Donate

Important updates on The Stupidest Thing That Ever Happened (This Week), i.e. the hilarious conspiracy to take down special counsel Robert Mueller! Surprise, Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl, the pro-Trump power rangers who seem to have hatched the super smart plot to pay women to make false harassment and rape allegations against Mueller, are still stepping on their dicks at every turn.

Jim Hoft -- AKA The Gateway Pundit AKA The Stupidest Man On The Internet AKA owner of the "news" site where somehow Jacob Wohl "is a writer" since young Wohl got banned from hedge funding -- originally published EXCLUSIVE DOCUMENTS detailing a rape Mueller allegedly committed in New York City on a day he was in Washington DC. But Hoft took the documents down Tuesday after #ThePlan started to go hilariously wrong, due to how journalists started talking publicly about how paste-chomping morons had tried to bait them into running with an obviously fake story about Robert Mueller being a big sexual harasser/rape man.

Upon further investigation, it turned out that "SureFire," the "intelligence company" that had contacted women on behalf of Jack Burkman to try to convince them to make false accusations against Mueller in exchange for money, is a wholly owned subsidiary of JACOB WOHL'S MOM, or at least it was borrowing her flip phone to conduct its very important business. (Wonkette is investigating the possibility that "SureFire" is also a dollar store version of a Fleshlight, which makes sense because we're pretty sure Jacob Wohl lives with his mom and therefore might not be able to afford name brand Fleshlights. We will let you know what we find out!)


The show must go on! Burkman is going to do a "press conference" on Thursday with a "Robert Mueller accuser" that he "didn't pay money to." And Gateway Pundit is going to do the journalism required to get to the real truth!

Gateway Pundit also published a new article around the same time, advancing a new theory of the case, published by the GP writer with the flowers in her hair, who may or may not exist:

Oh, so now it's Mueller's fault. Because Robert Mueller has time, while he investigates a multi-national conspiracy to steal an election, to try to frame Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl and accuse them of creating a conspiracy to frame him. The fallacy of this argument, of course, would be that it assumes that Mueller knew who Burkman and Wohl were before all this. He knows now, though!

So that happened.

But wait, there's more! If you'll remember, the reason nobody heard about this obviously genius scheme before yesterday is that all real journalists had LOLed at the story as obvious bullshit. They also had problems verifying the information in a letter they received accusing Mueller not of rape, but of sexual harassment, when the alleged accuser, identified as "Lorraine Parsons," worked with Mueller. Indeed, they had trouble verifying she even existed. Finding the story lacking, all the real journalists determined it was a big stupid hoax.

See if you can follow the bouncing idiot here, because according to Jack Burkman, DUH Lorraine Parsons does not exist, which means the Deep State Mainstream Media clearly invented her in order to frame him, in order to distract from the REAL story, which was the other "accuser" coming forward with rape allegations at the Thursday press conference, which you know just everybody had been talking about before Robert Mueller decided to frame Jack Burkman and make it look like Jack Burkman was framing Robert Mueller:


Um ... OK. On behalf of the FBI, we thank Jack Burkman for accidentally confessing and making law enforcement's job that much easier!

To be clear, Robert Mueller found out about this because yet another woman, Jennifer Taub -- who is verifiably real, as we've seen her on the TV! -- was sent a letter by an obviously fake operative from "SureFire Intelligence," offering her money in exchange for stories about being harassed by Robert Mueller, which is weird because she has never met Robert Mueller. Taub forwarded the letter to the special counsel's office, and only later reached out to Natasha Bertrand at The Atlantic when this very stupid story started to gain traction.

Remember, Jack Burkman has been publicly offering financial rewards for a while now to people with damaging information on Mueller and the wider Russia investigation. Also remember that when an investigative journalist named Scott Stedman talked to the Burkman intermediary that the letter from "Parsons" alleged had contacted her, that dude actually admitted he was paying women to lie about Mueller:

DERP.

So as best as we can tell, the plot here, such as there is a "plot," is that Jack Burkman and/or Jacob Wohl made up the first accuser and seeded her fake letter to journalists first, hoping against hope that one of those journalists would run with it. That way, they would be TOTALLY DISCREDITED and made to look like idiots when it turned out she was not real, but Jack Burkman would look like a hero when he came out with the REAL accuser, who is definitely real. (At least we think that's what he was going for, somehow? We don't know, there is some serious Underpants Gnoming going on here.)

As journalists are professionals who actually do investigate the stories they report, for real, you fucking morons who think they just typed down whatever Brett Kavanaugh's accusers said and presented it as facts, OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID, exactly zero of them took the bait.

Whatever the original plan was, it all went hilariously badly and now these morons are furiously trying to prove this was their plan the whole time.

And so that is where we are now, we guess!

Jack Burkman and Jacob Wohl are saying the press conference will go on, because we guess the only way out of this situation is through it. Jim Hoft is apparently going to the event, and Wohl tweeted that he's on his way to DC, so that was nice of his mom to buy him a plane ticket.

And we are sitting here, six days from the most consequential election of our entire lives, and we are just glad we have something to LOL at.

Oh yes you do.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Wonkette is the ONLY NEWS ON THE INTERNET. Please give us money RIGHT THERE BELOW if you want us to live FOREVER.

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

$
Donate with CC

Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc