UH OH, it is British TV O' Clock again! After the last Cambridge Analytica report from Channel 4 in the UK was released on Monday, it led to bloodshed and mayhem and a whole lotta people in Congress saying "WHOA HEY WHOA HEY," even Republicans! And all the while, we knew that, come suppertime in England, we'd have a new installment of Channel 4's sex-clusive investigation, and oh boy, here it is!

But first, breaking news:

Oh bollocks, how do you say "sad trombone" in British? Is it "WHOMP WHOMP WHOMP AND ALL THAT ROT"? Wonkette's sources say it definitely is.

We don't know if Nix was suspended just for saying he likes to use Ukrainian hookers and bribes to ratfuck candidates (which Cambridge Analytica said he ONLY SAID to make sure the fake Sri Lankans interviewing him didn't want to do naughty things like that) or it's stuff from this newest video that just dropped. (Or both!)

Let's look at the new video, which focuses on CA's activities for the Trump campaign, and see what it do:

First of all, you should know that Alexander Nix takes all the credit for Donald Trump's disgusting campaign and undemocratic "win." ALL OF IT.

We did all the research, all the data, all the analytics, all the targeting, we ran all the digital campaign, the television campaign, and our data informed all the strategy.

And Alex Tayler and Mark Turnbull of Cambridge Analytica got even deeper into explaining how that idiot Donald Trump couldn't have won without CA's voodoo:

TAYLER: When you think about the fact that Donald Trump lost the popular vote by three million votes, but won the Electoral College, that's down to the data and the research.

TURNBULL: He won by 40,000 votes in three states. The margins were tiny.

The Channel 4 narrator explains that, when the Trump campaign hired Cambridge Analytica, the campaign was completely fucked. It was the billionaire Mercers, who funded CA's American project, who said "you have to hire our company, and you have to hire our guy Steve Bannon, whose gin-soaked ass is literally on the board of our dungeon of internet ratfucking." So Trump followed orders, because at heart, he is such a beta cuck.

And they did it for him! And Russia did it for him! Maybe CA and Russia worked together on some stuff! Waiting for Trump's tweet saying the company his campaign hired to ratfuck the election is a Democrat hoax made up by Democrats to explain why they lost an election they should have won in 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ...

The CA guys went on to explain how they did the dirty work for Trump, creating Crooked Hillary ads that ran outside the confines of the campaign:

TURNBULL: The brand was "Defeat Crooked Hillary." You'll remember this, of course. [Wait, Donald Trump didn't make up that nickname ALL BY HISSELF? - Ed.] "Crooked Hillary." And the ... "OO" of "crooked" were a pair of hand-cuffs. And it was all about, she belongs behind bars. [LOCK HER UP! - Ed.] And then we made ... hundreds of kinds of creative, and we put it online.

They just stuck 'em online. And they brag that 30 million people watched their videos, YAY! Because of America's fucked up system, where outside groups can push these things without being part of the campaign technically, CA laundered this stuff through a super PAC called Make America Number 1, which was controlled by ... wait for it ... The Mercers!

Now, this could still be a problem, because even though technically this wasn't part of the campaign, Cambridge Analytica WAS working for the campaign technically, because Trump was technically paying Cambridge Analytica millions of dollars, technically. Wonder if there are any violations of election law here, like the law that says campaigns and super PACs aren't allowed to conspire! (For the record, CA says it was real good and legal about all that, to which we reply WE BET.)

Of course, it's no matter whether they broke a million laws or not, because Mark Turnbull knows who covers its tracks really well, and it is Cambridge Analytica:

Sometimes you can use proxy organizations who are already there. You feed them. They are civil society organizations. Charities or activist groups, and we use them – feed them the material and they do the work. We just put information into the bloodstream of the internet and then watch it grow, give it a little push every now and again over time to watch it take shape. And so this stuff infiltrates the online community and expands but with no branding – so it’s unattributable, untrackable.

