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President Obama addressed a pants-sharting nation Sunday night, reassuring the countryfolk that in the wake of the awful San Bernardino terrorist attack/mass shooting, he will beat up ISIS, and no, you do not have to panic.

And Republicans said, "You're right, Mr. President, how may we all come together to fight this threat?" HAHA JUST JOSHING.

Donald Trump has vowed to stop all Muslims from entering U.S. America, even if they are American Muslims, which means they are AMERICANS GODDAMMIT. The lowlier Republican presidential candidates are simply appalled at such extremism. So how are they, and their fellow wingnuts, planning to defeat ISIS better than Obama ever could? Let's Wonksplore!

We Could Give Terrorists More Guns, Because Freedom. Wait, What?

Ben Carson explained on Fox News Sunday that he is A Idiot with no foreign policy experience, and that "there's nobody running who has a great deal of international experience except Hillary Clinton." That's very true! Then he added:

Well, you know, California has some of the strictest gun control laws. And the semiautomatic weapons that were used were banned.

The guns were legally purchased in the United States, Doctor Brain Surgeon.

The magazines were banned. It was a gun-free zone. And yet it still happened. You know, we need to start looking and thinking about things that preserve the right of Americans, their Second Amendment rights, but then have a positive effect in terms of getting hands out, guns out of the hands of terrorists. And people who are mentally unstable.

So what about the people on the no-fly list?

Why should those people have their Second Amendment rights infringed upon because we have a system that doesn’t work properly?

Uh huh. And if a few people (every hour) die while Ben Carson is doing brain surgery on the no-fly list, no big.

Also not wanting to run the risk that some poor, put-upon Bubba might not be able to buy a penis gun for his sister-wife's birthday present, just 'cuz he accidentally got put on some quote unquote "list," is Marco Rubio, who knows terrorists don't buy guns at gun stores anyway. They probably order them from the ISIS Gun-Of-The-Month club:

[T]he no-fly list is populated with a substantial number of Americans that are nothing close to being terrorists. They're on that list by mistake because they share a name with someone else. And the notion that a radical jihadist who is on the no-fly list is going to walk into a local gun shop to purchase a gun is absurd.

SPOILER ALERT: "One or more" of the guns used in the San Bernardino attack was purchased at Turner's Outdoorsman, which, according to its website, has been "Southern California's Fishing, Hunting & Shooting Headquarters Since 1971." But pffffft, it's not like terrorists would ever end up with guns from there, wait yes they did, shut up, Marco Rubio.

John Kasich, clever lil' turtle that he is, says he might be OK with banning guns for people on the no-fly list, but not the terror watch list, because he doesn't want to "tip them off" to how they're being watched:

If there is a practical way to limit it, yes, but I think we also have to weigh it off against our ability to surveil. This is something that has to be considered from many different sides so we don't make a big mistake again.

Let's just be REALLY careful, he says. But maybe it would be OK? But then you'd murder people's Second Amendment rights :( But maybe? Stuff and things is hard, and John Kasich does not know what the fuck he is saying, is the point.

We Could Bomb ISIS So Hard, Man, It'll Glow In The Dark! Badass, Right?

Yes, Ted Cruz is swinging his weensy Canadian dick-like appendage around about how he's going to bomb the fuck out of ISIS so hard, man:

We will carpet bomb them into oblivion. I don’t know if sand can glow in the dark, but we’re going to find out.

It's like that thing Donald Trump said about bombing the shit out of ISIS, but gayer.

We Could Give White U.S. American College Kids Some Guns!

Remember Jerry Falwell, Jr., president of Liberty "University," with his sexxxy idea to give guns to the college kids, so they can "end those Muslims"? Here, gross yourself out again reading about getting teased with Falwell's gun:

“I’ve always thought that if more good people had concealed-carry permits, then we could end those Muslims before they walked in and killed them,” he said during the school’s convocation, before teasing the students about his own gun.

That'll fix it. Just end all the Muslims, because they are obviously all terrorists. Of course, Bristol Palin saw a flaw in that logic because SHUT UP, she does too have a brain, you mean fucking Heathers. She says Falwell should not have said "Muslims," but rather "terrorists," because not ALL Muslims are terrorists, just like not like not ALL unmarried sperms that go whitewater rafting through her adventure hole get her pregnant. But some Muslims are, and some sperms do. #NotAllMuslims #NotAllSperms #QED

We Could Ban Abortion!

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Alveda King, who makes her dearly departed uncle Martin Luther King, Jr. roll over in his grave with such velocity it causes minor earthquakes, would like to say a thing about abortion now. Alveda King would always like to say a thing about abortion. Did you know Planned Parenthood is doing genocide to black people, and that America is controlled by a racist pervert sex dragon thing, because of abortion? It's true. Alveda has made love to that three-headed pervert dragon, and it was bangin'.

Anyway, "connect the dots" between terrorism and 'bortion, 'Veda:

Terrorism, be it in the womb, from distant shores, behind the domestic walls of our homes, or wherever it occurs, terrorism by any other name is still the same.

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Well done, Alveda. Oh, she wrote a whole column but shut up, you do not want to read it. Terrorism is caused by abortion just like the Charleston murders happened because abortion, and your mom happened because abortion and "Arrested Development" got canceled because abortion, The End.

We Could Go Kill All The Muslims In France!

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And for the end of this conga line of vengeance porn, the cherry on top of the idiot-ass sundae, let's say bon voyage to the boobs and the brain of Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, as she covers her nakedness area with body armor, grabs all her best guns (hey know who ELSE did those things recently?) and travels to Paris, for the purpose of murdering the FUCK out of anybody who looks at her in a Muslim way:

I’m about to fly to Paris and shoot ’em in the head myself! I am not OK with Syrian refugees. I am not OK with terrorists. You know, I’m OK with putting them down. Blacken them out. Just put a piece of brass in their nocular [sic] cavity and end their miserable life. I’m good with that.

No Muslims' "noculars" will stand a chance around Michele Fiore! Hey, maybe SHE should be on the no-fly list, possibly maybe? Don't worry, she'll still be able to buy her precious boob guns, because that is a thing that is OK in America.

Hooray for Republicans, you are all fucking bonkers.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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