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Are you missing your daily updates in the Robert Mueller investigation into how much of a treasonous traitor Donald Trump is? OMG we are too. We get that Mueller doesn't want to be a common James Comey and do things that could be viewed as "political" so close to the midterms, but JESUS COME ON.

A few days back, Reuters had a breathless report that seemed to be trying to suggest the Mueller investigation was almost wrapped up, except for how the report also stated that actually, it's not. A few stories are out today that show that of course the investigation is still going full-steam ahead, and we bet we're gonna get some sweet delicious indictments just after the midterms. You'll see!


What Is This Batshit Birther Doing In My Russia Investigation?

Jerome Corsi, you know him? He is that certifiably bugfuck insane conspiracy theorist who used to write crazy birther shit for popular journalism website "WorldNetDaily," until he got a job over at InfoWars but now he doesn't work there anymore either. He is also pretty sure Barack Obama is The Gay. Corsi was subpoenaed by Mueller some weeks back, and now NBC News is filling in some details on why that happened. It seems Mueller has information that shows that Corsi might have gotten word beforehand that WikiLeaks, a known front for Russian intelligence, was going to release emails stolen from the Hillary Clinton campaign. Did Corsi tell his pal Roger Stone that information, which could be why Stone seemed to know in August 2016 about the hacked emails from John Podesta that WikiLeaks released in October 2016?

Mueller's investigators have reviewed messages to members of the Trump team in which Stone and Corsi seem to take credit for the release of Democratic emails, said a person with direct knowledge of the emails.

Huh! And why would Corsi have come into this information before everybody else? That's for Robert Mueller to know and for you to find out!

Corsi says this is fake news, and that he only knew about the hacked emails beforehand because he is psychic like Miss Cleo:

Questioned by Mueller's prosecutors about why he appeared to know before anyone else that WikiLeaks had Clinton campaign chair John Podesta's emails, Corsi told them he simply figured it out on his own, the source said. He concluded, after seeing little about Podesta in the initial WikiLeaks dump of emails stolen from the Democratic National Committee, that the anti-secrecy organization was holding Podesta's communications for an "October surprise," the source said.

That makes literally no fucking sense, but then again, nothing Corsi says makes any sense.

Corsi also says he's never met WikiLeaks before, but Mueller reportedly has emails that suggest Corsi was totally DTF to fly to England to meet with Julian Assange, so maybe they are super tight.

So who's lying? Jerome Corsi and Roger Stone, if we had to take a wild guess.

Speaking Of Roger Stone And Julian Assange!

Why was Roger Stone working to get a full blanket pardon of Julian Assange? We don't know, but maybe it has something to do with how Julian Assange was used by the Russians to disseminate all the emails Russia stole. SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. Anyway, Roger Stone actually admits he did this, and that he encouraged Fox News idiot Judge Andrew Napolitano to try to convince Donald Trump through the television to pardon Assange.

Mother Jones reports on texts between Stone and Randy Credico, that weirdo radio host Stone says was his go-between with Julian Assange on the hacked emails. Credico says that is bullshit. Stone says, "PREPARE TO DIE, COCKSUCKER!" in response, but he swears he was only expressing his condolences over the fact that Credico had prostate cancer. Credico says he never had prostate cancer.

As for his attempts to secure a pardon for Assange, here is why that is important:

"If Stone worked with WikiLeaks on the release DNC emails, an effort by Stone to try to help Assange secure a pardon could be considered evidence of a conspiracy to obstruct justice," says Paul Rosenzweig, a former senior counsel to Kenneth Starr on the Whitewater investigation.

Yes, it would seem to be!

Mueller seems to be getting closer to finding the real answer to the question of how close Stone and Assange really are. Did they really dine together as Stone once claimed? Are they BFFs, or did they talk through Randy Credico or Jerome Corsi, or all of the above? And was Stone at the center of the conspiracy to release the emails Russia stole? IS ROGER STONE THE COLLUSION?

Again, this is all for Robert Mueller to know and for you to find out, and please continue to assume that everyone is lying.

Finally, Take A Look At This Weird Shit In Politico!

There is some weird shit in Politico! Apparently Robert Mueller has a SECRET GRAND JURY WITNESS, and they are having a big argument about SECRET PERSON'S testimony. From what we can tell, SECRET PERSON is trying to tell Mueller's subpoenas to fuck off, or maybe they're trying to challenge the existence of the Mueller investigation itself, just like Roger Stone aide Andrew Miller did, but the courts are saying that actually SECRET PERSON needs to testify. Who is it? Let's ask Politico for clues!

"It could be anyone who's been subpoenaed by the special counsel for anything," [an attorney representing a "senior Trump official" in the probe] added.

Well, we feel enlightened now! Go read the whole thing and become just as enlightened as Wonkette!

In conclusion, let's all go vote on November 6 and take our country back, and then maybe Mueller can put everybody in jail on November 7. Does that work for everybody? Because it works for us!

[NBC News / Mother Jones / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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