Russia investigations. Huh!)

Here, according to WaPo, are the reasons Trump's panties have been in such a twist about Comey:

Trump was angry that Comey would not support his baseless claim that President Barack Obama had his campaign offices wiretapped. Trump was frustrated when Comey revealed in Senate testimony the breadth of the counterintelligence investigation into Russia’s effort to sway the 2016 U.S. presidential election. And he fumed that Comey was giving too much attention to the Russia probe and not enough to investigating leaks to journalists.

Trump was SO MAD James Comey wouldn't lie for him or investigate the dingleberries Trump pulls out of his orange poo hole! Moreover, Comey insisted on investigating the Trump-Russia scandal, which is totally "fake news," according to Trump! Even worse, the New York Times reports that Comey's reaction to Trump's idiot belief that Barack Obama did "wire tapps" to him was that the president is "crazy." (We are not arguing with the former FBI director's assessment there!)

Reuters notes that Trump's feelings were hurt when Comey wouldn't give him a super special sneak preview of what he was going to say to the Senate last week (unfair!), and the NYT reports that Trump got even more upset in his heart when he saw that testimony, specifically the part where Comey said he was "mildly nauseous" at the thought that his handling of the Hillary email thing might have changed the outcome of the election. This is because Donald Trump is delusionally obsessed with how his election win was TREMENDOUS, and moreover, he likes to think he did it all by himself, which is incorrect. If Comey hadn't sent that letter about Hillary's emails, and if Russia hadn't given Trump a reach-around, Trump would almost certainly be a common loser non-president right now. Sad!

Of course, sad Mr. Trump was upset about other recent events, as well. We reported that just last week, Comey asked the Justice Department for more resources in the Trump-Russia investigation because, according to the Wall Street Journal, the investigation was about to get MUCH YOOGER. Meanwhile, mean Hillary-loving ogress Sally Yates testified Monday about the White House's lies about literal actual foreign agent/former national security adviser Michael Flynn. Also too, the Senate Intelligence Committee is demanding Trump team records from the Treasury Department's financial crimes unit and issuing subpoenas for documents related to Flynn. What a terrible week of people not following Dear Leader's orders!

(FYI, the Senate Intelligence Committee has also asked Comey to come and testify in private next Tuesday, and boy oh boy, what a gas it would be to be a fly on that wall!)

The WaPo reports that some of the mental giants who whispered in Trump's ear about firing Comey included fedora-wearing crazy man Roger Stone and rabid rage freak Rudy Giuliani, who is most likely a target in the FBI's Trump-Russia investigation. Trump only surrounds himself with the best people, after all.

The TV news is reporting today that Trump is thinking about going to visit the FBI to 'splain himself, but he probably shouldn't do that, because those career public servants are fucking pissed, and the WaPo notes that if Trump thinks he made the FBI Trump Russia investigation go away, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT A IDIOT:

Many employees said they were furious about the firing, saying the circumstances of his dismissal did more damage to the FBI’s independence than anything Comey did in his three-plus years in the job.

One intelligence official who works on Russian espionage matters said they were more determined than ever to pursue such cases. Another said Comey’s firing and the subsequent comments from the White House are attacks that won’t soon be forgotten. Trump had “essentially declared war on a lot of people at the FBI,” one official said. “I think there will be a concerted effort to respond over time in kind.”

"IN KIND." Oh my God, you do NOT go to war with the intelligence community or with career public servants, who are sworn to uphold the Constitution, and who love this country more than Donald Trump loves nekkid beauty pageant contestants.

Anyway, these are some really fun leaks, don't you think? And something tells us there are a whole lot more coming, so as Wonkette BFF Rachel Maddow likes to say, WATCH THIS SPACE.

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[Washington Post / New York Times / Wall Street Journal]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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