WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY did Donald Trump decide he had to do a press conference yesterday, besides how he is needy and stupid and dumbstupidsadneedy? All of a sudden yesterday afternoon, we saw every journalist on the internet start saying there would be a presser at 5:15, wait no it's at 5:45 now, just kidding it's at midnight, just kidding it's at 5:00 — point is, with that many schedule changes, you just knew it was going to be worth all our time.

You knew wrong. It was not worth your time.


Here are a few highlights, because fuck it, we are over covering every word of these goddamned sad liefests every single day.

This should set the tone for you. Here is the President of the United States patting himself on the back for his coronavirus response, saying that "if you take the blue states out, we're at a level that I don't think anybody in the world would be at." Yes, if you take out where the people live, then we've just done really well with coronavirus. Because he doesn't see himself as the president of the blue states. He is just the President of the Confederate Red States of America.

Here's the part where he said CDC Director Robert Redfield was "confused" when he told the Senate a vaccine wouldn't actually be widely available in November like Trump keeps bragging, but rather more like next summer. Oh boy, hate it how that guy is always "confused." Listen to Trump. He knows when the medical vaccine to cure coronavirus will be ready. And if it's not, maybe President Tiny Paws will put some bleach in a syringe and call it "vaccine."

Trump also said Redfield "misunderstood the questions" senators asked him about mask-wearing. (Thank goodness he has President Brain Damage Test to clear things up for him!) Specifically, Trump said he called Redfield and asked him, "What's with the masks?" Redfield had told the Senate that "face masks are the most important, powerful public health tool we have," and begged Americans to wear them. He said if Americans would just wear the fucking things consistently for six to 12 weeks, we could "bring this pandemic under control."

ACCORDING TO THE LIAR-IN-CHIEF, Robert Redfield told him on the phone, "I think I answered that question incorrectly." Trump offered that maybe Redfield just misunderstood ALL the questions the Senate asked him.

Here is the full Redfield quote, so you can see how "confused" he was about the efficacy of masks:

"I might even go so far as to say that this face mask is more guaranteed to protect me against Covid than when I take a Covid vaccine, because the immunogenicity may be 70%. And if I don't get an immune response, the vaccine is not going to protect me. This face mask will," Redfield told lawmakers during public testimony, adding that the American public has not yet embraced the use of masks to a level that could effectively control the outbreak.

Trump says Redfield would also tell you he "didn't understand the question," because of how he is such an idiot, we guess.

The truth is that Trump is just really fucking mad that the CDC director is pissing all over the Hail Mary he wants to throw to save his re-election, which is magically delivering a beautiful vaccine a couple days before November 3.

And of course, because in this administration bowing to Dear Leader is more important than keeping people from dying, Redfield later walked back his comments about masks and blew some smoke up Trump's ass about vaccines. Of course.

Here is Trump saying NOTHING will interfere with the vote, except for how we have a big problem and it is called "ballots." He added that he means "governors from opposing parties controlling millions of ballots" are the biggest problem we have. Because "opposing parties" are not Americans to him, and because he's so fucking stupid he thinks somehow the governors are administering the elections personally. Trump added that "much of the stuff about foreign countries" — i.e. the Russian attack that installed him as president — "turned out be untrue." Not according to the GOP-led Senate Intelligence Committee.

Here is Trump saying that if people protest violently on election night — like if Trump declares victory even though the votes aren't counted and tries to mount a fascist take over — then he will "put it down very, very quickly," adding that "the American public wants to see that."

"There will be nothing that interferes with this project," Trump said, perhaps accidentally referring to his secret project to seize power, before correcting himself and saying nothing will interfere with the vote.

Hey, did y'all hear Trump's pig-faced Attorney General Bill Barr is telling prosecutors to charge American protesters with sedition? (And so much more!)

And here is Trump saying he read Bob Woodward's book "last night," and that he read it "very rapidly, because it was very boring." You know how page-turners work. You read them very slowly if they are exciting. If they are very boring, it goes super-fast!

This is definitely a guy who has read a book before at least once in his life.

As almost every journalist who pays attention to these things points out, the day before yesterday, Trump also said he had read the Woodward book "last night." We guess he reads it every night, very rapidly, because it's very boring!

That's enough videos. We are sure there will be more videos next time that fuckhead opens his trap.

Forty-seven days, everyone.

[CNN / videos via Aaron Rupar / The American Independent]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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