You knew Tucker Carlson was going to be weird and disgusting and vile last night. No matter what idiot thing Ben Shapiro said or what viciously racist thing Tomi Lahren said that had those two trending on Twitter after the Derek Chauvin verdict was announced, Tucker would be worse. Those two are just the assclowns shooting T-shirts out of cannons to rile up the crowd before the headliners takes the stage. Tucker's show might as well have started with a cross-burning last night.

Instead, Tucker started his show by declaring to his cohort of white racist viewers that the jury's verdict in the Chauvin trial was that they were scared of what Black people would do to them if they didn't find Chauvin guilty. We guess that's the only possible reason Tucker could come up with for why they'd convict Chauvin of murder, despite how we all watched a nine-and-a-half-minute video of Chauvin murdering George Floyd.


TUCKER: The jury in the Derek Chauvin trial came to a unanimous and unequivocal verdict this afternoon: "Please don't hurt us."

The jurors spoke for many in this country, everyone understood perfectly well the consequences of an acquittal in this case. After nearly a year of burning and looting and murder by BLM, that was never in doubt.

And we were off to the racist! We mean races!

Tucker cited as evidence the fact that cities prepared for unrest in case Chauvin became the latest cop to get off scot-free for murdering a Black person. He assured viewers they would spend the hour "debating" whether Chauvin was even guilty. He baselessly suggested the media and politicians had intimidated the Chauvin jury. And he went ahead and let viewers know he was framing all of this as an "attack on civilization," that their very way of life, their very notion of America, was at stake.

TUCKER: No politician or media figure has the right to intimidate a jury. And no political party has the right to impose a different standard of justice on its own supporters. Those things are unacceptable in America. All of them are happening now.

If they continue to happen, decent, productive people will leave. The country as we knew it will be over.

So, we must stop this current insanity. It's an attack on civilization. At stake is far more than the future of Derek Chauvin, or the memory of George Floyd. At stake is America.

In some ways, it was a paint-by-numbers "Chauvin verdict" edition of the same show Tucker does every night.

Heeeeeeeere's Candace Owens!

Tucker made sure Candace Owens came on early to confirm white racists' biases for them.

Tucker asked her if we've already "given up civilization," to which Owens replied that it was "mob justice," and claimed the media had "create[d] a simulation," complaining that everybody was judging what happened based on cell phone video of a cop murdering somebody. "The media was lying," Owens said. She insisted that "Democrats are happy" because this shows that "Democrats can get whatever they want, because they can create a narrative, and then they can treat people like pawns and get them to basically say 'If we don't get what we want, we will riot, we will loot, we will send these people out like soldiers to destroy your neighborhoods.'"

Yep, that's what Candace Owens took from this.

OWENS: This was not a fair trial. No person can say this was a fair trial.

Millions upon millions of people watched the trial and can say it was a fair trial.

Owens then pivoted to serve up some whataboutism regarding the alleged "trauma [George Floyd] brought against his victims while he was alive." She tied it to Nancy Pelosi's inartful (to say the least) comments about the Chauvin verdict, saying, "Imagine, Tucker, if you were one of his victims that is alive, one of his victims that he armed robbed, that you have to hear that this man's name will always be synonymous with 'justice.'" It was ... it was Candace Owens!

Having successfully completed the section of the show psychologically geared toward making viewers think they have a Black friend therefore they cannot possibly be racist, Tucker moved on.

Heeeeeeeeere's Tucker Shitting His Pants Because A White Ex-Cop Disagreed With Him!

Tucker hosted Ed Gavin, a former New York City deputy sheriff, who committed the grievous sin of suggesting that Derek Chauvin might have done something wrong and policing might need to be reformed. Tucker shrieked, "WHO'S GONNA BECOME A COP MOVING FORWARD?" We guess he can't imagine a world where white cops aren't allowed to murder Black people on live video, or why a person would want to become a cop without that being implied in the employment agreement.

Gavin said a lot of sensible things, in the way an ex-cop would say them. He said the video of Chauvin murdering Floyd was "pure savagery," and expressed a desire for more training for cops, particularly EMT-type training.

By the end, Tucker was so pissed. Who the hell was this ex-cop saying this was an "excessive, unjustified use of force" and "the verdict was just" and "it was an open-and-shut case"?

The interview ended when Tucker cut in to say, "I'm kinda more worried about the rest of the country, which, thanks to police inaction, in case you haven't noticed, is kinda boarded up!" Then he did a really exaggerated version of that high-pitched yelp laugh he does when he feels cornered, like "YELP YELP YELP CHORTLE PREMATURE SQUIRT!" When Gavin tried to respond, Tucker suddenly turned into MAD TUCKER GRRR and said "NOPE! DONE!"

Heeeeeeere's ... Whatever The Rest Of This Shit Was.

Wanna watch Tucker do hillbilly elegies with garbage human JD Vance about the case? Of course not. But that happened. Tucker said that "nobody has [any]more faith in the system after this, on either side," and Vance said that "whatever you think of the Derek Chauvin verdict, the outcome, like you said, cast a pall over the entire justice system." You know, because of how we all prejudged the nine-and-a-half-minute murder, by watching it. We'd include the video of Tucker and Vance here, but we don't goddamn fucking feel like it.

We also don't feel like searching for video of Tucker crying about how NO PRESIDENT EVER IN HISTORY has ever commented on a court case before the jury came back, conveniently forgetting that ... oh screw it, the Washington Post's Karen Tumulty already made the joke with the link she attached to her tweet, we have nothing to add.

Glenn Beck came to visit, for some reason.

So that, more or less, was Tucker last night. (There was one other weird thing at the end of his show, which had nothing to do with the Chauvin verdict. We're not sure what it is, but let's just say it sounds like Tucker is trying to pre-emptively control the narrative on a story that's coming out about him, and we're watching for a story to drop from WaPo's Erik Wemple.)

Monday night, before the Chauvin verdict came down, Tucker rage-whined that the media was "lynching" Derek Chauvin. That was after closing arguments, after the jury left to do what juries do, deliberating and assessing the actual evidence and deciding whether prosecutors had proven their case beyond a reasonable doubt. As the jury met behind closed doors, Tucker declared to his white racist audience that "facts no longer matter," and continued to spread his disinformation about how we don't actually know how George Floyd died. Couldn't it have been aliens?

And then the jury made its decision, quite easily it turned out, and convicted the cowardly murderer Derek Chauvin on all counts, and this was Tucker's White Power Hour last night.

When your racist relatives start spewing this shit, just know, as usual, that it came from Tucker.

[Media Matters / Justin Baragona Twitter]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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