God ... that sounds like ... Russian bots. Wonder if Cambridge Analytica is BFFs with any Russian bots! Bet they at least get Christmas cards! (From Russian bots.)

Back during the late days of the campaign, a senior Trump campaign idiot bragged about how they had a special voter suppression campaign, to make people who hated Donald Trump at least stay at home instead of voting for Hillary Clinton. Turns out Cambridge Analytica had ads for that, too! Here's a still from one of those ads:

We are just saying, LOTS of people got Cambridge Analytica-ed during the 2016 election, and LOTS of people should be pissed.

Channel 4 interviewed Hillary Clinton for this video, and she said she is curious, just like we are, how the Russians got sooooooo good at targeting just the right places in America in their social media suppression campaign. How they know that stuff? Could it be ...

Or was it just Cambridge Analytica?

As the report nears a close, Channel 4 notes that special counsel Robert Mueller has asked Cambridge Analytica for all its emails and communications during the Trump campaign, and now-suspended CEO Alexander Nix is caught on camera saying FUCK THAT:

I'm absolutely convinced that they have no jurisdiction. [If asked about their work for the Trump campaign] we'll say "none of your business."

And besides, Nix explains they ain't got no records, because they use ProtonMail, which destroys emails after two hours anyway, and for that reason, "there's no evidence, there's no paper trail, nothing." In other words, LONG HAIR DON'T CARE.

Nix cackled like an evil genius, noting that his interview before the House Intelligence Committee was a total joke. (We'll rate that as FACTCHECK PROBABLY TRUE.) He says the Republicans didn't care, the Democrats didn't understand, and besides, Donald Trump wasn't actually pulling any strings in his own campaign, he was just Cambridge Analytica's puppet.

Which is funny, because Hillary Clinton said Trump was a puppet during that one debate, but Trump responded "NO PUPPET NO PUPPET YOU'RE THE PUPPET," and besides Hillary was talking about Trump being Russia's puppet and he is definitely not that either, heck no, you betcha ... oh wait, Trump talked to Vladimir Putin today and congratulated him on his very real Russian election victory this week? Guess he's still Russia's puppet too.

You heard it here first: Donald Trump is such a puppet he can take TWO HANDS UP HIS ASS AT ONE TIME.

And on that note, this is your open thread.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries and servers are fully paid for by YOU! Please pay our salaries.

[Channel 4]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate with CC

Remember "The West Wing"? Aaron Sorkin put a lot of effort into depicting Republicans -- okay, probably just Alan Alda -- as serious-minded, ethical mammals who just had a difference of opinion with the Democratic protagonists. It turns out "The West Wing" was as realistic as "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." That's because too many Republicans are like Mike Lee. The Utah Senator more closely resembles a character from a bad USA comedy series.

Republicans are holding a procedural vote today on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's Green New Deal. Lee took to the Senate floor to tell us how terrible it is. He could have done this with facts and data. Instead, he went with Ronald Reagan and a velociraptor.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

Presidential candidate Kamala Harris has a radical idea: We should pay schoolteachers as if they'd actually attended school themselves. The California senator today announced details of her proposal to increase teacher salaries across the country. She'd first discussed the plan at a campaign event this weekend at Texas Southern University.

HARRIS: I am declaring to you that by the end of my first term, we will have improved teacher salaries so that we close the pay gap, because right now teachers are making over 10 percent less than other college-educated graduates.

The plan would raise average teacher pay by $13,500. That should permit them to quit at least one of their other part-time jobs. The federal government would pitch in the first 10 percent of required funding. States would have access to $3 in matching federal support for every dollar of additional state money until the pay gap is closed with other college-educated workers. In our home state of South Carolina, the average teacher would get a $9,300 raise, which is a 19 percent pay increase.

Harris elaborated further in an op-ed published in today's Washington Post.

HARRIS: The United States is facing a teacher pay crisis. Public school teachers earn 11 percent less than professionals with similar educations. Teachers are more likely than non-teachers to work a second job. In 30 states, average teacher pay is less than the living wage for a family of four.
Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc