Here Is Your Coup After Dark Liveblog! Or, Hopefully, The Opposite Of That

2020 presidential election
mike pence smh GIF by Election 2016

Hi, we needed a new liveblog, because this old platform just can't handle the truth, or long breaking news days.

We'd add Trump's tweet reactions to it, but LOL Trump can't tweet.


Here's live feed of the senate:

WATCH LIVE: Senate Republicans continue challenge to Electoral College votes after count resumes www.youtube.com

And here's the House feed:

WATCH LIVE: House Republicans continue challenge to Electoral College votes after count resumes www.youtube.com


8:30: We're back. Cortez-Masto is still reminding her "states' rights" colleagues that state courts have already ruled that these elections were done in accordance with state law.

8:35: Mike Lee (R-Utah): I was gonna say different stuff but that was before my colleagues and Donald Trump incited coup murders, so ...

No, to be totally fair, Lee is telling his GOP colleagues to shut up, because the electoral college is a sweet gig for the GOP, and he doesn't intend to break it, thankyouverymuch.

"Our job is to convene, to open the ballots, and to count them. That's it."

8:38: Mike Bennett (D-Colorado): The US will fall like Rome if we allow armed gangs to rampage against elections. Democracy is fragile, and you don't dangle it out the window like Michael Jackson showing off his baby as a publicity stunt. Quit dangling democracy out the fucking window, you psychopaths! (Slight paraphrase.)

8:40: Kelly Loeffler, who sounds like hell: She was planning to object, but now this whole coup thing has upset her.

GIRL, BYE! You shit on Brian Kemp and Brad Raffensperger because you thought it would help you win an election. Bed: made. Lie in it.

8:45: Tim Kaine: I am a very decent, boring guy. Let me say decent, boring stuff.

Also, too, Maggie Haberman says that Trump is the one who blocked the National Guard coming in to put a stop to the insurrection. Makes sense, he was probably tired and cranky after his busy morning fomenting insurrection.

8:49: Cory Booker: Your Mango Mussolini brought this upon us all. You demagogue-diddling lunatics MADE THIS.

He's giving MAJOR side eye to Josh Hawley for trying to fundraise during the attack.

And apparently the cabinet is talking about the 25th Amendment. I just bet.

8:55: Ben Sasse: Let me give you a history lesson, because I love to hear the sound of my own voice. And please, let me remind you, that I got off the Trump train one stop before everyone else. Anyway, America is still better than everyone else and we must all go on pretending that this godawful bloodshed doesn't signify a real problem in this country. Here's some pablum about the heartland.

"This is not who we are."

I really, really hate Ben Sasse.

9:00: Dick Durbin: Blahblah Lincoln, blahblah majesty of the Senate, blahblah special, sacred place.

"This sacred place was desecrated by a mob today on our watch."

"Did this mob spring spontaneously from America? No. This mob was invited on this day, by this president."

Oooh, Dick Durbin is talking about Trump's perfect, perfect call with the Secretary of State from Georgia. Get 'em, Dick! And don't forget to name check "the senator from Texas." Ted Cruz knows damn well that the Supreme Court laughed Donald Trump's bullshit legal claims out of court. And the commission Cruz is harkening back to killed Reconstruction and set the stage for widespread voter suppression.

Good speech!

9:05: Roger Marshall (R-Kansas): I know about this country because I was an OBGYN, and I have carefully examined and diagnosed the problems in our republic's pink bits.

Then he made up a bunch of shit about governors usurping state legislatures' powers to justify this BS "commission" to recommend voting changes. This does not explain his objection to Biden's win.

9:10: Tammy Duckworth: Listen you unpatriotic pieces of shit, I lost my legs in Iraq in a war I didn't support, for a president I loathed. And you people are going to crap on the constitution as a political stunt for a "petty, wannabe tinpot dictator on the precipice of losing power?"

9:12: Oh, they're considering resigning. FUCK OFF.

9:13: Rand Paul: States' rights, you dumb fucks! You arrogant little shits are going to blow up the electoral college, and then we'll never get elected again. WTF is wrong with you, Josh? And Ted, you know better, you dumb sumbitch. (Slight paraphrase.)

Oh, someone actually did resign. Slow clap.

9:15: Mark Warner: Great job, assholes! You called these thugs here, and now we're on the front page of every newspaper in the world. Aid and comfort to the enemy! You wanted to stress test American democracy, well you bloody well did it.

9:20: FUCKIN' JOSH HAWLEY, that little prick has a lot of nerve: Violence is bad! People who attack cops are bad! But I am good, because I am shitting on democracy lawfully. I am a true patriot, and now I will tell you pack of fucking lies about Pennsylvania's
"election integrity."

Josh Hawley is really mad that Pennsylvania allows for mail-in balloting, and he now says that "this is the appropriate forum" for a senator from Missouri to address concerns with Pennsylvania's election procedures. He's not mentioning that the GOP legislature passed mail-in balloting overwhelmingly.

Anyway, this guy is NEVER going to be president.

9:25: Bob Casey from PENNSYLVANIA calling Josh Hawley a liar, pointing out that the law enabling no-excuse mail-in balloting was passed by the GOP in 2019. No one called it unconstitutional before 2020 when it was clear Trump was going to lose. And challenging the electors as illegal or fraudulent is an anti-democratic temper tantrum and an attack on public servants, it's not a challenge to election laws.

No lies detected!

9:30: Mitt Romney is piiiiiiiiiised at Hawley.

"We gather due to a selfish man's injured pride ... what happened here today was an insurrection supported by the President of the United states."

He says that the people who supported this FUCKING BULLSHIT COUP will be remembered for it FOREVER, praises Braun and Loeffler and the others who tabled their bullshit after the attack.

Reading this statement, which shades Cruz and Hawley hard.


9:35: Skipping over to the House, Dem Rep Greg Stanton is shitting all over the claim that there was something hinky with Arizona's vote count. Arizona courts, state officials, federal courts — almost all Republicans — said the numbers were right.

LOL, he's razzing on AZ Gov. Doug Ducey's pathetic servility, "he even has a Hail to the Chief ringtone" for Trump.

9:40: Oh, gross, it's Elise Stefanik, back to pretend she actually believes this toxic shit about "judges ignoring election laws." She's going to tell some lies about other states gutting signature matching and exclusion of Republicans from vote counts, dressing up her filthy attempt to overturn the election as a holy obligation to ensure that other states pass good election laws.

"The people's sacred house is the appropriate venue for peaceful debate."

Such a liar. She makes me say words I don't usually say, because I'm a fuckin' lady.

9:45: Texas Republican Rep. Chip Roy: Democrats are evil transgender abortion-loving socialists, but we should probably not tell other states how to run elections. Don't tread on me! And, BTW, fuck off with this nonsense about the congressional elections being legit, but the presidential ones are fraudulent, MARJORIE!

9:47: More 25th Amendment news.

9:48: Mr Popular

9:50: Mo Brooks, that knuckledragging bigot from Alabama is going ahead with his own pre-drafted speech accusing Democrats of allowing hordes of undocumented immigrants to vote. Remember that sketch with Will Farrell on SNL when there was that dude who couldn't modulate the volume of his voice? That's Mo Brooks, shouting that "the sixty percent Biden advantage times that illegal alien numbers means Joe Biden gained 1.6 million illegal alien votes."

This is some CRAY SHIT.

Weekend Update: Jacob Silj on American Relations with China - SNL www.youtube.com

9:55: NY GOP Rep. Thomas Reed is SHOOK. Says Americans transfer power peacefully, this objection to the Biden electors is a disgrace.

9:58: Meanwhile over in the senate, Lindsey Graham has suddenly realized that disenfranchising 150 million people is BAD. He's laughing at the foolishness of anyone who would suggest that Mike Pence could reject electors. The very thought! Who would even say something so stupid?

Yeah, it's a big fuckin' mystery. Maybe ask that orange POS you spend so much time golfing with?

10:00: Oooh, they're voting in the Senate, and the clerk has a deeeeelightful Maryland accent. You know she goes down-ee-oh-shun for vacation!

Meanwhile over in the House, that shondah Lee Zeldin is rehashing the Russian investigation, because somehow that makes trying to overturn an election okay.

10:04: Rep. Ruben Gallego, Dem from AZ is exhorting his colleagues to save their souls. "That man will leave. Your soul will stay with you for the rest of your life."

"The idea that we would rig an election for the president but not preserve seats for our friends we lost last cycle is ABSURD."

"You are better than this," he begs. Which is noble, but they ARE NOT BETTER.

10:08: Rep. Dan Bishop (R-NC) is trying to jujitsu this into an attack on the good people of America who think this election was stolen. And now he's attacking Marc Elias as mastermind of a Democratic plot, a "chaos strategy" aimed at "displacing legislative control." Which is rich coming from the side who is currently plastering every court in the land with gobbledygook lawsuits.

"This was a political operation masquerading as a legal one."

This is some fucking chutzpah to pretend that judges fundamentally altered the rules of elections this cycle.

10:12: Well, I have bad news and good news. The good news is that the objection went down in flames in the Senate, 6-93.

The bad news is that the the real action is over in the House now, so I have to watch those illiterate shitstains blabber for another hour.

10:18 Another Democratic Rep from Arizona, Tom O'Halleran, is up now defending his state's perfectly good electoral systems.

"For the good of country, this must stop!"

10:20 OH, GOD, IT'S MATT FUCKING GAETZ! That useless dickhead is now invoking Rep. Raskin's son's death — shameless.

Now Matt Gaetz is attacking BLM which is "violent," unlike sainted Donald Trump, who called for peace.

"People get angry" when they get called seditious. Or when people say that they're lawyers who know goddamn well that they shouldn't put their names on bullshit legal briefs.

OMFG, he just said that the Washington Times has used facial recognition to determine that some of the insurrectionists were Antifa masquerading as right wingers. And now he's likening "states who do not run clean elections" to Russian Olympic dopers and accusing Democrats of running a massive, nationwide conspiracy.

10:27: LOLOL, funny story from The Dispatch about Rudy "Superlawyer" Giuliani leaving a message for Senatory Tommy Tuberville, that dipshit from Alabama who just took over for Doug Jones.

At approximately 7 p.m., Giuliani called newly sworn-in Alabama Sen. Tommy Tuberville, a staunch Trump ally, imploring him to stall the process. "I want to discuss with you how they're trying to rush this hearing and how we need you, our Republican friends, to try to just slow it down so we can get these legislatures to get more information to you," Giuliani said in a voicemail. "And I know they're reconvening at 8 tonight, but it ... the only strategy we can follow is to object to numerous states and raise issues so that we get ourselves into tomorrow—ideally until the end of tomorrow. I know McConnell is doing everything he can to rush it, which is kind of a kick in the head because it's one thing to oppose us, it's another thing not to give us a fair opportunity to contest it."

Only, Tech Guru Rudy left the message on the voicemail of ANOTHER senator, who promptly leaked it.

10:30: House is voting electronically on the resolution, which just went down in flames in a voice vote.

While we wait, here's some juicy gossip from Vanity Fair about White House Counsel Pat Cipollone telling all Trump's pals to stay away from him lest they wind up in the hoosegow with President Crime Spree, who is hell bent on criming his way through the inauguration.

The West Wing staffer told the friend that White House Counsel Pat Cipollone was urging White House officials not to speak to Trump or enable his coup attempt in any way, so they could reduce the chance they could be prosecuted for treason under the Sedition Act. "They're being told to stay away from Trump," the friend said. The White House declined to comment.

Cipollone's purported concern that Trump was committing treason––a federal crime––illustrates the chaos and fear of Wednesday's unprecedented events.

10:35: Oh, shit, missed Marco Rubio's speech. Let's just assume that he yanked his own crank sanctimoniously while quoting bible verses. On the plus side, after today, Little Marco's chances when he inevitably gets primaried by Princess Ivanka improved markedly.

10:40: Cry harder, bitch.

10:40: And who were those six treasonous shitbag senators who voted to sustain the objection to the Arizona electors?

Josh Hawley

TedCruz

John (not that) Kennedy

Tommy Tuberville

Cyndi Hyde-Smith

Roger Marshall

Names that shall live in infamy.

10:45: Time to vote has expired in the House, but some votes are still trickling in. Here's the tally so far — at least 81 disgusting Republicans shitting on democracy for political gain.

10:48: Holy Moses, look at what those bastards did.

10:50 Kevin McCarthy is talking, prepare to get dumber. But he's praising the members who took care of their colleagues this afternoon, which is good.

