Are you missing your daily updates in the Robert Mueller investigation into how much of a treasonous traitor Donald Trump is? OMG we are too. We get that Mueller doesn't want to be a common James Comey and do things that could be viewed as "political" so close to the midterms, but JESUS COME ON.

A few days back, Reuters had a breathless report that seemed to be trying to suggest the Mueller investigation was almost wrapped up, except for how the report also stated that actually, it's not. A few stories are out today that show that of course the investigation is still going full-steam ahead, and we bet we're gonna get some sweet delicious indictments just after the midterms. You'll see!

What Is This Batshit Birther Doing In My Russia Investigation?

Jerome Corsi, you know him? He is that certifiably bugfuck insane conspiracy theorist who used to write crazy birther shit for popular journalism website "WorldNetDaily," until he got a job over at InfoWars but now he doesn't work there anymore either. He is also pretty sure Barack Obama is The Gay. Corsi was subpoenaed by Mueller some weeks back, and now NBC News is filling in some details on why that happened. It seems Mueller has information that shows that Corsi might have gotten word beforehand that WikiLeaks, a known front for Russian intelligence, was going to release emails stolen from the Hillary Clinton campaign. Did Corsi tell his pal Roger Stone that information, which could be why Stone seemed to know in August 2016 about the hacked emails from John Podesta that WikiLeaks released in October 2016?

Mueller's investigators have reviewed messages to members of the Trump team in which Stone and Corsi seem to take credit for the release of Democratic emails, said a person with direct knowledge of the emails.

Huh! And why would Corsi have come into this information before everybody else? That's for Robert Mueller to know and for you to find out!

Corsi says this is fake news, and that he only knew about the hacked emails beforehand because he is psychic like Miss Cleo:

Questioned by Mueller's prosecutors about why he appeared to know before anyone else that WikiLeaks had Clinton campaign chair John Podesta's emails, Corsi told them he simply figured it out on his own, the source said. He concluded, after seeing little about Podesta in the initial WikiLeaks dump of emails stolen from the Democratic National Committee, that the anti-secrecy organization was holding Podesta's communications for an "October surprise," the source said.

That makes literally no fucking sense, but then again, nothing Corsi says makes any sense.

Corsi also says he's never met WikiLeaks before, but Mueller reportedly has emails that suggest Corsi was totally DTF to fly to England to meet with Julian Assange, so maybe they are super tight.

So who's lying? Jerome Corsi and Roger Stone, if we had to take a wild guess.

Speaking Of Roger Stone And Julian Assange!

Why was Roger Stone working to get a full blanket pardon of Julian Assange? We don't know, but maybe it has something to do with how Julian Assange was used by the Russians to disseminate all the emails Russia stole. SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. Anyway, Roger Stone actually admits he did this, and that he encouraged Fox News idiot Judge Andrew Napolitano to try to convince Donald Trump through the television to pardon Assange.

Mother Jones reports on texts between Stone and Randy Credico, that weirdo radio host Stone says was his go-between with Julian Assange on the hacked emails. Credico says that is bullshit. Stone says, "PREPARE TO DIE, COCKSUCKER!" in response, but he swears he was only expressing his condolences over the fact that Credico had prostate cancer. Credico says he never had prostate cancer.

As for his attempts to secure a pardon for Assange, here is why that is important:

"If Stone worked with WikiLeaks on the release DNC emails, an effort by Stone to try to help Assange secure a pardon could be considered evidence of a conspiracy to obstruct justice," says Paul Rosenzweig, a former senior counsel to Kenneth Starr on the Whitewater investigation.

Yes, it would seem to be!

Mueller seems to be getting closer to finding the real answer to the question of how close Stone and Assange really are. Did they really dine together as Stone once claimed? Are they BFFs, or did they talk through Randy Credico or Jerome Corsi, or all of the above? And was Stone at the center of the conspiracy to release the emails Russia stole? IS ROGER STONE THE COLLUSION?

Again, this is all for Robert Mueller to know and for you to find out, and please continue to assume that everyone is lying.

Finally, Take A Look At This Weird Shit In Politico!

There is some weird shit in Politico! Apparently Robert Mueller has a SECRET GRAND JURY WITNESS, and they are having a big argument about SECRET PERSON'S testimony. From what we can tell, SECRET PERSON is trying to tell Mueller's subpoenas to fuck off, or maybe they're trying to challenge the existence of the Mueller investigation itself, just like Roger Stone aide Andrew Miller did, but the courts are saying that actually SECRET PERSON needs to testify. Who is it? Let's ask Politico for clues!

"It could be anyone who's been subpoenaed by the special counsel for anything," [an attorney representing a "senior Trump official" in the probe] added.

Well, we feel enlightened now! Go read the whole thing and become just as enlightened as Wonkette!

In conclusion, let's all go vote on November 6 and take our country back, and then maybe Mueller can put everybody in jail on November 7. Does that work for everybody? Because it works for us!

[NBC News / Mother Jones / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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