And now back to our usually scheduled programming: McCarthy is trying to align himself with decent people, excoriating those bad guys who saying mean stuff on social media. #BEBEST

Like we didn't all just live through four years of Republicans telling scurrilous lies about Democrats and screaming that we're communists trying to register undocumented voters to steal elections and turn this country into Venezuela. FUCK RIGHT OFF.

10:55: McCarthy is giving a lecture on listening respectfully and showing understanding. Somehow lightning did not strike him down on the spot.

10:58: And here's the running treason tally in the House. These people are FILTH.

11:00: Twitter is on FIRE tonight with stories of all the people who are thinking about quitting the White House. Really, they're this close to walking out of there today, as opposed to in less than two weeks. That'll really show 'em! If it happens. Which it won't.

11:02: And speaking of shit that ain't never gonna happen ...

Give. Me. A. Fucking. Break.

11:06: Did you think we made that shit up about Matt Gaetz pretending the attack was an antifa false flag operation?

NOPE.

Whatever lies we could come up with, he's worse.

11:15: Looks like 121 useless traitors in the House voted to toss out Arizona's electors. We'll get you a list.

Now some smaller number of Representatives, possibly 11, is going to return to the joint session with the Senate to resume counting the electors from Arkansas through Wyoming. It's unlikely that these useless assholes are going to object to another state in light of today's disastrous events, but who the hell knows with these people.

11:17 Baruch Hashem.

11:32: Oh no.

11:38: While we're waiting for them to start, here's some gossip about Pence's Chief of Staff Marc Short, who's apparently persona non grata at the White House because he told Pence the truth about WHAT IS CONSTITUTION.

11:42: NO PENCE CARD. Pence does not throw out Arizona's electors. That sound you hear is ten thousand wingnut hearts breaking at once. Music!

Now we're going on to the rest of the states. Should be boring for a while until we get to Georgia, when those assholes might object again. I'll keep you posted.

11:50: Okay, here we go ... GEORGIA.

MOTHERFUCKER, they're objecting.

11:51 But wait! It's just Marjorie Taylor Greene and some congressman from Georgia objecting. And no senator is going to sustain the objection, so they get ....

NOTHINGGGGGGGGG.

11:52 Okay, so here's what happened. For an objection to be sustained, it has to be (1) in writing, and (2) sustained by one Representative and one Senator. So, in light of the time and events of the day, it looks like they're going to let the House wingers whinge for a minute, and then get on with it already.

SUCK IT, HAWLEY!

11:55: Trump is holed up in his Big Mac Safe Space watching Pence do his damn job, and that bastard can't even Tweet. LOL FOREVER.

Also, thanks @jack. I mean, seriously thank you. That nutbag's Twitter feed is a danger to humanity.

11:59: Such a vengeful asshole, after all they did for him.

Just waiting to see if any senator objects to Michigan, then we can relax.

12:00: Marjorie Taylor Greene has objected to the Michigan tally because the error rate "precedes the FEC" limit. SIC.

No senator sustained the objection. THE END.

12:05: You know who really chaps Tim Ryan's ass? That Nancy Boy Ben Sasse, that's who!

12:06 Mo Brooks is objecting to Nevada's electoral votes, sans a senator. Piss off, yelly man!

12:11: List of treasonweasels from the House. Know them, learn them, never forget, never forgive.

12:15: Pennsylvania, here we go. PA Gipper Scott Perry objects, objection signed by a senator.

12:16: FUCKING JOSH HAWLEY! He's going to make them go back into separate sessions for two more hours to debate some more. He's about to be the least popular man in Congress.

12:30: Okay, Wonkers. We had a confab in the Seekrit Chat Cave and decided to shut this blog down for the evening. No one needs to hear these useless fuckers drone on for another two hours, saying the same shit they said an hour ago.

Josh Hawley is about the be the least popular man in the Senate, a body which contains Ted Cruz — a formidable rival. Missouri's junior senator appears to have spared his colleagues the sound of his voice, which is fortunate because Mitt Romney is clearly about ready to tackle that little pissant and lay him out.

But over in the House, Scott Perry is objecting to Pennsylvania's voting system, the very system which returned him to Congress last week.

We all know how this is going to end. A handful of Senators will vote to sustain it, 120 or so Representatives will follow suit, it will go down in flames, and some time around 4am Biden's win will be certified. These fuckers are an embarassment to democracy, but when you wake up tomorrow morning, it will probably be all over.

Good night, and good luck.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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